July 11, 2014 - submitted by Tyler, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #176
I've been having a problem lately saying what I have been wanting to say for a very long time. I will get close to saying what I need to say to certain people in my life (friends, family, past flames, etc.) but at the last moment my mind stops me, like it's the wrong thing to do. I've been wanting to spill all of my thoughts into the open about how I have been miserable without certain people there as friends in my life and how maybe I need more help with sorting out my feelings, but when I get close to writing it all down or leaving messages on their phones, I see how happy they are without me in their lives and I just, I don't want to feel like I am ruining that. What do I do? Do I spill the beans to stop being miserable or do I let them be happy and go on with their lives? I wish I could let all of this go but it's just a difficult concept. Thank-you for taking the time to read this because I really appreciate it.
The Oracle replies:
Let me start by wishing you a very happy birthday, Tyler! I happen to know it's your birthday so let's hope the advice below will help get the next year off to a good start.
I feel as individuals we have the right to voice our feelings and opinions without retribution. There are sayings such as 'honesty is the best policy' that I do subscribe to. Mind you, they also say 'ignorance is bliss'. The people around you don't know how you feel & it sounds like you don't want to ruin their bliss. It's not healthy to harbour these feelings inside. You need to get them out. I think the key to expressing yourself freely might be to consider the effect your words may have on someone and deliver them accordingly.
Your negative feelings may evoke another's negatives feelings and perhaps that's why you have steered clear of showing them but there are ways of saying things that could avoid any unpleasantries.
It may sound like I am contradicting myself here but what someone else thinks or feels about what you say, is their issue to deal with (and vice versa of course). The most important thing is that you put your point across and are heard.
I think you should unburden yourself but tread gently. Letters can be re-read and taken in uninterrupted but the written word can easily be misinterpreted. I suggest you talk to people face to face. It won't be easy but hopefully you will feel a huge weight has been lifted and continue to speak freely in the future.
Plan what you're going to say (write notes if it helps). Explain that you have something important to convey and if you feel it necessary, warn them that may not like what they hear. Speak slowly and make sure people let you finish before they reply. Listen to their reply and respect their response.
You can't do anything about how your words are taken or how they will answer but the main thing is to be true to yourself.
Over to you.
'If you listen to fear, then you cannot hear your heart'.
On the other side of your fear is everything you want. You just have to listen only to your heart.
We live in a crazy world and the only thing you truly have is your own heart, mind and soul.
If your heart is telling you to contact these people then please listen - this is your duty.
Whilst you may think that your strong desire to make contact is merely for your own benefit, perhaps you also need to consider the greater mystery?
It is a very sad and scary fact - but we never truly know what is happening to someone 'behind closed doors'. Whilst you think that this person seems wonderfully 'content and happy' perhaps they are being forced to hide their suffering and are in fact crying out for your help? Hence, your strong desire to contact them? Â I think we have all experienced those instances when we have done something thoughtful for another person and they say "You have no idea how much I needed that today?".
The wonderful thing is that not only could you potentially help another person but you will also warm your own heart by finally being close to the person (people).
So please get writing, phoning - running! Please listen to your heart - they truly are wise and beautiful gifts.
Much love and light and blessings. Penelope.
Tyler, I can relate to you because I have felt the same way also. But let me assure you that there's nothing wrong to let your feelings float because I'm sure it has been painful to hold on things that you really want to say. Just tell your friends, family, etc what you want to say and that you need them in your life back and as human I'm sure it's such a nice feeling to be important to someone so I suggest you to open up to them. About them being happy, who knows if they actually miss you and need you also? I mean some people don't really express the way they feel out loud and you might get a mutual feeling. Plus it will be such a huge relief to let out the things that burden you. So yeah spill the beans, Tyler and good luck! Natasha.
I think I can give you a help because I can somehow identify myself with you, I got amazed.
The problem can be in yourself or in others, you can have difficult in expressing your feelings or something it's putting you uncomfortable and having difficult in expressing feelings it doesn't always mean you are a shy person, you just need a "push".
I admired the fact that you really want to get close to your friends, you should do it because you love people. People can love you if you are yourself, don't worry about it!
I can give you my example: I play guitar and would like to sing too but i'm shy enough to don't sing, I don't let that ruin my life, I can improve a little bit my skills in the guitar and show it to people and thrill with them and who knows I get inspired. Catarina.
I think I can give you a help because I can somehow identify myself with Here's a secret about people: they want to feel good about themselves. They want to be appreciated, known, and cared for by others.
With that said, if you ever ask for help from your friends, family, or anyone, that gives them a confidence boost that they're reliable, that they're trustworthy, that they're someone to go to during help. (That's why teachers are there during schools: they're there to not only teach you about subjects, but to help you in understanding them. And if you ask questions to them because you're lost, it's not because you're bothering them, but because you're looking up to them as a source for help.)
When you ask questions, you are never bothering anyone. You are showing, unconditionally, that you look up to them, that you're asking THEM for help (and that you were thinking about them)!
Let me tell you: asking for help takes a lot of courage. I believe that you are strong to ask for help, that you're grand to show that certain friends are special to you. I KNOW that you can do this, Tyler, and I KNOW that people will feel appreciated to know that you care about them.
Not a lot of people express their love to others enough. But I know that you can change that, Tyler. It took guts to ask for help, and we're here to support you every step of the way!
Do your greatest, Tyler! #YouCanDoIt! Lawrence.
It's time to speak up and be honest with your friends and family. Past flames are just that, part of your past unless you still have some current interaction with them. The sad thing is you can't be saying things are always "fine" when they're not.
All these feelings and words unsaid are being buried inside of you. One day they will all manifest in ways like stress, that affects your physical and emotional health. Worry about you first, not about what people think of you. I know peer pressure and family pressures can be very challenging and difficult. You need to take care of you and your own happiness.
Don't get me wrong, you need to find those who are closest to you. The ones who have seen you at your best and those who still stand beside you at your worst. Those are the ones who will keep your confidence and keep you honest. Ask them one day if you can be honest with them about some things that are weighing you down. If they say yes, they have given you their permission to share what ever it is you need to tell. Once you've told it, give those stories and feelings an ending, and let them go. If they still linger, then write those stories down on a piece of paper, and burn it. Once those ashes are gone, let go of the painful past, and move on.
It's hard to be in the present. You have to make a conscious effort to learn from the past and let it go. Live in the present, and welcome the future with open arms. Good things happen when you least expect them to. And usually history doesn't repeat itself.
We're given a gift of a new day with each morning. How we decide to write in our diaries each day is up to you!
Be brave. Be happy and be well. Julie.
I understand how difficult it is to tell your friends personal things, especially the first time. But non-solved problems are always getting worse, believe me. So sit down one time, take a deep breath and tell the problem in one breath. With going around the subject (as we call it in the Netherlands) makes it harder to come at the point.
You also said you don't want to ruin your friends lives. Maybe you should see it this way: When your friends see there is something and you don't tell it, they might feel very uncomfortable. Being straight forward, for now, is my advice.
Good luck, Isabelle.
You have to do things in life that make you happy. Never feel bad about wanting to express your true feelings or emotions to anyone. Keeping things bottled inside isn't helping you, it's just making you feel more stress and anxious.You need to trust in yourself, and sit the people down that you want to open up to, and then do so. You aren't ruining anyone's life by making sure the way YOU feel is known, and if anyone makes you feel that way, then wouldn't it feel good to know that, so you can continue your life journey without that baggage of the unknown? Free yourself, its okay to make anything you feel known, honest. And yeah, it's really hard to come clean about things when you've been keeping them so close to your heart, but start with one person you trust and love the most, and then tell them whats been going on and have them just listen to you. Trust me, the burden will be lifted off you, and you'll gain the confidence to make sure everyone knows your true self and feelings and you will stop hiding behind your fear. Melissa.
Write it all down, your feelings, wishes, and regrets. Get it all on paper so you can see it in black and white. You say you have been holding back for a long time, you may not even realize exactly what you want, you just know you do not want to feel the way you do right now. If apologies are in order or forgiveness is due- then give them freely without any expectations. If you walked away from relationships and now think you made a mistake, go tell them how you feel, again without expectations.
It is not other people's job to love or fix you. It is yours. Do not misunderstand me, there is NO judgment here. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are. However; how we allow those feelings to become actions or reactions is our responsibility solely. Our ego strives to make us feel okay and avoid discomfort, but sometimes a little miserable is our Soul trying to nudge us in the right direction. Speak your truth, but speak it to yourself first. Trying to recapture the past is not the way to move forward to your path. There is one day you can do nothing about, and that day is yesterday. You only have control over yourself this moment, right now, this minute. You are strong , but you cannot possibly gather all the new gifts for your life with your hands full of the past.
Be Well-Be Blessed-Be Yourself (everyone else is already taken) Dani USA.
You are right about how hard it is to be open and honest sometimes. The reason for this could be that you are fearing what kind of reaction you will get. You also mention that you feel you should' let them be happy without you in your lives'. This makes me wonder if something has happened in the past. What ever it is, ask yourself which is easier to live with; the angst you feel now, or the consequences of speaking up. This is something only you can answer, knowing the people in question, and how they will likely react. Could a greater problem result?? Or could it lead to a healing for you? Perhaps an impartial friend familiar with this could serve to give you a heads up in terms of what to expect. Good luck with it, take care, Laurie.
Tyler, the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Keeping things bottled up inside creates so much toxicity. "Do I spill the beans to stop being miserable or do I let them be happy and go on with their lives?" Perhaps there's a way for both of these outcomes to happen. Are you absolutely sure that sharing what is in your heart will be received with negativity? Are you sure that what you have to express would actually cause their happiness to decrease? So often, the mind can get going on an endless loop, escalating a situation that is really only in our thoughts. I have a feeling that if you shared with total honesty, from a place of love (without expecting something in return), you would be surprised by what may happen. Write your feelings out and then decide whether or not to share them. Sometimes just writing without filters releases the grip the unexpressed feelings have. Release it so you can move on and create the life you are meant to live. You deserve happiness, too. With love, Alia.
It makes me sad that you don't feel well. In life you share happiness and sorrow with your friends and family, that is what friends and family are for. I am sure that you will feel much better if you share your thoughts with them and I am sure that some of them will listen. If not, you will know that it's not a real friend. You write that you don't want to ruin their happy life. Things are sometimes not what it appears to be. A person who looks happy on the outside might not be happy in the inside. Life is also like a rollercoaster, it goes up and down. Maybe next time it's your turn to listen to them. I wish you the best and hope that you will feel much better when you have shared your thoughts and feelings with friends and family. Love, Ann-Sofie, Sweden.
I wonder why you feel that you would ruin their happiness by opening up to them. You've completely ruled out the possibility that you could make them happy, or at least not make them happy or sad.To me, that seems just as unrealistic as expecting to be the center of all their lives. You should remember that, yes, time has passed and people grow apart, but people can also grow closer with time and effort. So if they really do mean a lot to you, just ask yourself if they're worth the effort and the risk of putting yourself out there for a brief moment of your life. As for handling your emotions, not asking for help from friends or family will only make you feel isolated. I don't know your age but If you're old enough you could see a therapist on your own and It could be private. Trying to ignore the way you feel or assuming your feelings don't affect people around you will only lead to more complicated and negative emotions. It just doesn't work if you're trying to live a happy life. Opening up and confronting yourself will be a step forward. Hope this helps. Love, Darem.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.