Oracle
444 oracle items tagged as team oracle
March 7, 2014 / submitted by Anthony, United States of America
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #158
Lately I've been very unproductive. For the past few months I have slowly been sabotaging myself by constantly putting off important things in my life. These things include finding friends, getting a job, finding a place of my own, and most importantly, starting my career.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm doing this out of extreme fear of the future. In my core I am extremely afraid of being successful, and more importantly, afraid of failure. All I can see crushing failure awaiting me and implications that would have on my life (i.e. I would be a failure to my family and myself, I would have wasted years of my life and be significantly behind everyone else).
I don't want to be the guy working at McDonald's in his thirties. However, the more I put my problem off the worse my situation becomes, resulting in a bit of a "self-fulfilling prophecy" if you will. Even though I know my problem and I know logically I'm making things worse for myself, I cannot find the courage to move on.
What should I do?
Thanks.

Fear of fear itself can be very detrimental. Ironically you feel like failure would mean a waste of your time yet the time you are wasting procrastinating doesn't seem enough to propel your motivation forward. If you flip every negative on its head you may see how not trying is getting you less than if you were to try and fail.
I'd argue that the no-case scenario is the worst-case scenario! It may feel obvious on Coldplay's website to quote a Coldplay song but here goes: "if you never try, you'll never know".
You may feel like you've got everything to lose but again, I argue you have nothing to lose. So what if you fail? Pick yourself up and try again or try something else. Don't give up. It may take several attempts to get something right.
Let's take writing a screenplay for example. Do you think it's perfect in its first draft? No. It takes time to get things right. Part of learning, improving and succeeding is failing.
There are people who expect things to go wrong. They get into bad habits and - I'm sorry to say - it's a convenient excuse to blame everything on when it goes wrong. "I told you it would happen". "Everything always goes wrong for me".
I find the poor me syndrome very boring!
I know many people who are guilty of self-fulfilling prophecies but at least you're not blinkered - you know you are doing it. So... STOP DOING IT.
You can change your behaviour. It's one thing we really do have control over. It might not be easy ("nobody said it was easy" - sorry!) to step out of your comfort zone but use the logic you know you possess.
One last thing, there is nothing wrong with working in a (insert name of any) fast food restaurant if that's what you aspire to do. If it isn't, do something about it. Now is as good a time as any.
Over to you.

Something that I found helped me in a similar situation, was learning that the internal dialogue to describe my life, had actually been creating my life. I.E. I was unhappy, and not getting anything done. I would go around telling people just that. The more people I told, the worse it got. I was telling people how broke I was, how my career wasn't really doing anything. And things just didn't seem to get better. One day I woke up and I could hear myself using all this negative language. I decided that enough was enough. I started to change the way I thought about things. Rather than saying to myself, "I should have done this or that" I would say to myself, "I am doing this or that". When people asked what I was up to, I started saying that things were looking up, and that I was doing ok. And strangely [ or not ] things started to change.
As my internal dialogue changed, so my exterior world changed. I stopped being hard on myself. I stopped minding what other thought of me. You have one chance of life. And as we all know, it's over in a moment. Create your opportunities by creating your own universe. Let go of what you think you want, and where you believe you want to go, and see if life has something else to offer you.
There are no wrong turns, just different outcomes. Brio.


I read your question, and I see you want success, but not too much and you don't want to fail. First I have to confront you with this: there will always be things that go wrong. But you should see what you did wrong, so you can learn from it and go on.
For a job, first think: what are my qualities (I hope I used the right translation), what are things I can do without trouble. As soon as you know those things, think what jobs there are in which you need those things. When you know that, see if you like it. That's also important: like your work. If you do your work with pleasure, it will be easier and more comfortable for you to work. You should also try to get some friends , in and out of your work. These things can help you a lot.
Goodluck, Isabelle.

Well done to you for taking the first step towards a more positive future by talking about your situation & asking for a little bit of advise. It seems that you have isolated yourself a bit, you're from the USA so I'm not sure if you're having crazy weather like here in the UK but lack of sunlight & miserable grey days can have a negative affect on our moods. My suggestion to you is exercise, fresh air & music. Download some great uplifting tunes to your iPod or phone, do you have a dog or maybe your neighbour does take it for a walk. This might sound a bit odd but getting out in the fresh air for a bit if exercise really helps to lift your mood & if you have a dog with you it gives you a bit of company & people talk to you if your walking the dog so this might help build your confidence around other people again. If your going for a walk on your own take your iPod. The combination of fresh air & uplifting music will really start to help you be in a more positive mood & in time will spur you on to taking steps towards your brighter future.
Kindest regards, Jo.


If there's one thing you can be taught from the experience of the future, let's say, buying your own house and beginning your career, it's that the only thing that will greatly increase your chances of failure is refusing to take a leap of faith and work towards your goals because of fear. Fear is only an illusion when it's against reason, and working very hard to strive for excellence has a much, much higher rate for success. It's understandable to feel like you could need a push or some form of support because growing up is not easy - that's the plain truth. Believe in yourself; work incessantly, celebrate your achievements, and above all, do not give in to rejection. It's all a part of life, but success is as well. You can do it.
Yours, Everly.

I know how you feel, there's always something missing, hard to find smiles everyday. There are things that have happened in the past that some times come crawling back into our memories and leave gloomy shades, but stay strong and keep reminding yourself about how amazing life is, ur's and everybody elses. Find something good, like a passion and get so lost in it that your everyday life becomes beautiful as ever. I think that ultimate satisfaction is the key to happiness, that point in life when u have no desires, just having to have lived and witness sooo much happiness is the greatest achievement. Take a walk, u might see a couple kissing, children playing, people working to provide for family and friends etc. And just tell urself that there is sooo much love in the world and it is everywhere. And a little smile on ur face once in a while, will make the world a little bit prettier every time.
Jai.


I do feel for you because I have struggled with this sort of thing myself.
I have however found myself in a job where I am surrounded by people that some might consider successful, but the more time I spend around them, the more I realise just how normal and imperfect they are. And because of this I realise how important it is not to compare yourself to the persona people show. Sometimes people do well, and this can be down to hard work, but in some cases, it is more luck and the right circumstances. All you can do as an individual is your personal best.
As I am getting older, I am learning how to make progress. First of all, prioritising things in order of importance and practicality helps. And then setting time aside to concentrate on one thing alone, forgetting everything else for the time being (although I do appreciate this can be hard), and seeing the particular thing through to the end. This may be in hourly or half day blocks (for example), but once you do achieve something, even just one thing, you feel good about it.
And it is never too late to start. I am in my late 30s and am surprised to see many of my peers only now becoming qualified in certain jobs. I too am just starting out on a course.. I just need to get my mind on to it!!
Best wishes, D.

I'm Maria from Colombia. I know you're not the only person in the world that are feeling like this in this moment, so I have to tell you something. I remember a talk that inspired me so much. I remember this phrase: "To be successful, you have to take risks, but moderately". If you don't take risks, you will be the McDonald's guy forever! Your life will be boring, you won't do what you want. You gotta be strong, I know you want to be a great person. If you find the opportunity to make your dreams come true, go for it, before someone else take it. Well, that is my opinion, I wish you luck in your lifetime, and remember, don't be afraid and fight for your dreams!

It all starts with self confidence and self value. You have to value yourself first. You have unique talents that nobody else has. I also have to find my own place, get a job, and start my career as well. Don't worry about the future just yet, that'll work itself out. Focus on what you can change in the present. As for finding friends, go out and be social. Get out of your shell and talk to people. I'm certain that they won't bite. Fabian.

You can't move on because you don't know where to go, you need a goal. Your beloved ones seem to be fit with high expectations and stereotypes, neither with orientation for yourself. It's not important to be a big boss at 30, it's important to be able to find a piece of happiness every day. You can't be happy with working against your nature all the time for general norms and standards. Find out what makes you happy, something you would pay for with a lots of your energy, but also something that gives energy back to you. Don't worry where you are in a few years, walk in steps: Did you read the advertisements today, will you have a job interview next week, are you planning to move out, will you meet some friends tonight, is there something to look forward this week?
You are the director of your day and you write the book of your life, around you are staff and actors, they are essential, but you will decide the cast and the star roles. Have a beautiful day! L.Q.


I may not know much about life, I don't think any of us do. We will die not knowing what living life to the fullest is like. You shouldn't worry though, we all struggle from time to time. It is a norm we have to go through. There is time to rest, to work, to read, to play, to enjoy, to cry, to laugh, to scream, to sleep, to eat, to think, to listen, to talk, to hate, to love. It will always be time to live. That time is now. I suggest you follow whatever it is you want to do. There is more time than life, so don't hurry, but decide. It's alright that you are struggling with what choice to make, but don't stress out, that'll only make it make it bad. You are not a failure, so don't listen to what others may say. Be yourself, and don't forget to love yourself for doing the things you do and don't. I suggest you to take things step by step, things won't change from one day to the other. And always do things with a kind heart, a smile, and a positive mind. Don't do anything because you have to, but because you want to. As for courage, do it for yourself. Change to who you want to be, and enjoy it as much as you can. It may be a frightening journey, yet it'll all be worth it in the end. Hope to giving you hope, Sincerely Erika.

Love is the answer!
If you want to get back to your life, you first need to love yourself. You should! Cos we all are amazing and wonderful, but if you don't show love to yourself how could you possible love anyone else. If you feel sad, be sad for one day. Try to dance with your sadness and certainly you will find yourself dancing with a smile. Your dance will slowly and gently change your sadness into joy and happiness. That's life is all about. Love and joy! Whatever doesn't kill you it makes you grow! Do it with love! Marija.


I don't mean to sound harsh but, no one can look into the future, so there's no telling whether you're going to be successful or not. Life's not a race, don't compare yourself to everyone around you. Think about where you see yourself in ten or five years and just start taking small steps towards those goals. You can do it! I understand you're afraid, but to quote a song from a band you might be familiar with; 'if you never try you'll never know, Just what you're worth'. Good luck! Amanda.

Rest assured most everyone embarking on their "adult" life feels this sort of crushing weight. Or at least they should. A lot of people ignore it and go on the have the arrested development that you desire to avoid.
It seems hard to find your place in the world, especially because fate just doesn't hand out freebies all day long. Success isn't a lottery, though sometimes it may seem so.
I think the most important thing you can do is work your day job and envision a positive future while studying topics that interest you in your free time. Friends will come from shared interests and activities. Keep a journal of your ideas, thoughts and inspirations. Keep your mind and hands active. Avoid mind numbing time wasters such as video games. Nothing wrong with them unless you devote your life to that instead of creating something of substance.
Keep your job and save your dollars until you get the chance to move on up the ladder in a better position. Then you can get your own place. Don't forget to breathe. The responsibility is weighty but will make you and your parents proud. And relax... everyone eff's up every now and again. Keep it positive and know that success takes time. Slow and steady wins the race. Things done in haste really do make waste as when they go, they fall apart fast. Wishing you a bright future, Branwen.


Only inertia is failure. Movement in any direction, is a simple, deliberate attempt to enter the fray. Start by getting up, getting out, walking around. Look at things, like your building, your neighborhood, a park. You'll see people, animals, cars, planes. You'll hear voices, horns, music. These things are all blessings -- gifts to you, and evidence of life in motion. Getting out there is half the battle. The other half? Engagement. Go shopping - you don't have to buy anything, just walk through the doors and absorb the grace of the clerks who ask if they may help you. Volunteer to serve dinner at a community kitchen, or be an usher at the local theater, or walk the dogs at the animal shelter. Take your heart out and give it to something that is interesting, needful and worthy. This is where you stop dreaming about what you might be and start being who you really are. Will you get rich? Maybe. Will you become famous? Who knows. Will you replace fear of failure with a focus on pouring yourself into something that really needs to be done by somebody with the simple interest in doing it? Yes. And that, Anthony, is the absolute heart of success. Steve.

I recently got a fortune cookie fortune that read "It's what you don't do that will torment you." This was the suckiest most depressing fortune I ever saw, and I couldn't help but fall for it's cleverness. I think we all feel this way at some point in our lives. Growing up is terrifying, and fear can be debilitating. Interviewing and making friends, more specifically meeting new people, used to terrify me to the point of ridiculous procrastination and self-seclusion. I have realized that it's not the actual interview or physical meeting of a person that makes me choke, it's the anticipation and the anxiety before hand and right up to the first handshake. Once I really get to those moments though, it is never as bad or scary as I imagined. Take small steps towards things that you want to accomplish. Sending an application, making one phone call, introducing yourself to someone are small things, but are also huge leaps out of limbo. Find people doing what you want to do whether it be career or pastime, and ask to meet them briefly for coffee. Ask them what steps they took to get where they are, and ask for advice or bits of wisdom. Many people will gladly do this, and it can help to figure out what steps you want to take. Whatever steps you do take, don't lose your introspection about life. Don't view getting a job or starting a career as an end - it fosters unnecessary pressure. These processes are simply means to get to other places in life. And it sounds smarmy, but enjoy the uncertainty. Having heavy thoughts and trepidation about the future is a very unique and strange human ability. All the best, Allie.

I can say to you that the age that you have doesn't matter if you want to have success, you need to act now! How?
I don't know your situations in your own point of view but the principal things that you need to do/know is:
1. Lost the fear to lose.
If you live with fear, you're not living, dare you to live the life! And enjoy that!
2. The money isn't the thing most important in the world.
I know, the money it's important, but the money doesn't matter when you realize that you have wonderful people with you.
Surround yourself with good and optimistic people! Smile!
3. What you want be.
You need to know what you want to be, and do little steps to reach your goal.
Job in McDonalds isn't bad, in all works you have the growth opportunity, strive on all the things that you do, give to all the best part of you, success is a habit and you need to make it yours. 4. Wish (and make) things happen.
You ever heard about the law of the attraction? It's true!! So always think positive and positive things will come to you.
5. Make your own plan.
Plan your goals and find the way to reach them.
6. Be generous.
You receive what you do.
7. Be constant.
You need constant to create in your mind the habit.
Smile, be happy it's free!! Ali.

My name is Graeme and I work in a cinema. I am 33. I am trying to get a different job and that's cool, money is always good to have. But it doesn't rule me. What you do professionally doesn't make a bit of difference when it comes to personal well being. I've been rich I've been poor but my mind never changed and probably never will. Accept this and life will be much easier for you. Take care of the few who will really love you and the rest will come in time. But remember always try to be true to yourself because it's your life. You won't get another go around. I'd rather have a job at McDonalds than look back and say I wasted my life for things that never came to pass. Who knows you might meet your future wife at McDonalds or at least make some friends. Look down every alleyway before judgement and enjoy the fruits of your labour when it comes to you.
Graeme.


Fear can be a force that is as crippling as an illness. It can consume you and your efforts, leave you breathless and spit you out as a former image of who you used to be. However, fear takes its power from you. You are the master of your own universe. Being afraid is a natural human condition, but we must learn to work through it or work with it. Let it be your driving factor until you no longer need it. If you fear failure, then work towards the goals that will drive you away from it. Of course you must still understand that failure is also a part of life. And you must realize that failure doesn't mean you should give up. If you fail and fail again, then that's alright. The important thing is to fail better. You must learn from your mistakes and take control from your life. You must live it until you are no longer afraid. Katalina.

First off, before you do anything else, get a pair of headphones and put on Everything's Not Lost. As cheesy as it may sound, it's nearly impossible to not be rejuvenated with positivity after a good listen. I have experienced very similar paralyzing feelings. I had no job, I kept dropping classes from my school schedule prolonging my graduation date, and I isolated myself from family and friends. I tried forcing myself into being more productive but that didn't work. It has to happen naturally. You need to want it. You need to find something that will motivate you and everything else will fall into place. For me it was music. I started writing and recording demos. Since then I have felt more productive and that only led to a better outlook and more good things to come. I will be graduating in May, I got an internship, and have been more social. It really is that simple. Instead of trying to force yourself into caring about work and friends etc, just find something else that you do care about and the drive from that will be enough to change everything for the better. FIND WHAT MOTIVATES YOU. Even if you don't know it yet, there is something or someone out there that you need to go after. Successful or failure, it will give you new life and make you healthier in so many ways. (Plus, Ghost Stories will be released real soon!)
Good Luck, Ethan from New York.


I used to find myself in situations like this. I think you should look back on your journey and be proud of what you have learned and accomplished. Then move forward with confidence and accept what comes to you. Support often comes from the most unlikely places, but you must also see that those close to you have always wanted the best for you. They are the most honest and hard on you because they see the possibilities.
I hope this helps, Troy.

My answer is Never Give Up, it doesn't matter if you want to be a musician, an engineer, or a doctor, nobody said it would be easy, I know sometimes you feel like your like is the worst, but believe me, complaining and not doing anything won't help, you have to keep trying, I know it doesn't look easy and the odds are not in your favor, but there is always a chance, there is always hope, you know there is a quote from my favorite movie rocky and is something like "It is not about how hard you can hit, it is about how hard you can take from the life punching you and standing up again, that's how winning is done", so never give up and always keep trying. Eduardo.

First of all, there is no right or wrong schedule for your life. You're not late, and you'll never be early.
Let's start with something you love and go from there and let it lead you. What ARE you excited about these days? A good meal? Playing video games? Travel? A book? Music? Whatever it is, start from there and use it as a mechanism to connect you to others that share the same interest and you'll already have something in common!
Maybe this thing you love or are passionate about could be your career? If you truly love it then your excitement won't allow you to put it off and you can never fail! Todd.

I know exactly how you feel. I was in the exact situation you're in. Fear of the future and fear of failure are natural, but they can be paralyzing. The longer you stay paralyzed, the worse the fear becomes - it's a vicious cycle.
Think about what got you motivated to achieve your greatest accomplishments in your life so far.
It's time to take charge of your life. Here's what you need to do: First, you need to go to bed early tonight. Set your alarms so you will get a full night's rest but you won't sleep the day away. Look online and find 3 jobs you're interested in, and apply for them. Print your resume and deliver it in person if possible, and finish 3 job applications. You have nothing to lose. Don't go on Facebook or any other social media sites for a whole day. Prove to yourself that you can do it.
Then, take a break, get some exercise. eat a healthy meal.
Apply to two more jobs before the end of the day. Do something fun to reward yourself.
Break down your goal into subgoals and take purposeful steps toward them. But in the meantime you'll probably still need a decent job to pay the bills.


Grab life by the balls, Anthony. And don't worry, even if you fall off track sometimes, you won't be working at McDonald's when you're in your thirties. You've got more in you than you think! Nathaniel.


It's incredibly heartening to know someone who's almost exactly in my situation is out there. I've put myself through several setbacks in my life. A drug addiction being the prime example of this, as well as not putting my all into education, even though I do take it seriously conceptually, I can't translate that into tangible action. I'm 26 and still living at home and with no money, looking for work. This burns me up because I know I'm better than this. The best solution I've come across is to put myself into situations that inherently bother me. Whether it's going to recovery meetings, or riding a bike for hours. A hobby is what I, and I believe you as well, need. It allows networking to happen which could lead to new friends, job openings and who knows what else. As you can see, I'm not near where I should be in the journey of life, but I hope these ideas result in where your days aren't filled with worry and regret. Greg.

You can't move on towards the future because you keep thinking about it. You're so afraid, that you can't actually do those important things you mentioned. But I do believe that by doing absolutely nothing you will definitely take yourself to that undesirable failure. Initiative, that's what you need. Obviously it doesn't mean you'll be successful, but at least you will try to. "If you never try, you'll never know". As soon as you understand this and get the motivation to move on, you can try to be successful. For that I recommend a few steps:
1. Discover your interests, so that you can find an activity that makes you happy.
2. Make everything you can to be good at that activity, in order to find a road to success. This includes step
3. Which is finding someone who can help you in this task, and with that you may also make friends with common interests.
4. Find motivation. When you're feeling down, remember that, with hard work, nothing is impossible. But to succeed, you have to believe in yourself. Also, you can find motivation in your family, for example. Want to make them proud? Do something for it.
These are simple steps that can help you define a plan. It may not work out, but at least you have tried. And you can also try different activities, until you find the one that fulfills you. Hope I helped. Good luck! Love, Ana, from Portugal.


Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



March 7, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 13th March.

My brother and I have had a history of fighting/arguing. Sadly there were periods of time in which we stopped talking to each other. As we grew up and became adults (we are both on our 30's) we became more tolerant and understanding. My brother has a really difficult personality. He can be the meanest of all and then all of the the sudden he can be the sweetest.
I'm trying to understanding him, as he has had a rough life full of frustrations and stuff. We've forgiven each other and I've been focusing on his positives and leaving the past in the past.

My brother just called me to tell me that he was going to move to my city and that he was planning to live one week every 3 weeks at my place. He is planing to work nearby he doesn't want to find a place to live in Edm. Instead, he's planning to come and live with me. He didn't consult me. He just said he would come and that I could help him.
Now, this worries me because of our personalities and our past fighting. I'm scared that in one of "swing" moods he says the typical harmful things he says about me or about my mom. (he and my mom has never got along). Sometimes he calls me and vents all his frustrations with me. I just listen to him. He just wants to get listened to. But I get so sad and my energy so low... he brings up things from the past and I just listen him. So I'm very scared. He knows I might say yes. I always listen to him and try to be supportive but I feel he is taking advantage of that and that he knows I won't say no. But I want to say no.

I know him and I know this is going to be terrible. I'm feeling selfish at the same time. But after a long time, I finally got my own place to live. To live in peace. To try to figure out my own things. Honestly, I don't know what to do. Can you kindly give your opinion? I need an unbiased opinion on this one. I know, I know, he is going to end up staying longer... I simply know that. It really gets me how lay back he is...he was just telling me, "Oh I can stay at your place, then at my sister's, or I can fly to where my parents live." I was like, dude, you should get your own place. But... I'm very upset. Please Oracle. If you could give me your opinion, that would be much appreciate it. Thanks very much Anon, Canada.


Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com
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March 4, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we postponed Team Oracle while the Midnight video took centre stage. The closing date was extended so there is still time to reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 6th March.

Lately I've been very unproductive. For the past few months I have slowly been sabotaging myself by constantly putting off important things in my life. These things include finding friends, getting a job, finding a place of my own, and most importantly, starting my career.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm doing this out of extreme fear of the future. In my core I am extremely afraid of being successful, and more importantly, afraid of failure. All I can see crushing failure awaiting me and implications that would have on my life (i.e. I would be a failure to my family and myself, I would have wasted years of my life and be significantly behind everyone else).
I don't want to be the guy working at McDonald's in his thirties. However, the more I put my problem off the worse my situation becomes, resulting in a bit of a "self-fulfilling prophecy" if you will. Even though I know my problem and I know logically I'm making things worse for myself, I cannot find the courage to move on.
What should I do?
Thanks. Yours truly, Anthony, USA.


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February 21, 2014 / submitted by Stephanie, Mexico
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #157
I'm looking for your advice because I really want to know if there are others out there who feel the way I feel. The thing is I need to know where I can find the strength to let go? When things don't work out the way it should, it's time to face the truth that you have to step back and leave it for good. I am aware that letting go is the right thing to do because "I will find something better waiting in my future" or " I will find what is meant to be". I know, BUT I don't feel that way. I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I don't even want to get up out of bed, but I'm not sad because I am realistic and I know I won't die for taking my choice but I still feel this way, I feel hollow. Life is really beautiful and I want to feel it again.

You say you don't feel that way, Stephanie but you are thinking that way and that is a very good start. So many of us don't let go because we cling to hope or if onlys. It sounds like you're being very rational. Obviously the old adage that it's easier said than done is true but you are on the right track.
Sometimes you have to give yourself time. Just because your brain knows you need to let go, the rest of you may not be ready. You need to give your heart, body or whatever time to rest, recover and heal before being ready for the next chapter.
If you imagine the "thing" - whatever it is - is on a conveyor belt. As it comes along, pick it up, spend a short time with it then place it back on the conveyor belt and let it pass you by.
Don't wallow or allow the time in limbo to linger too long. Give yourself a designated time every day to think about how it didn't work out if you need to but limit it. Balance that out with working out what went wrong, why and how you could possibly learn and grow from it for moving forward in the future.
I truly believe you can retrain your brain to cope and deal with setbacks. It may take years but there may be a time when you can let go far more easily. Until such a time, fill your life with friends, fun and doing things that you love. Spend the time positively and I'm sure you'll appreciate all that life has to offer.
Over to you.

Letting things go is sometimes harder then fight to get what you want. You said you are realistic. Think realistic about what you want. If it is something you need in the future, or if there are no other options, you must fight for it. When you have conquered your problems, you'll probably feel much and much better. I can tell that by my own experiences.
Goodluck, Isabelle.


I know exactly what you feel more than you can realize. What I do is think about my reasons for needing to let it go and find strength in my reasons. Listening to music, going for a drive and getting ice cream, even smiling helps me too. When my emptiness begins to happen I have to tell myself that I will not let it bother me because I am in the right and am doing what I need to do to be better. Hope this helps! Ashlyn.

I can understand your situation. Everybody feels the way you do, for example me, in the event that things don't work out, I don't want to do anything. Just sitting for hours or staying in bed and sleeping... The first thing to be done is really easy : Don't be alone and sad, listen your favourite song, watch your favourite movie, talk to your best friends or write something! Writing is the best skill of expressing yourself. Gain your self-confidence. Try to do something, something you enjoy to do. You're right, life is really beautiful. And it goes on, every second, every minute. You have got dreams, haven't you? Follow your dreams. Don't forget them. Good luck. Oylum.

You go through the motions. That's how you let go. You go through the motions of day to day life, focusing your thoughts on productive things, on progression in life and not on the thing that you find so hard to let go. At some point in time, you will find that you have let go. For me personally, I don't want to be in love with someone who isn't in love with me. I don't mind loving someone who doesn't love me back. That happens all the time. I don't want to be in love with someone who isn't in love with me, but it happens. I've found letting go of that heartbreak/disappointment starts with just going through the motions of life, as if it's just a normal day. Its an exercise in self-restraint, but you know what? Self-restraint is such a great mechanism for personal growth. I'm sure that's why its used on this circus ride, so get to using it. Miranda.

First of all, you're not alone. I understand what you mean. I frequently feel the same way. That permanent feeling that you did something wrong, that you regret on doing something, that you disappointed or hurted someone... Or even when you can't shut down something that's already over. The thing is: letting go is hard, especially if you're that kind of person who keeps thinking about it and the "WHY": "WHY did I do it?" "WHY can't I undo it?" "WHY can't I let go?". The fact is: you can, indeed, let go. But it takes time. My advise: in order to let go, you need to stop for a while and think about it: I assume you're not crazy; so, when you made that particular choice, you were believing, in that moment, it was the right thing to do. If you were right, you have nothing to be sorry about, regardless the consequences. If you were wrong and you shouldn't have made that decision, than you need to take this experience and learn from it, to avoid something similar in the future. Try this, and, hopefully, you will be able to let go. Best wishes, Ana, from Porto, Portugal.

There are thousands of people out there feeling the way you do. I used to be one of them myself. 'Letting go' is one of the hardest things to do in life, I'm a social worker now and every day I try to teach the people I work with to let things go. And I always see them struggle for a while before finally succeeding. I think the key to letting go, in this case, is; accepting that you've lost something (a job, a friendship), think about why you've lost this something, you probably had a good reason for making the decision to let it go, and find something equally good or even better to replace what you've lost. Take your time, don't rush things. But remember one thing Stephanie, life IS beautiful! You just have to find something that makes you happy, that makes it worth it for you to get up out of bed in the morning. Good luck! Amanda.

The obvious answer seems to be written in your letter already - that you just need to let go indeed. However, life is tricky and sometimes, as they say, 'You gotta fake it until you make it'.
First, your feelings are there for a reason. Therefore, no need to push them aside. The more you try to deny them or go against them - the more they will keep coming back. Just take a breath and accept that's how you're feeling right now, and tell yourself that is all right. Accept what is happening. Observe it. I find that always does it - because inside of you, there is the Stephanie that is already on the right path. Indeed, life is beautiful, and you will get to feel it again. Again, the key is acceptance and respect for yourself through all that you are experiencing right now.
The next step... Fake it til you make it. That means you can't stay stuck in a rut or glued to your bed. That is not an option. No matter how sad you feel, upon waking, jump out of bed and smile, and tell yourself something nice to start the day (even if you don't feel like it). Then, go out for a brisk walk - even better, try running! See the beauty that surrounds you.
The sun is just around the corner. Every day, you will be stronger - just keep your head and your heart high. Love, Irina.


Letting go is a process, not a switch that can be flipped (even when we know beyond all doubt that we must let go and move on), and it's important to be gentle with yourself. I believe that every person/thing we have to eventually let go of leaves behind lessons, something sown in the fertile ground of our souls. We have to be patient sometimes to see what will blossom in the future, but time will prove that for whatever reason, we needed to be on this path, even during the painful parts. The way it feels right now is not the way it will always feel, and by recognizing the need to let go, you have already embraced your inner strength.
Wishing you the best, Mel.

If only the heart would listen to the head. Sounds like your head knows! Acknowledging your sad feelings and realizing you won't die because of them is a great step. Assuming this is a broken relationship, cut all ties if you can, it is hard at first but the less you interact with the person the better it will get. Hard to see now, but you will learn something from this, whether bad or good, take it with you. Time will help, that is very cliche, but unfortunately that is sometimes all you need. We have all gone through this, it totally sucks!! I know you think you will never recover, but I have confidence you will. You sound like you have a GREAT head on your shoulders!
Take care, Jenny.


That sounds there are two things, 1st: you can�t let go, 2nd: you feel exhausted and hollow, those are combined for sure.
I think it�s in our nature of surviving we don�t give up things easily. Many things I got by trying again and again only, if I had stopped it later there probably would not come better situations for me. Sometimes I took breaks, long breaks. Saying, now it�s too much, but I can try it later. Then I did something very different, even for months or years, tried the stopped thing again and it worked. Today I would not want to miss both, the time of doing something different and to try it again.
Of course this can not be done with everything, some things are gone when you let them go. Though there might be more chances to try it later again than it seems at first sight. Maybe the imagination of letting go completely makes you scared. So you take an enormous effort to keep things, that robs your power. Check out if you can take breaks, do other things which give you new energy. �Reloaded� you can go back and try it again. If it really should not work then either, you will feel you want to let it go before it ruins you, but this will be an exception, believe me. Love. L.Q.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week�s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



February 21, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 27th February.

Lately I've been very unproductive. For the past few months I have slowly been sabotaging myself by constantly putting off important things in my life. These things include finding friends, getting a job, finding a place of my own, and most importantly, starting my career.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm doing this out of extreme fear of the future. In my core I am extremely afraid of being successful, and more importantly, afraid of failure. All I can see crushing failure awaiting me and implications that would have on my life (i.e. I would be a failure to my family and myself, I would have wasted years of my life and be significantly behind everyone else).
I don't want to be the guy working at McDonald's in his thirties. However, the more I put my problem off the worse my situation becomes, resulting in a bit of a "self-fulfilling prophecy" if you will. Even though I know my problem and I know logically I'm making things worse for myself, I cannot find the courage to move on.
What should I do?
Thanks. Yours truly, Anthony, USA.


Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.



February 14, 2014 / submitted by Nesma, United Kingdom
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #156

Oracle I'm desperate! There's something I wanna do & it's kinda against my religion. I'm a believer but that thing I wanna do won't reduce my faith though. People in my city would judge me for doing it and that thing is connected to my religion.
It would be better if I didn't say what is it because it needs a lot of explaining. Anyway I wanna you to help me. Something I used to do for my religion but I no more wanna do it but I can't make a choice. Shall I stop doing it and face the consequences or keep on doing it even though I'm a little bit not comfortable with it.
It's like choosing between MY GOD and my own desires.
I can't stop thinking. That's really annoying and it would be bad if I stopped doing it. Maybe I'll continue doing it but in the future but I just wanna stop doing it for now.
I know it's gonna be difficult for you to help me cuz you don't know what that thing is but I believe that you're wise enough to tell me your opinion. Thanks for your time and I would really appreciate if you helped me.
Thank you.

It's probably a good thing that you didn't tell us what the problem is because religious issues are incredibly tricky to give advice on given the number of different religions; each person will have their own view. Whatever dilemma you are facing, I think the fact it won't alter your faith stands you in good stead.
As long as you're not harming anyone or breaking the law, I think you should consider that your God will always be "there" whether you follow his word to the letter or not.
We can worship & pray in all sorts of ways but there can be times we feel pressure it has to be at a certain time & place. If there is someone at that place, you could talk to them about how you feel.
We often face choices that are conflicted with what's right or what we are conditioned to follow. It's natural to question but difficult if your family, community, friends etc. would be opposing to that.
Times have changed and there are more flexible attitudes to beliefs but it's still going to be hard to reconcile with others around you who may disagree with your path.
Personally - without mentioning what religion I was born into or what / if I follow - there are elements that I could take & leave. I always challenged my faith and remained truer to myself rather than the faith, which was difficult at times.
I did eventually explain to my family - rather than my priest - how I felt but I could have kept it to myself, which may be an option for you. Maybe there is a way to practice the way you wish without actually sharing that extent with anyone. Or maybe you could discuss it with your nearest & dearest. It will take bravery to do what you want if it results in a judgment but I wouldn't worry if you think it's God judging you - it's people!
There are many factors to consider but ultimately it is nobody's decision but yours.
Over to you.

I'll be honest: I don't have that much experience with religion. But for so far as I know, God loves humanity, right? Of course you have to do something small to thank god: pray and go to a church. But there are limits.
The most human societies are based on respect. And here in Europe, in America or in Australia, religion and respect are combined in a good and peaceful way.
What I'm trying to tell you is: I think God will respect your 'personal borders'. You know, religion is not something you believe by a book or by someone who tells stories, religion once arose by people who followed their heart, and God helped them. So that's what I think you must do: follow your heart. Isabelle.


I believe that if anything is making you feel wrong by any meaning it is reason enough to stop from doing it, what people might think does not matter, it is your choice. And whatever is doing it or not doing it. It is you who have the word, because it is only you who is going to take all the responsibility and more important the consequences. As long as your choice won't hurt anyone's freedom then it is ok.
Listen to your heart and your conscience, Good luck. Effy.

I think that you have to choose for yourself. It doesn't mean that you turn against God. Everybody has the right to do things their own way and I really think that no-one has the right to judge you! I believe in something but I'm not believing in some people who said "you have to do this or else" I think believing is a feeling and if it's feels right then it's okay. If it feels not right than it is not okay. I truly hope you find things out and you feeling yourself good with it! Good luck and God bless you! Greets Marianne.

In my eyes, religion is meant to be something to enhance your quality of life by giving you a greater, stronger connection to the world. If, however, an aspect/practice makes you uncomfortable, then you must realize that you, yourself, always come first. Religion, for some, is a comfort, a guidance, and if you don't agree with a part of it, that doesn't mean that you are disrespecting it in any way. You are simply recognizing the importance of you being comfortable and content. You stated that you believe it will not reduce your faith, and that is what matters, as each person's faith is their own personal relationship with God; despite any judgements you may receive, hold your head high and remember that who you are and what you are comfortable with comes before anything/anyone else, because it is you alone who will have to live with the choices you make later. Therefore, make the choices that will make YOU happy. The people who love you and truly matter will accept you, no matter the personal choices you make regarding your faith.
Best of luck, Anonymous.

I've heard your dilemma. It must be a very hard decision for you to choose your God and your temptations. But I always believe that in every religion, it is taught that if you depend on God even your worst desires that burden you will be alleviated. So, don't stop depending on your God!
Best regards, Joshua.


If your religion asks you to do something that you're not comfortable with, you've been put in a tight spot. Whatever it is that you don't want to do anymore, if it feels wrong in your heart, then you shouldn't do it. If it hurts other people or it hurts you, don't do it, unless it makes you a better person.
Sincerely, Anna R.

I think this is a problem a lot of people have with religion, whether they�re religious or not. The foundation of almost every faith, in some form or another, is love. God loves you, you love God, love everyone else, etc. What makes it hard is all the rules and doctrine that come with that. A lot of times, you feel like you need to follow dozens of other rules or else God won't love you, which I disagree with. This is a more "open interpretation," granted, but I think there are a lot of factors in play. One of them is we have to remember when these questions were written. A lot came about centuries ago and may have made sense or applied at the time, but don't really stand up in today's society. More importantly is a loving God. If your God really loves you and you believe that he does, then something like this shouldn't make a difference to him. He understands that we're all complex people and wants us to be happy and, in the end, no matter what we do, will love us. J.D.

I am an individual of faith like you. I believe that My God is capable of all things and that He understands us no matter what we shall do. Religion often considered greater than belief in God, but the issue is we are not called to worship a religion, but to just believe in God. Don't let religion be the cause of your dilemma, but just focus how it will effect you and your God. You don't owe anybody an explanation, but God. So so what is comfortable for you between you and your God. May peace be with you.
Sincerely, Jonathan H., USA.

I do not know what religious faith your beliefs follow so I cannot advise what doing the thing you think you shouldn't would impact on you religious beliefs. I can however offer a couple of ways you could try to work things out. First is there an adult who you trust that is the same religion, doesn't need to be a family member that you could explain your dilemma to? They may well have gone through a similar dilemma at some point in their life. Also they will be able to confirm to you if this thing you want to do is definitely not approved of within your religion. Secondly what about not doing this thing for a month and seeing how that makes you feel. You may realise you can't not do the thing or you may feel actually you are ok not doing the thing.
Last of all good luck hope I may have helped you with finding the answer to your dilemma and the happiness you wish for.
Kindest regards, Jo.


Many people go through what you're going through, no matter their religion. The main thing you should take into account is why you're considering stopping; is it purely for personal comfort? Or is it a moral choice? For example, not brushing your teeth everyday just out of laziness is not worth putting your dental health at risk. If the choice you can't seem to make has a deeper meaning than just "having one less responsibility", you shouldn't worry about what others will say as long as you stay true to your own values. Basically, if not doing this religious act doesn't hurt you, make you any less of a good person, or straight out offend others (like animal slaughter rituals for example), then you should stop doing it for a while and see how it goes. You can always go back to doing it if it feels like you should. Barbie.

It's ok to have faith, but faith should not make you do things that you don't want to. Faith and religion are only a guide, a way to live life, a set of suggestions created by men but not a set of laws you must follow. Do what you really want in life and not what others tell you. Jose.

I believe your answer relies on whether or not your religion is of the utmost importance to you. If you love "your God" the way he would want you to, then it should be easier to choose your God over your desire. Maybe thinking about why your religion is against it will help you make the decision to stick to your faith or give in to your desire. Ashlyn.

It's tough to answer this question because I don't know what the 'thing' is you're referring to, but I think you should do whatever makes you happy! Just because you don't go to church every Sunday doesn't mean you can't or don't believe in your god. You don't have to choose between your faith and your own desires. Whoever your god is he or she will know that you are a true believer even when you do something others in your community may frown upon. Some people will judge you and that's hard, but others will follow your example and soon you won't be alone anymore. Good luck! Amanda.

For me it is not so important to know what it is exactly. Probably it is something more or less wise persons once wrote down to organise life in a community of faith for one of those religions existing on earth. All those religions have different rules for rituals, every day life, food, marriage, this and that. But usually they do have some essential things in common: humans have to be honest, not to steal, not to kill� I don�t think your thing belongs to those. How do other denominations handle your �thing�? Maybe it is forbidden there as well, but the consequences might be different. For the long run it is never good to do something in secret or with a bad conscience. It does bother you and you have to find a way to have both, your believe in your god AND being yourself.
If it something your family would not accept you should talk about it to someone who can really help you, a support group or something, you might not be alone with this problem.
Don�t forget those rules are made for your religion, but human beings wrote them and I�m not so sure if your god does already know the things you do are not welcome in his religion. Don't worry. L.Q.

I do not envy the decision you have to make, it is hard to choose between long held beliefs and one own happiness. You wonder if you should stop or face the consequences. The question is are you willing to live with whatever those consequences may be. There can be a high price to pay for charting your own course. I too was faced with this dilemma (or similar) and chose to follow my heart and live the life I was meant to, but it did come at a price - the loss of all my former associates. I don't regret my decision or my life before, happiness is worth the fight. I hope you find the happiness you deserve, blessings, Laurie.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week�s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



February 14, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?

As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 20th February.

I'm looking for your advice because I really want to know if there are others out there who feel the way I feel. The thing is I need to know where I can find the strength to let go? When things don't work out the way it should, is time to face the truth that you have to step back and leave it for good. I am aware that letting go is the right thing to do because I will find something better waiting in my future or I will find what is meant to be. I know, BUT I don't feel that way. I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I don't even want to get up of bed, but I'm not sad because I am realistic and I know I won't die for taking my choice but I still feel this way, I feel hollow. Life is really beautiful and I want to feel it again. Stephanie, Mexico.

Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.



February 9, 2014 / submitted by Kassandra, Mexico
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #155
Have you ever been heartbroken? Because lately I have been. It all started when I broke up with my boyfriend/best friend (biggest mistake ever) a year ago and got consumed by a big depression (6 months).
His father sadly passed away in July, so I made a promise with myself that I would be strong for him and for me. Since then I feel a lot happier with myself. I love him, in the most-unbreakable-friendship way, but still, what should I do with my other feelings? Thanks. Kassandra.

Yes I have been heartbroken and it's the worst pain I have ever experienced. The loss of love is like death but your ex-boyfriend is dealing with the death of his father, not the death of the relationship. You cannot fix him and therefore you may not be able to fix the relationship.
I have spoken about death & bereavement a lot over the years. I have also the experience of being with someone who lost a parent. When their parent died, a little bit of them did too and ultimately our relationship started to break down.
It's quite common and speaking to friends who have been through the same, they say that life is never the same again and felt the need to start afresh as the world they knew now didn't have that person in it. They cleared the decks and changed everything - job, accommodation, relationship.
Something absolutely dreadful has happened but he's not a victim and you're not the hero. If anyone needs saving, it's probably you from the hurt you're feeling. Who is there for you?
You don't 'have' to be strong. If you can be there as a friend to offer support & a shoulder to cry on that's commendable but if you're hoping this will lead to a reunion, you may have to step back.
You may think it was a big mistake but presumably you broke up for a reason. You didn't reconcile so maybe it was actually for the best, even though you may not see or feel that.
I hate to say this Kassandra but I don't think you are being strong for him and you. Where's the 'you' part? It sounds very much like you are putting his needs before your own. Depression is a hard condition to live with and I'm worried that you are using the saving him as masking tape for your problems. I'm hoping you are seeking help & guidance too. You need to deal with your feelings and to grieve your loss. Look after yourself.
Over to you.

If you really love him, your boyfriend, I think you should talk to him when he feels better. Tell him the truth: About your love, and about your other feelings. Don't quarrel, just talk.
I'm afraid the talk won't be nice, but after your talk, you feel much better. It really helps to talk about your feelings.
Now I have to say, that there is a chance it works out on a quarrel, and that quarrel will be worse then the talk, but in a month, maybe two, you'll also feel better.
Another chance is that he'll break walk away from you. That means he hasn't got respect for your feelings, and he doesn't deserve your trust and love. If he walks away, you must let him go, and never let him in again. That will be very hard, but then there's no reason to feel guilty.
Goodluck, Isabelle.


I know exactly how you feel, if you are still in love with him then I should try to get him back. I don't know if he is still in love with you but you can find it out. Call him and ask him if he wanna go out with you because than you can find out how he feels about you. Only one thing, don't take him back if you feeling sorry for him because of his loss. Only if you got real feelings for him than go for it! I wanna wish you a lot of luck! Greets Marianne.

I'm sorry to hear about your depression and I hope you're feeling better now. You mentioned you were the one who broke up with your boyfriend, there must've been a reason for that. If that reason or any other doubt still exists, I don't think you should act on your feelings for him. If anything goes wrong, you'll risk falling into another depression and you shouldn't put yourself through that again.
But if you are sure about your feelings and if you still love him and he still loves you, then by all means go for it! Be careful and good luck. Amanda.


I believe being heartbroken is something you should embrace.I'm not saying its a good experience to feel but it does help you to feel new feelings and experience things you never experience before. To make you feel better, i believe heartbroken musicians make the best lyricist. But to be honest, I guess it shall make you bolder though. Listen to mellow songs, look at the stars, look at the moon, life is so full of wonder. Sofia.

I think the best thing to do would be to just be a friend to him for now.Sometimes that's all some people need at the moment. Support him and just get him through this tough time. Then you should be honest and tell him how you feel. Jenny.

Love has no categories. Friendship and relationship are just words. Don't get stuck on that. There's no 'other feelings'. You still able to share the love with him. Live comfortably. You said you're happier now. It's amazing that you can share your love with every pieces of your broken hearted, isn't it? So why have to confused? Past is past. Time will answer your future with him. God bless you both. J.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



February 9, 2014 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?
As you may know, we have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday we open questions of a personal nature to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.

ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 13th February.

Oracle I'm desperate! There's something I wanna do & it's kinda against my religion. I'm a believer but that thing I wanna do won't reduce my faith though. People in my city would judge me for doing it and that thing is connected to my religion.
It would be better if I didn't say what is it because it needs a lot of explaining. Anyway I wanna you to help me. Something I used to do for my religion but I no more wanna do it but I can't make a choice. Shall I stop doing it and face the consequences or keep on doing it even though I'm a little bit not comfortable with it.
It's like choosing between MY GOD and my own desires.
I can't stop thinking. That's really annoying and it would be bad if I stopped doing it. Maybe I'll continue doing it but in the future but I just wanna stop doing it for now.
I know it's gonna be difficult for you to help me cuz you don't know what that thing is but I believe that you're wise enough to tell me your opinion. Thanks for your time and I would really appreciate if you helped me.
Thank you. Nesma, U.K.


Look forward to seeing your replies.

The Oracle.

Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com
Including your twitter address may result in a follow back.



January 31, 2014 / submitted by Mindy, Australia
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #154
I feel completely lost. My friends all like each other better than they like me. I used to be the glue, holding everyone together. Organising meet ups, a shoulder to cry on and sorting out disagreements. Now, they seek each other, looking for comfort, advice or a laugh amongst themselves. I haven't been cut out, but they simply do not care about me as much. How do you cope with a realisation like that? What changed? Confused and disappointed.

It's possible you're interpreting this differently to them and you may actually be isolating yourself while they carry on as normal regardless.
Let me first say that it sounds like you should be proud of the role you have held amongst your group of friends. It's not easy being the leader and have people rely on you. Perhaps you should relish this time off from that pressure - even if it was a pressure you enjoyed. You can still offer support but perhaps they don't need as much from you just now. It doesn't mean they like you less; they're still your friends.
Friends can & do go through phases of spending time with different people within a group and therefore dynamics often change.
I know it's hard to adjust but maybe it's time to just kick back & have fun with your friends rather than worry about the serious side of what's gone before in the friendships.
Jump in and get involved rather than stay on the sidelines because they may not have noticed what's happening and how it makes you feel.
You could tell them how you feel if you're very troubled but I'd guess this will all work out for you. Put on your best smile and try not to take it personally.
Over to you.

“Let's ta-a-alk”! - Communication is the best medicine. Tell them you have the feeling they do not care about you as much and ask them if you did something wrong for them to become distant towards you. You have nothing to lose. If they tell you that you’re being paranoid, just explain that it’s the way you feel. If their distant behaviour is really not deliberate, they will do some soul searching and adapt their attitude. And if there actually is a problem, they may be willing to share it with you. People behave differently when they are in a group as compared to when they are alone. Try to spend time with each of them – one person at a time - to get closer with them again. I don’t know how old you are, but friendships do evolve as we grow up – particularly in teen years because it’s a period of great change. Maybe that’s a clue. But don’t let it break your heart. Take care, Helene.

Sometimes old friends of primary or secondary school change. They like others more or they just grow in another direction then you. Here are some possibilities:
You could let them know you still exist. Tell some jokes, be funny. Help those who have trouble, or help with homework.
If this doesn't help, I'm really afraid you are growing in another direction. Most of the time friends have the same hobbies, or like the same things. When they 'grow in another direction,' that means they like other things and other people. In that case I'm afraid you have to search other friends. Friends with the same hobbies, and who like the same music, maybe, or maybe play in the same sport club. Things like that. I know that will be hard, but it is less painful then tell them the truth. That's the third and most difficult option, which I think you shouldn't take. If you tell them you are thinking your friendship fades, and they think it isn't, they won't like that. That will surely work out in a quarrel. Or maybe in the other direction: they tell you they don't like you anymore. Hearing that really hurts.
Now I hope you know what to do, and you're prepared for the worst. I hope it doesn't come so far.
Goodluck, Isabelle.

A couple of days ago I missed school and a friend called me saying that everybody missed me and that the day didn't feel the same without my presence. The next day I spent it alone. Why? because they have their own lives and their own friends. Despite I understand your situation I'm afraid I have to be a bit harsh on this one. Dear, you're not the sun and they're not planets orbiting around you. There are going to be times in which the group will separate and they will spent time with other people besides you, but that doesn't mean they're letting you behind on purpose. Sometimes you just got to let them go, if they don't want to cry on your shoulder don't feel rejected or replaced, maybe YOUR shoulder is not what they need at the moment but other person's. It's not that they like each other better than they like you, it's just that maybe they share specific things with specific friends. MDLA.

There could be many reasons why your friends don't seem to be as close to you as they were before. They probably do still care about you, but friendships change over the years and sometimes those changes aren't easy to accept. I think you should talk to them about how you feel and tell them you feel a bit left out. They're probably not even aware their behaviour is upsetting you, Sometimes though, for whatever reason, you just grow apart and either you, your friends or both develop different interest. If that's the case, you'll have to try and focus more on the friends you still have things in common with and leave some of your old ones behind(I know it's hard). Good luck! Amanda.

There comes a time in your life that you have to realise having good friends is more important than what you actually do with them.
A good friend is someone who will be there for you whether it's every day, week or year to year.
Just because they now don't need your guiding influence doesn't mean that they don't care, it's because you've nurtured those friendships over years and they know where you are if they need you.
Don't feel like they don't care, and just learn to chill and enjoy time with without feeling like you need to be the centre of attention. It makes your life feel a lot more fulfilled when you know you're there whether they need you or not!
Just remember to chill, and find peace with where you are in your circle of friends! Regards, Brendon.


This may seem like a cliché advice, but it can really help a lot to talk to your friends about it. Maybe start with only one of them, the person you trust most and you feel will understand your position best. Ask what changed, and tell them that you've been feeling a bit excluded. It might all just be a misunderstanding, and they didn't do it intentionally or didn't realise that they hurt you.
However, if they don't really offer you any explanations or evade your questions, and you feel like you can't really rely on them anymore, it might be best to slowly start building some new friendships & detach yourself a bit from your old circle of friends. They're supposed to offer you support, if they bring you down they're doing a really poor job at being a friend.
I wish you all the best! Friederike.

This is our nature and they make themselves more important by slowly pushing you away, don't be the glue anymore just keep on your life, spend more times alone just trying to entertain yourself. You got music you got Coldplay then you got everything and one day they will do know your priceless value as their eternal way of love, Mash.

First of all,I think you should talk to your friends about it and how this whole thing is bothering you and if they still continue then MOVE ON. I know it sounds harsh but that's just life. I've been there too. They were like my really close friends. I stopped letting little things like that bother me. Made new friends and I think I've been a happier person. They came around later on but by then I didn't feel the need to be wanted by them because I had a lot of other people in my life who cared and stuck with me throughout. Also I wrote songs about it, helped me cope. Sonam.

Circles of friends are strange things as they seem to always be evolving in some way or another. In one way, kudos to you for making your circle of friends a little more independent, maybe too independent from you. You could always try confiding in one or two of them to see if they really have kind of cut you out, and if they really have, then at least you'll know. And if you were the glue in this circle of friends, there is nothing stopping you from being the glue in another circle of friends! Everything will work out for you! Take care, Evan, Canada.

Your story is heartfelt. Not sure how old you are, but you will encounter many people in your life, that you will become friends with, moving forward.
Sounds like your group of friends may be struggling with 'self esteem' and in turn 'jealousy'. This may be very difficult for you to grasp. Yes it is confusing, disappointing and I understand your loss.
As hard as it may be, just turn the other cheek, move forward, let it go and make new friends. You will encounter this situation in every stage of life. Your group of friends are knocking you down and are jealous of you. A good friend does not do that. They are in a sense bullying you and now you are not in a happy place. You sound like a very caring and endearing friend, who has great self esteem! Please don't let your group of friends destroy this part of you. Move forward and seek out friends in your life, that keep you in your 'Happy Place'. Wishing you all the best as you move forward! Jacqui.

Don't worry I think they just want to change of habits, or they might have personal problems and they don't want to talk about it... but if they are true friends they'll realize you're irreplaceable, that you're a pretty good person and they'll come back to you.
Love, Chariste.


I see that you were used to be the one that unite the friendship between your friends, became that one amazing person your friends could share their story with, and the one who always settle things with peace. But sadly you thought your friends "ditched" you after all of the things you've done to them, and all of the friendship you've lingered. However, you know what makes them happy now? You. Without you, no more friendship between them. You are not "used" to be the glue, you are. I bet all of your friends love you more than they love each others!
You're loved, and you'll always be! Joshua.

It's really hard if you recognize that your friends don't pay attention to you, I got this so many times and to be honest I finish with those people who only come to me when they have problems. It's maybe better that you speak to them and let them know what's on you're mind. If they don't care you know that they don't deserve you're friendship, I truly hope that they care about you and paying more attention to you! Good luck! Greets Marianne.

I've been through this as well with my friends. They always made up plans behind my back, talk behind my back etc. Even though we're best friends. But after a while, things changed again. You just get tired of each other if you're hanging around with each other very often. We've always been close, and now we're closer than ever.
Things will change, trust me. Maybe you just need to take a little break from each other? Or just sit down and have a long chat, talk about it. Either way. I think you need to do what you feel is the best option.
I'm 100% sure everything will be alright soon again. Much Love, Filip, Sweden.

Seems your friends treat you like a mom who has pacified some quarrelling kids. They forgot you were on the same level being a friend with them. Remind them, “glue” them to yourself, you could hold the others together, now try it for you. If it doesn’t work they probably first need to get over their childish behaviour. You don’t need to break with them, but I think I would take more distance and seek out for friends who are more on the same wavelength. Don’t worry, you don’t need to accept this state of things, you can change it. Best wishes. L.Q.

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. Sometimes I feel the same way, having my friends back when they might not have mine. What you have to do though, is not dwell on the situation. The more you think about it, the harder it will be to face. Tell your friends about how you feel, and I know that might be really hard to do, trust me I know. You don't even have to tell everyone in the group, maybe just one of your friends in that group. And if this doesn't work, find some other friends to hang out with if you are feeling lonely. It's better to be around people that make you happy than people who don't. I hope this will help! I promise you things will get better! Abby.

Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.



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