June 20, 2014 - submitted by Leandro, Philippines
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #173
I would just like to ask a question about something. So, I am Leandro, 18 years of age, and I've been having problems lately. Well, family wise, we're all fine. But, love... love's just... I don't know... tormenting.
Anyway, here's the question, do you think people deserve a second chance? I have sinned, yes. I cheated on someone. I failed to keep promises. I just can't believe that I, myself, was able to pull that off, and I regret whatever I've done with all of my heart.
But then whenever it's time for me to move on, and find someone to love, why is it that this feeling of guilt? This very feeling from the start of my road down to hell... Why do I always feel it? Why does it pull me down all of the time? I don't know what to do. Have I forgiven myself as well? I can't answer all of this.
The Oracle replies:
Stop being so hard on yourself, Leandro. It's obvious you regret your actions so it's time to put it behind you and move on.
There is no point sabotaging every future chance of happiness because of a mistake you made. The only thing you need to do is not repeat that mistake and learn from it.
Your actions have made you unhappy and I think you have learned a hard lesson but there is no need to keep punishing yourself.
You're human and temptations will come your way but you have the choice to give in to them or not, so choose not to. Give yourself the second chance - you have proved you deserve it.
Over to you.
Since you're from the Philippines I'm going to assume you're Christian. Anyone can change. Just have faith. No matter how far you've gone astray. Whatever you've done that you regret. Ask for forgiveness from those you've harmed and from God. Also, if you can, undo the wrong you've done. Don't forget that you've already changed a lot. Admitting your sins is a big step towards repentance. I've been to the Philippines and learned bisaya and some tagalog. Ang diyos magmamahal sayo! Ingat!
Yes, everyone deserves a second chance. Nobody's perfect; we've all sinned and we are all unperfect. If you've sinned, wouldn't you want a second chance? To redeem yourself and to prove that you are worth something? Everyone has a place and everyone is loved, even if they do or do not know it. Love is a strange thing. Everyone longs for it and are willing to sacrifice anything for it. When we break other people's hearts or they break ours, we have that feeling of doubt or guilt in ourselves that we could've given the other person better and that we could've proven to them that we were the ones for them. Besides, everyone has their heart torn apart. They are just one less broken heart away from happiness and true love.
There are different stages of love from just liking someone to be willing to sacrifice everything (even your life) for that one special person. That's true love. You must feel sad because lost a piece of your heart, but it will be fixed by that special person who's waiting out there for you.
My advice to you would be to stop being guilty for things in life that you can't control and start focusing on the good things in life. True love is out there for you. You can change your perspective on life. You may not be able to fix your mistakes, but you can remember them for next time.
Good luck! Hope.
Our one true choice is to plunge into the mystery of that uncontrollable force.
We could say: 'I've suffered greatly before and I know that this won't last either,' and thus drive Love from our door, but if we did that we would become dead to life.
We love because Love sets us free.
We don't close our eyes to the Universe and then complain: 'It's dark.' We keep our eyes wide open, knowing that the light could lead us to do undreamed-of things. That is all part of love.
Love is only a word, until we decide to let it possess us with all its force.
Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.
Don't give up. Remember, it's always the last key on the key ring that opens the door. Penelope.
What I always thought in situations like this is that sometimes to heal, you have to go through hell. Yes, it was a shameful thing that you cheated and broke promises, and it is good that you realized that what you did is wrong, but you I would think if you want to stop feeling guilty, you should do something good to balance out the bad. Have you apologized to the girl you cheated on? That would be a great start, so you can try to build back burned bridges. If you have already done that, nothing is better than trying to help others. Do some charity work, help out a neighbor, donate money or time for a good cause, because nothing feels better than doing something good for others. And from the sound of it, you seem like a great guy, you have just made a few mistakes, and you have realized they are wrong and want to fix them, which is amazing. Some people, no matter how obvious it is, will sometimes never admit they were wrong about something, so in my opinion, I think you do deserve a second chance, and hopefully God will give you one. You do not have to take my advice but I would really hope you would at least listen because I think it will help. Good luck to you Leandro, and Salaam, which means peace in Arabic. Catherine.
You ask yourself if you have forgiven yourself. I don't think you have. If you still have contact with the person that you had cheated on I should recommend you to tell this person how you feel and ask if this person can forgive you and let you move on. If the answer is yes I think that you can forgive yourself. You say that you regret this with all your heart and if you do you absolutely deserve a second chance. I have also asked my Tarotcards for an advise and the card I took says: "A significant relationship is on your mind. It may be romantic in nature, or it may be an intimate but platonic friendship. Communication is key right now, and it's important to develop trust within the relationship. You can safely share your feelings with someone close to you". The name of the card is "The Lovers". Good luck! Love, Ann-Sofie, from Sweden.
Love should never be tormenting and full of pain. Guilt is an emotion that's associated with act of manipulation. The fact that you are seeking advice and feeling tormented leads me to believe that you are on the receiving end. Manipulators don't leave (maybe threaten to leave), but you have to disconnect from them because they are like parasites sucking the life force from you body.
We all make mistakes. It's how we grow and evolve. But the manipulator, they are skilled in learning every mistake you've ever made which becomes their shield for when they wrong you. You begin to self-reflect and give them the benefit of doubt by which you project your own values and morality on to them. Cheaters, Con-men, abusers etc. would do less damage if people asked themselves the right questions when deciding if someone deserves a second chance.
True or False 1. This person inspires me to be a better version of myself. 2.When they are angry, I still see the person that loves me and not another person I don't recognize. 3. They treat all people the same despite their class, religion, race etc. 4. I never have doubts about their love for me. If you can't answer true to all of these questions, my advice is to RUN. Then, figure out why you are attracting these types. Be Well, Leandro. DH.
I'm sorry for your pain. Yes people deserve a second chance. That's the beauty of forgiveness. Whether forgiving someone else or forgiving yourself, while counter-intuitive, by sincerely doing so, you free yourself and the person you are forgiving.
Of course if someone habitually wrongs another, who repeatedly forgives him / her, then this is different. Or, if someone habitually takes advantage of other kinder or more vulnerable characters, who each in turn tend to forgive before he / she moves on to the next person, then this again, is different.
Guilt can be a useless erosive emotion if triggered by outdated ethics like say, no sex before marriage (something once sensible before contraceptives). However it can also be useful, like all emotions can be, at drawing attention to an area of one's life that needs to be examined and constructively adjusted.
I don't know where you fit on these points, as I don't know you. You will know though.
The worst lies are the lies to one's self. Be sure to be honest with yourself and you will know where you are and then, you will know which direction is forwards. James.
Leandro, to answer your question, here's my reply: every people deserve a second chance. It took me a while to realise it too. I do understand the guilty feeling that you are talking about. I once had a 4 years relationship with someone that I really loved, until I went to another country to study and we had a lot of fight and every single day the guilt feeling tortured me, saying that I'm not good enough and many more. At one point I decided to quit the relationship and just let life in. Then, from that, I learned a lot. I learned how to see the world in a different perspective, I appreciate myself, my family and my friends who are there and always support me, I'm being thankful for everything. Then, a new love comes along. A new opportunity open for me and I try as much as possible to embrace it. Here's my suggestions to you: let life in. Be thankful for everything. You have to stop for a second thinking about whether there's a second chance or not, about your guilty feeling and spend your time with people who are always there for you. Appreciate them, appreciate your good and bad. Listen to Ghost Stories (it helped me a lot), then I'm sure sooner or later you will find love again. Yesy.
We all make mistakes in life. What is important is that we learn from them so that we grow and do not repeat the same mistakes again. You feel shame now for having cheated on someone that you loved and did not want to hurt. Here's what I suggest to help you move on and forgive yourself.
First, try to apologize in person. (If this is not possible, do it in writing with a letter or email). Take full responsibility for what you have done, say you are sorry for causing them pain, and ask for forgiveness. You cannot control how the person will respond, and you need to accept that response whatever it is. You may be forgiven or never forgiven, but let that person know that this was in no way their fault.
Second, give yourself some perspective. Ask yourself why you chose to cheat. Try to write down how you were feeling before, during, and after you cheated. Be honest with yourself and do not make excuses for what you did. Hopefully, by getting a better understanding of yourself, you will be able to see warning signs in the future and avoid making the same mistake.
Lastly, release your pain, guilt, and suffering. Forgive yourself, but never forget what you have learned from this experience. Feel confident that you will not hurt another person this way again. You have a kind heart, Leandro, and will share love again.
Best of luck to you! Tracey.
Feeling guilty is a good sign. It means you are an honest person. Always keep that in mind.
Well, if you want to get rid of feeling guilty, you have to ask the persons you cheated and you lied to to forgive you. If you are honest, they will do that. After that you'll feel much better, believe me. When you feel better, you will find someone you can love without feeling guilty.
We all make mistakes and when we do, we must learn from them. And the first part of learning from our mistakes is accepting we made one. Your mistake was cheating on someone you loved. You have accepted it and have since been living with the guilt of it. The next part is for you to forgive yourself. Without doing so, the guilt that is eating you up, will never go away. We cannot live in the past or in the future. We can only live in the present. Learn from the mistakes of your past. Let it guide your present. Forgive yourself and move forward.
Love is as easy or as difficult as we believe it to be. It is like a puzzle. For some the pieces come together so easily and naturally that we can call it magic. For others, it is like a complex process of finding the right pieces to go in the right places without much luck. The comfort is in knowing that the right pieces exist and it will reveal itself sooner or later.
There's a life full of experiences ahead of you. Let not your fears and your guilt take away from you the life that you can live and all the love that you can give.
Everyone deserves a second chance and it sounds like you truly regret what happened. You can't keep blaming yourself forever. It happened and you can't turn back time. All you can do is move on. Have you ever told the person you cheated on that you're sorry? Maybe that will help give you some closure. And most important of all: Don't ever cheat on anyone again! Good luck, Amanda.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.