July 4, 2014 - submitted by Laine, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #175
I've gotta admit I am kind of depressed right now. You see, I have a huge crush on this guy, and well, he is soooo out of my league. He plays tons of sports. And here I am. I have cerebral palsy. It isn't severe, but it's enough to make me different. Noticeably different. And I feel like nobody is ever going to love or want me because nobody wants someone with a disability. How do I move on? I just feel ugly and unwanted.
The Oracle replies:
I don't really subscribe to the theory of someone being out of your league. Anyone who thinks they're "punching above their weight" or "did well" is usually referring to aesthetics and attraction isn't always just about the physical.
I also think that - thankfully - there are people in this world who see inner beauty rather than the facade.
The world is full of people and of course not everyone we fall for is going to feel the same. Love isn't always reciprocal but it's worth finding out.
Personally, I don't believe in "the one". There's someone for everyone. I actually think it's possible to have more than one someone for everyone. Whether it's Ms./Mr. Right or Ms./Mr. Right Now, it's a journey so enjoy the ride.
If you like this guy, make friends with him (if you're not already), get to know him, be yourself and try to put your differences out of your mind.
We're all unique regardless of how that manifests itself. Embrace your differences. Work on your self-esteem and what you feel you have to offer. Focus on the positive because one thing I can almost guarantee, negativity isn't attractive to anyone - hot sporty boy or not.
Once you feel good about who you are, anyone will be lucky to be with you. Good luck, Laine.
Over to you.
I understand how crushing on someone feels. You want to be everything he/she wants. And more than often , you're not exactly. It is both a gift and a curse to develop feelings for someone. A gift because it gives us a sense of being alive and humane , someone to look forward to seeing everyday, and a curse because it hurts not having your feelings returned. I'm deeply sorry about your condition ,but I'm not sorry about the way you feel about yourself, because it's plain wrong to think of yourself that way. What you need now , than more negativity , is a positive outlook in life , and confidence. I believe if you're a genuinely nice person , you can melt even the toughest hearts, no matter your disabilities. Be patient , and also know that there is always good in the bad. Thomas.
A handicap/disorder does limit you in some situations, that's correct, but it doesn't limit you in love at all. Myself, for example, I have autism. Though I have friends and an almost-relationship (long story).
What I'm trying to say is that a handicap/disorder has nothing to do with true love (wow, Coldplay again). If you really love him, you must go for it.
I'm not gonna tell you I'm sorry or things like that, even though I really am, but I'm sure you've heard it thousand times in your life and it didn't help you at all. The only thing I'd like to tell you is that simply everything in your life is up to you, no matter what. I understand that life is not fair, we haven't been given the same chances, appearance or personalities, literally every one of us is different. And from my point of view, this is the way we should live our lives, we should use what we've been given, live according to our own rules. There is no point in comparing yourself to others, because you simply cannot be like them and if you stop for a second and think about it, you'll notice that maybe you don't even want to. We all have our own different problems which I think nobody else but us can handle. Make the most of what you've been given, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, it's only up to us what we're gonna let the world see. I think you feel depressed, ugly and unwanted mostly because you see yourself this way. The tricky thing about love is that you always need to love yourself before entering anybody's heart and mind. Discover the strengths you're hiding from the world to be able to fight your daemons. And to that sportsman... maybe he's not only keen on sports. Aneta.
Laine, please, let me tell you one honest thing: that guy is no more than a miserable narcissus. He won't be able to love someone, because he is concentrated on himself. And you put yourself down setting this man like an icon, an idol. The pure natural beauty is designed inside the soul, not in the outer look. But nevertheless, I imagine you like a beautiful girl with warm heart. You deserve someone who can carry you through the long-long life. Only real love is a reason for us to help with the hardest problem ever to the person you shared your heart with. You should wait. Somewhere in the world there is a soul which is your nearest and dearest person. All the Nature's laws pronounce that two souls existing for each other finally come together. When someone will fall in love with you as deeply as Space is, he will accept everything. And what will be your cerebral palsy? Nothing. When you love someone, everything bad fades away. And the world around freezes. Only you both breathe and keep moving. And your hearts are beating like one. That's what is waiting for you right now. Believe me and be strong, little Laine. With huge hugs and many tons of support, Andy. Odessa, Ukraine.
Love has nothing to see with sharing sports and physical attraction... Love is something that belong to our soul.
You are right to be depressed as what you see around you is only exteriority, I am depressed too about it.But there is a positive point about your disability, this will make you to attract only people who care about your interiority and it will avoid you loosing time to misinterpreting love, as happen to the others.
Sure that one day you will find your half soul in the right person, no matter who he is and what he does because he will accept, without any trouble, how special you areÂ and together you will share the real love. Unknown.
PS: I love a man who is not physically here anymore, but thisÂ has not changed our love.
I think you are in very bad trouble but, you shouldn't worry. I was in same things with you. I understand your feelings. You have 2 ways for the future.
First Way; "Show Him How Much You Love Him"
Look for chance how can you show him because, Everybody loves interest and love so, if you love him your league and beauty isn't important. You are equal with him. Don't think he is better than you OK?Â
Second Way; "Love Other Guy"
Find yourÂ equivalent boy and deal so much to love him. Dream so many good moments with him, you will be lover. This way is easy and you will feel least hurts.
If you ask "Which way did you do?". Before I tried First Way but I failed :-). After I tried Second Way andÂ I succeeded. I have new now and I am very happy.
I hope you will succeed with First Way. If you fail and looking for last hope, listen Death and All His Friends and find that. Bigo.
You are just as beautiful and important in this world as everyone else. Go ahead and talk to this boy! Get to know him, find some mutual interests, and become his friend. You never know what could happen from there unless you try. You may either discover that you have chemistry together or realize he is not as awesome of a guy as you thought he was. Do not get too down if it doesn't work out. It definitely doesn't mean you will never find someone. There are lots of guys out there who would feel lucky to love you. Your disability doesn't define you. You are a person, just like everyone else, made up of many different flaws and strengths that all together create something beautiful. Any good person knows that and will appreciate you for who you really are. Also, if you haven't already, I recommend you read the popular poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann. Wishing you all the best! Alex, Canada.
Sorry to hear that you are not in a good frame of mind.Â
It seems that you are challenged with a disease that you don't have any control over. That being said, aren't you judging others before they even meet you or get to know you better?
I am sure that you have incredible talents, strengths and interests. What are they? What do you do that is amazing? Share these with people. You want strangers to find a common thread in you, share it. I know it's hard when you are self conscious. Try to be brave and take a baby step. You don't know much about the "crush" guy and you might be surprised to find that he's not as superficial as you might think him to be. Take a leap of faith, you never know till you try.
Do something that surprises yourself. Do something that scares you just a bit.
You might be really surprised at the result. You will find someone who will love you with an open heart and will notice your heart, your mind, your personality not your disabilities.
Don't give up hope, channel your energies. Maybe drop "crush" guy, a card with a note in the mail.
As for your broken heart right now, seek out some unconditional love.
If you have a pet, they'll heal part of your heart and spirit.
You are not alone. Everyone has challenges, some you can easily see, and some you can't.
Wishing you all the best. Be brave. Find hope. Be well. Julie.
I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling. However, I think you should understand that if someone doesn't love you for who you are, including your disability, then they don't deserve love you at all. I'm sorry that you might not have a chance with this guy, but I promise that there is someone who will love you for who you are. They will love you for yourself, even if it's not this guy. If you want to get over this guy, just stop thinking about him, and it will get easier. Love, Claire, USA.
You are not disabled. You are differently abled. There is a huge difference.
We put people into "leagues". You have to realize that people see us much differently than we see ourselves.
We are our own worst enemies when it comes to seeing our own value and worth.
You have strengths and weaknesses. So does he.
Instead of looking to what you may not be able to do, you need to focus on what you can do and do that.
Love is accepting. If it's not this guy, it will be another. You need to FLY. (First love yourself). Surround yourself with your friends and family. Join teams or groups doing the things that you love. Feel good about the abilities you do have and once you are feeling good, you will trip right over love.
Best regards, Tan.
Nobody perfect in this world. Even me or The Oracle who knows everything (I think I'm wrong, might be). So, let me tell you something about your problem. Well, I felt that everyday with my crush. And I always tell to myself HE NEVER LIKE YOU, FORGET ABOUT HIM' . One day I watched a movie from Thailand. Which the story is kinda same with my story.Â A girl who looks disability love a boy who plays soccers who is very handsome. The girl always tried to make a boy loves her until the girl want to tell the about her feeling but he already belongs to someone else. But we can see in the end of story that the truth is the boy is already in love with the girl before she make impress him. So, maybe it's gonna be your story.Â Don't ever stop to love him and be who you are andÂ don't be afraid. Because I know even IÂ can't see you right now I know that you are beautiful and everybody want to be around with a beautiful girl like you.
Your situation, Laine, is so sad to read, mainly because you feel "ugly and unwanted" due to circumstances beyond your control.Â I'm sure dealing with any kind of physical condition such as yours will be a lifelong struggle, but the first thing you should recognize is that your impairment doesn't - and shouldn't - define YOU as a person. Don't assume anything, about anyone else, either. Allow the young man to get to know you and take it from there. Unfortunately, you will meet some people who find it hard to deal with your condition, but until you allow them to get to know you, there will never be a chance for anyone to like you - or even love you - for yourself.Â Aren't we all different in one way or another?
I'm hoping you will speak to the people whoÂ monitor your physical disabilities, be it your family, close friends, physicians. If not themselves, they can surely guide you to a professional who can address your emotional troubles. Everyone has an inner beauty - allow it to shine through! You are not uglyÂ - just lacking in confidence and the needed ability to handle social encounters. I know your beauty is just waitingÂ to shine through, so give it a chance.
Look, to tell you the truth, it doesn't matter if you're noticeably different. Every girl has felt ugly and unwanted at least once in her life. If you weren't as you are, you'd probably have issues with the way you look, or things you say, or anything else !
About this guy - how well do you know him ? You know, a guy is human after all - he will fall in love with a girl he feels good around etc. Keep in mind that relationships never rely on appearances, but on personality! In other words, my advice to you is : keep your faith. You will find somebody worthy of your love, who will love your "differences" and everything else about you. But what's really important is that you find the strength to love yourself, because if you don't, how do you expect someone else to ?
Hope you'll find your prince charming.
Lovely One.... 'It's not what you are that holds you back; it's what you think you're not'. D. Waitley. I do not know a Soul that hasn't felt the heart break of a crush. The search for love is timeless; just look at the amount of dating sites and people trying to find that special someone. The secret is... to first find yourself.Â Loving yourself and getting to know who you are; your talents, gifts, and what you have to bring to this world is the best place to start.Â As your self-confidence grows your sparkle and beauty will radiate out and that will attract the right person for you.
I work with a man that has cerebral palsy, it is severe. I watch him walk a long hallway to get to his office and see him some times have to use his hands to push on the back of his legs to get his stride going. He is different - he is astounding! I tell you this not as some kind of dramatic comparison - I tell you this because he has a beautiful wife, adorable kids, and humble yet confident aura about him. It is who you are, not how you walk or talk, that is important.Â Do not settle or put restriction on what is possible for your life. There is someone out there that is meant just for you.Â There is someone that will look at you and see A Sky Full of Stars.
Be Well-Be Blessed-Be Yourself (everyone else is already taken). Cheers to you, Dani USA.
The first thing that jumped out at me while reading your post was the term "he's so out of my league". While this guy may be active in sports that you are not, this does not put him in a place above you. Dear Laine, though we have never met, I know there is more to you than your disability! What is in your mind and heart is what matters. Now I know our society puts great value in our looks (I get this, I am a middle aged woman!), but I would like you to focus on all the things that you love about yourself, and your uniqueness, and your special qualities that make you you. Remember, there is only one Laine in the world! Don't be hard on yourself. I know the feeling of waking up some days and feeling ugly and insecure. We all have those days. But what gets me through is knowing there is no one out there exactly like me, so I'm going to be the best version of myself that I can be. Best of luck to you Laine. I am rooting for you!
Christine from Tracy, California.
I realize that your situation maybe a little bit different, but I am going to give you the same advice that I give anyone who feels alone or unloved.
Many of us have at one time or another felt unloved, alone or loved another that does not love us. So many times we are told that we will find someone, and just to be patient and wait for it. But maybe we need to re-program how we think about romantic love.
Don't wait for someone to love you. Learn to love yourself. Fill your life with family, friends and things that you love to do and are passionate about. Then, if someone does come along and you fall in love... they will become a part of your happy life and not your whole life that your happiness is dependent upon.
I did a little research and found an article that I think that you would give you some hope. Here is the link. I really like the part called "star-crossed lovers".
Have hope, Dawn.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.