August 22, 2014 - submitted by Miranda, Australia
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #181
Currently in tears, I came out of a 9 year relationship a year ago where the other person thought it was good to purposely hurt me for their own gratification.
It took over a year to get over this.
I have since met someone who is really nice and an inspiration. We are in a no commitment relationship, but when he says that he is going to come over he does not.
Should I continue with this?
I have known him for over 2 years and liked him from the first time I met him. If you say you're going to come over then do so. I am a pretty simple easy going person and my mum calls me a big softy cause all I do is help people. Should I continue with this no commitment relationship, even though I have deep feelings for this person now, or should I just push everything down toughen up and get on with life?
The Oracle replies:
It does take time to get over hurt and that can be detrimental to new relationships moving forward if you haven't dealt with it.
I don't think it's a case of toughening up, more of working out what you want from a relationship.
You may be scared to commit hence getting into a noncommittal situation with this guy. However, you can't have it both ways. If there's no commitment, him not turning up is, well, not committing - as arranged.
Maybe that's just the way he is with every aspect of his life or maybe this is just showing you that he's not committed.
That said, it drives me mad when people don't do what they say and it's reasonable to let someone know that it's not cool. Tell him that if he's not going to make it over, to let you know. If he continues to let you down, decide what's acceptable and stick to it otherwise he will continue to do what he wants with little regard for what you want.
Now, I'm going to hazard a guess that what you'd really like is to be in a committed relationship with him with a cast iron guarantee that he will never hurt you. That is never going to happen.
If you're playing at being cool with this arrangement it's time for you to stop pretending and face up to what's really happening.
I hate to say it but I fear the chances are you could get hurt again because of your deep feelings for him.
You need to be honest. If you want more, talk to him. See what he thinks. If he has feelings for you too, maybe it's time to give it a go and try to have a committed relationship. You may find he doesn't feel the same but don't be surprised if he's happy with the way things are.
If you're not, you need to put an end to the arrangement.
A year isn't all that long to heal. Don't push anything down as that is not healthy. Please consider you may still have work to do to on the aftermath of your 9-year relationship.
Whatever you decide, you need to do what's best for you right now.
Over to you.
If you don't like that he doesn't come around when he says he will, why are you in a non-committed relationship at all? Be on your own until you find a decent guy who treats you with respect! Ann.
You deserve to be happy and healthy in everything including your relationships. Right now is when you need to step back and look at your current relationship objectively. Does he care about you as much as you care about him? Do you feel safe and happy around him? Does he treat you well? You should then dive deep within yourself and ask if this relationship is really a good one for you or not. All relationships have issues, but there is a line, and perhaps he is crossing it. If the only problem you have with him is that he doesn't come over when he says he will but he's there for you when you need him, has a good connection with you, treats you well, etc., then talk to him and find out why he doesn't come. His answer could determine if you should really stay with him or not.
Another thing to think about is if he is constantly making you upset or giving you that horrible pit in your stomach. If so, then you probably shouldn't continue the relationship because it's not a good one for you. If you ask me, ALL relationships have some level of commitment or they sink. If your relationship is one-ended and you're the only one trying, then it may be time to move on. You deserve nothing less than someone who has feelings as strongly for you as you do for him. Brooke.
9 years is a LONG time to be in a relationship so I honestly don't think you're ready to be in another one yet. I'd be kicking this guy to the kerb and having fun. This doesn't sound like fun when he lets you down. Be happy! Kev.UK.
He sounds like a douche! How would he like it if you didn't do what you said you were going to do when you said you were? Maybe you should try and see? If he doesn't care, there's your answer. Men don't like to be nagged and I;d bet money that he says you're nagging him if you approach him about it. Again, that will be your answer. Move on, Miranda. Betsy, Chicago.
Your last relationship ended badly after a very long time. If he didn't treat you well, I;d say the next man you spend time should be treating you like a princess! They are out there. You don't need to get too serious too soon but I don't think a no strings attached (that's what this sounds like) is rig for you - not after what you've been through. Good luck. Bonnie.
You sound like a lovely person. It sounds as if you want to please people so much that you are not taking care of you. You need to take care of you. Don't let people use you and walk all over you. Your own self esteem and self respect matter.
As for your past with a 9 yr relationship, why would you let someone "abuse" you and disrespect you?
You need to love yourself first.
You need to respect yourself first.
You need to ask for what you need, and don't settle for less.
You need to talk about your feelings and be able to have some hard conversations.
Sometimes being too kind is how you get hurt. Sadly, not everyone has your heart and your desire to help others.
You will find a "healthy" relationship where someone thinks so much of you and wants to take care of you. Someone who understands you.
Please don't settle. You are worth so much more than these 2 relationships so far.
Listen to your heart and soul.
Wishing you the best. Be brave. Take care of you. Julie.
Never make anyone to your priority when YOU are only a option to them.
You say you like to help people. This a wonderful character trait, But you should look for yourself anyway. YOU are someone, too. And you don't deserve such a "care". Put all your self-esteem and pride together and move on. Although there are deep feelings for that person. You need someone who respects you for what you are and keep their promises. You are not a toy to play with. Wish you all the best . Maren.
Hmm, what do you think a non-committed relationship is? It's what it says on the tin - exactly what this man is doing. If you don't like it, you are obviously looking for commitment so this isn't fair on either of you. Maybe you should just be friends. I hope you learn to trust again but I don't think it's going to be with this person - not unless you tell him you want to move the goalposts. Harriet, Leeds.
If a man says something like he will come over and he does not follow through, it means he does not think it is that important. If he has better things to do, well then, so should you. In my opinion, you should get out of the relationship now. Honor and respect yourself enough to know that you have a great capacity for love, and that you deserve the same kind of love in return. It will hurt to say goodbye, but you will be better off moving on now. Never waste your time and energy on people who do not treat you with respect. They are unlikely to change.
Also, try to let yourself grieve over the loss of the relationship by crying, writing in a journal, or talking to close friends or a therapist. Pushing down the pain will cause more harm to you than processing through the emotions you feel in hard times like these. You'll get over the pain more quickly and feel better about yourself. Sorry this one did not work out, but there is a wonderful, respectful and loving man out there for you somewhere. Try to be patient and wait for the man you deserve. (Actually, I'm doing the same right now.) Best of luck! Tracey.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.