May 30, 2014 - submitted by Bradley, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #170
I have had an absolutely wonderful experience sending in answers for Team Oracle, and it's something that I am very thankful to have been a part of, but now I come to you with a problem that has really affected my life. Back in December of 2013, I told my best friend that I was in love with her, because she was dating my other best friend. He was present when I told her.
You see, I told them because I had been hiding these feelings for two years, which had put me in a deep depression, and it hurt them seeing me like that, and I didn't want my problems to get in their way, so I had to tell them to fly on without me.
It's been six months since that happened, and so much has changed in my life leaving me at the lowest I've ever been. I took the previous semester off from school to try and get myself where I need to be, and I cannot fix things with my friends.
She refuses to speak to me, and I can't look him in the eye knowing I hurt her. They have written me out of their lives.
I thought I was ready to move on, but now as I'm getting ready to move back out and back to school, I've fallen apart completely. I've lost all of the confidence I've had to build up in the past six months in a matter of days, I'm horribly insecure, and I'm very anxious all of the time. I hate myself for running off my best friends, and I'm afraid that if I somehow manage to find new friends, I'll run them off too.
I have absolutely no idea how to try to put things back together. Any help or insight would be extremely valuable right now. Thank you for everything.
The Oracle replies:
Firstly, I want to thank you for all the help you have offered to others in the Team Oracle feature. I hope we can now offer support to you in your time of need.
Usually when you hear about love confessionals, they're done to the object of one's affection. I think it's brave to confront your feelings as you did in this way. You didn't do anything behind anyone's back; you were simply honest with both of your friends. I know it doesn't feel like it now because you're hurting but you must have been feeling so conflicted hiding your feelings that it will get better.
At least by putting your cards on the table and opening up, you all know where you stand. Right now they may still be feeling uncomfortable and not how to treat you in this situation. Perhaps they don't want to rub your nose in it. Maybe they just need longer to adjust. Perhaps they're trying to protect you by distancing themselves. I'd hope that's the case but if it isn't, you did what you felt was right and if they really can't accept that then I'd argue they're not really friends at all. That said, being around someone you love when they're with someone else is very hard. Why would you want to put yourself through that just now.
What you need to do is focus on putting this behind you rather than putting it right.
I suggest you look into coping strategies for your anxiety. Don't try to rush it, take small, manageable steps.
When you're back at school, hold your head up high knowing you're a good person with a good heart. We all know that from your Team Oracle answers so I'm sure others see that too.
Don't be too hard on yourself, Bradley. You WILL make new friends and they'll be luck to have you.
Over to you.
I'm so sorry for the terrible situation you're in! You've taken a very brave decision when you decided to open your heart to your best friends and I honestly don't now how you've been able to keep those feelings inside for two whole years. But I also think that it's not fair how your friends have treated you, because, even in such an uncomfortable situation, a good friend would have been able to forgive you. So, I believe that the time has come for you to go on. I really hope you can leave the past behind and try to make new friends, without thinking that you will run them off too, because if you keep thinking this way you will never find a way out, which you have to do instead! I understand that in this moment you're afraid of making new friends as you don't want to disappoint people anymore, but life is about relationships and dealing with people, even if sometimes it seems the hardest thing to do. I'm sure you will be able to overcome this period of your life! I wish you the best. Ilaria.
Do you know anyone that has been through a similar situation? You could talk to them and find out how they got through it. If you don't know anyone, you could watch a movie or read a book about someone that was in a similar situation.
A good movie would be Bridge to Terabithia. It's about a guy that lost a friend and learned to move on. You can really put yourself in his shoes and feel empathy for his loss. While your still in his shoes the movie will help you get through it like he did in the movie.
I know Bridge to Terabithia is about death and your story is about just being left behind, but you can make enough connections for it to help. Eric.
I know what you're going through. A couple years ago I had these really good friends. We were close. Then something happened and I haven't talked to them since. How I delt with it was I had gotten in to a new school,
The year started and I didn't know the place. A really nice kid who had started going there a few years before took me under his wing. We became good friends and I almost forgot about my old friends. Don't worry I'm sure you'll find new friends. Remember: No matter what happens in life look on the positive side. Good luck. Hailey.
I know what it's like to have lost friends like that. I'm currently in a rut with now a former friend of mine because of the same guy we like. I backed off because of being a good friend, and she didn't tell me they were going out until I found out from another friend. There were some other issues that also starting to distance our relationship and this added another level, so we are no longer on speaking terms.
I think that it was brave of you to confess to the both of them about your feelings. It is very sad that they, instead of looking at it as a way understanding why were you depressed and as a sign of respect and honesty in your friendship with them, just turned a blind eye to you. They are not really true friends of yours if they did that and do not support you. It may be hard, but a fresh new start is the best way to go. Try something new, like a different hobby or a fashion style. Do not be afraid to do so because it is important to see these kinds of obstacles are reflections to make you a better person. For me, I understood that friends come and go and regardless of the circumstances, you cannot stop such things. Embrace your life and friends as they come and go, just remember the good and reflect upon the bad. MeiT. USA.
I'm pretty much sure your means are you were trying to be honest to her and your best friend as well. That's one good point, you have to be true to yourself and others, you did the right thing. But, even the smallest action have its own result. You don't have to be sad because they written you out of their lives, you can do good things to make them accept you again, and as time goes by, they will learn to forgive you. Be happy and carry on.
Wow. Let me just say that you've been through a lot. Much more than I think we expect to ever go through in our lives - and you're doing okay. It's hard; I know what you're feeling and the pressure and the helplessness you can be feeling is immense. Nobody can judge you for being honest and though maybe what happened was a little bad, it's a little good too. I think the best thing for you to do is to find someone close to you and let it all out - tell them why you're anxious and what happened. Although it might be tough to share these things with people close to you, it's better in the long run. Make sure this person is someone you trust and love, that way they have your back and with either catch you if you fall or support you while you battle on. I think you should lighten up on yourself - I know that it's easier said than done but you're a beautiful person no matter what you think of yourself. If you can be happy with yourself, even for just a little while, people can be happy with you too. You were a good friend, and told the truth - just like friends should and perhaps the pair were not as 'best' as you think. You're a good person and deserving of better friends, just remember; your heart is beating and the world is alive - be aware of the little things. Good luck. Paige.
Your question really touched my soul. Here is what I think:
you were very courageous to tell them your feelings. Even if they actually decided to keep you out of their lives, you made the right choice. Because this is feelings. You can't control them, and maybe your friends are keeping you away so they don't hurt you. Now, just move back to school. You ARE courageous, you proved it, and so you won't run off new friends. You're someone true-hearted, and everything will be fine.
Finally, don't worry about the future, Don't Panic, this is the best advice I can tell you. Your friends will be there for you when you'll need them, they aren't your best friends for nothing. Maybe they're simply waiting for you.
I hope I helped you,
When grieving the loss of a friendship, especially if you blame yourself for them no longer being in your life, it's painful, and there is a natural tendency to want to go in hiding or try to anesthetize your pain with food, alcohol or other harmful behavior.
It took guts to come clean about your feelings and taking risks aren't easy, so you deserve some major credit on that front. However, if you don't let go of people who let go of you, you can't make room for new friendships and new love. The origin of your insecurities and anxiety may stem closer to home from family relationships which may be manifesting negatively in your extended relationships.
I would encourage you to do two things. When you go back to school, connect with your counseling support services center to help you identify the root cause of your insecurities/anxiety. Until you can view yourself the way you want others to see you, you will have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Secondly, volunteer with an organization using the compassion you have shown to Team Oracle. Helping someones less fortunate than yourself is the best medicine for helping to heal yourself. Be well Bradley. DH.
Relationships are tough to build; harder still to maintain. And honesty is of paramount importance in any relationship. You were honest about your feelings and how it was affecting you and your relationship with both your friends. You were not wrong in doing so. Lying and pretending that everything was fine would have been far worse.
You have done your part by being honest and open about what troubled you. If they truly are your friends they should have at least understood the predicament you were in and realized how hard it was for you. You can only try and tell them why you did what you did. Even after this, if things do not change then you need to let go.
When something affects not just the way you feel but the way you function, you have to seriously evaluate your life. You need to be 'the core' of your own life. Without you everything else will fall apart. Your life cannot revolve around someone else. Understand that everyone else is a part of your life. Trust that in time, the right set of people will surely be drawn to you.
Our lives are a series of choices and the priorities we choose to give to certain aspects of life. You have your dreams and a whole lot of life ahead of you. Follow the light inside you and know that you'll get through this too.
"Leave a light on".
First and foremost, I have to say that what you did, in my opinion, was amazing. It was incredibly courageous, and despite the fallout from the event, you should be proud that you were so truthful both to your friends and, most importantly, to yourself.
I personally think that it is a real shame that neither of these individuals talk to you any longer. You have been hurt by an incredibly hard situation.
My advice for you now is to force yourself to get back on your feet. You feel awful, most likely heartbroken, but you cannot spend the rest of your school life feeling like this. I am 17 and also still at school.
Try and get back to acting normally. Do the things that you would have normally done before all of this happened; if some of the stuff that you would have normally done was with these two friends, try and do it with other friends. Mix with more people.
It was be incredibly hard to begin with, but you will get there.
You're not alone in this situation, Bradley.
Best of luck, Orla x
The story of loss you have told is indeed a sad one and I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time, yet grateful for you sharing it with the Oracle.
I believe the answer to your question is that you seek to gain insight and understanding of what happened, rather than anyone else.
Chris Martin asked himself this very question in a recent interview, around the album Ghost Stories.
"How do you let the things that happen to you in the past - your ghosts - how do you let them affect your present and your future?" & "if you sit with your experiences and the things you've been through, they alchemize."
I invite you Bradley to sit with your experience, with compassion, and trust that your answers will eventually come. Allow your 'inner guide' to seek the insight you are looking for, whilst understanding You are the best friend you will ever have.
To arrive at your own clarity, rather than someone else's, will then resolve your feelings of insecurity and anxiety.
Go well. Steve.
I know there's nothing any of us can say that will take away the pain you're feeling. Know that it's okay (and part of the healing process) to allow yourself to fully feel the hurt and sadness. Let it move through you and crack open any barriers you've placed around your heart. This is how the light gets in.
You deserve to "fly on", just as you wish for your friends. You are so much stronger than you may believe right now. "Speak your truth, even when your voice shakes." Your courage to let honesty take center stage is remarkable, even with the pain that followed. This is the process of true inner transformation. The extent of joy we experience is in direct proportion to the extent we're willing to sit with the pain, and allow it to flow through us. We cannot have one without the other. It is all a beautiful part of this journey of life.
I admire your courage, honesty, and willingness to open up to guidance and support. Know that you are loved, and are never alone. Alia I. USA.
First of all, you did the right thing by telling them. You were only being honest about your feelings, and their is nothing wrong with that. They should not have written you out of their lives - they were you're friends and they should have tried to help you get over her.
Don't worry about your confidence. It might take a year, it might take a week, but it will return. The only thing you can do now is not be so hard on yourself. They were your friends and you told them what was wrong with you. Also, as long as you never tried to make this friend cheat on her boyfriend then you are blameless and there is nothing wrong in what you did.
Finally, you need to learn to trust yourself. You were being honest. People won't judge you for that. You will find new friends, and you will not run them off. If these two friends of yours rejected you like this, then they don't deserve to be your friends. You need to believe that everything will come together. It won't be easy, but it won't be fruitless. If you have done mistakes, learn from them, but don't beat yourself up over them; everyone does mistakes. Just trust yourself, and it will be ok. Much love and I hope everything goes well for you. Emily.
Honestly best friends are going to come and go. If they truly are your best friends they should try to understand where you're coming from, if they can't do that they either just need more time or they aren't really as great friends as you think.
I've had a similar thing happen to me where my best friend completely out of nowhere stopped talking to me (I found out later it was because her boyfriend was jealous of our group of friends). I was devastated at first, I never thought I would be able to find a friend as awesome as her (oh how wrong I was). And like you I thought that if I did find another friend I would just make them leave me too (I was wrong once again). Now I have some really amazing people in my life that help me and understand me and truly care about me. So don't be in a rush about getting it solved it takes time to get to know people who really are amazing.
Don't beat yourself up for saying how you feel, you have every right to feel it and every right to say it especially if it is hurting you not saying it. Just try to focus on good things and do good things and you will feel much better. Sofia.
First of all a hug for bravery, it takes courage to talk about all this and put it all out there. That is the first step to coping with this. The second depends much on you. Clearly you need some help to deal with this, and to realize that not all your friendships will end in disaster. We make many friends in the course of our lifetime, and you will too.
You were in an impossible situation with no way to please anyone, you did what you thought was best. No regrets. Now mentally you are paying the price. It will get better. You may need to get some help, talk to a counselor or other professional, because you sound like this is maybe a major depression. You would do well not to ignore it because you need to get better for yourself first and because you have a whole life left to live, and many more lasting friendships to make. Take care, Laurie.
First of all allow me to offer some form of sympathy for your situation. It sounds like an incredibly tough thing to have to go through, and to lose two great friends through the process can't have been easy. Unfortunately, you can't change how your friends feel about this awkward situation, but I think it was incredibly brave of you to tell them, rather than stewing in your own depression which could well have lead you down an even darker path. Perhaps with time they will be able to forgive you. I don't think you've done anything wrong here. You can't control who you love, and it wouldn't have been fair on them or you to have gone through life hiding your feelings, especially when they may well have emerged further down the line causing more damage.
I think your best course of action now (easier said than done, I know) is to get back to school and finish what you started. Try to put the past behind you and focus on the future. Yes it might be awkward to be around mutual friends, yes you may even bump into your friends at times, and yes it absolutely will be painful if you have to see them together. As much as it hurts to lose these friends, perhaps it will be good in the short-term while you deal with these unrequited feelings, but try to shift your efforts into your work, or a hobby, or whatever else takes your mind off these things. Speaking from experience of unrequited love in close quarters, it may feel like you'll never love again and can't deal with seeing these people happy, but just when you think it will never end, it does. One day you're going to wake up and feel just a little bit less sad about the whole situation. And then a couple of weeks later you'll feel less sad again. And then after time, it won't hurt quite as much and you'll wonder why you ever had such a huge problem with it. It's funny, but trust me, that's how time works. But time takes time. Nobody said it was easy, as a famous songsmith once crooned, but dig in and focus on the rest of your life and I promise you, this will pass.
Good luck & God bless. Peanut, UK.
I'm afraid I have to confront you with this: that it probably has no sense to try them make your friends again. And that's not your fault, it's theirs. Knowing someone is in love with your girlfriend is no reason to ignore him. Accept you have no reason to miss them.
Now we arrive at the second thing: finding new friends. Well, try to remember how you met them and how you made friendship with them. Those will also work with other people, it's just how humans work. If you don't remember, here is some advice: join a sportclub or something like that. There you'll find people with the same interests. Be nice, and you'll find someone (or some guys) who like you. Isabelle.
I think the best you can do right now is focus on yourself. Confidence is not achieved overnight, and it seems to me like you need to be making some changes. First of all, don't blame yourself for what's happening; you fell in love and that is something no one on earth is able to control. Then, try to see the situation differently; you are guilty of nothing, therefore you should not blame yourself for what is happening. I think it's in your best interest to go and talk to your two friends, and explain the way you have been feeling. You should also know that self confidence is not achieved overnight. It takes time to win it back. Try to practice something you're good at; a sport, and art thing, whatever will make you feel better - even though it has nothing to do with the situation, it will make you feel powerful, and you might gain more strength to confront your issues. You can also talk about it to somebody - a friend, a parent (a pet?) you'd be surprised how much good this can do to you !! One last thing- keep in mind that through life, friends come and go, but best friends stick together. And even though you might be in a bad place right now, they just might get over it, and soon things will all go back to normal.
Valentine B, France.
I'm sorry you're feeling so low. What's happened between the three of you is unfortunate, but its important to remind yourself why and how it started. You opening up to them was you trying to accept the reality of what you'd been feeling for so long. It was you being vulnerable and hoping for growth in your friendship. It was you being true to yourself. That itself is incredibly brave, and I don't see how you could have done anything differently. Them not knowing the truth would have only distanced them from you anyway, so I feel you only made the best of that situation. You should accept that its not your fault and you didn't really do anything wrong, it's just something that happens in life. That being said, you'll still feel that emptiness until you find ways to fill it. You've chosen to acknowledge the darkness in your life,(taking a semester off to work on yourself), which is great because it means you are working to be in touch with your emotions. But, you have to learn to accept the light in your life as well. You have to work on knowing that you're worthy of feeling happiness, and that this isn't the end of your life, its just a chance to become a stronger person that is whole all by themselves. This will help you in future relationships. Right now you are broken, and you have to fix yourself before you can fix your friendships. I myself have also lost friends and people I love, but I've also found love in other things, even myself. There's nothing like feeling magic with another person. But you have to know there's magic within you, apart from anyone else. Be your own best friend. Hope this helps. Wish the best. Love, Darem.
First, I admire you. It took quite a bit of courage to be open and honest about how you were feeling to your two best friends. However disappointing the consequences may have been, it was the right thing to do.
I am surprised by their reactions though. I would have thought they would be more understanding.
This is one of those times when you have to realize that you have no control over how they will react. You only have control over your heart and your mind. Now, comes the time when you have to think less about the past and more about the future your future.
I think getting back into school will help you move forward. It is a positive step and will give you something more to focus on. Please remember that putting your life back together takes time and patience, but it is possible.
Since you are a Coldplay fan, perhaps you heard Chris talk about Kintsugi or Kintsukuori - the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken. As painful as the consequences have been, you know you did the right thing and that took courage. The confidence you have been building up is still there, but you also feel vulnerable and that is ok, because that honest revelation has set you free to become who you were meant to be.
Go for the gold and be well, Dawn.
First of all, I think it's very brave of you that you told them the truth about your feelings.It was the right thing to do. But it sounds to me like you did all those things for the sake of your best friends(telling them what caused you to be depressed, telling them to go on without you), which makes me wonder; what about YOU?! what about your feelings? It's really nice that you don't want to hurt your best friends feelings, but sometimes you just have to be a bit selfish and put your own needs first.Who knows maybe your best friend wants to talk to you and work things out, but is just afraid to make the first move. Try and reach out to him. If you're afraid to face him, start with a text or a phone call and see what happens from there. And if he won't talk to you: We can't help who we fall in love with and if being honest about that makes your friends write you out of their lives, you should wonder if they were ever truly your best friends to begin with. Please don't be afraid to make new friends, I'm sure there are plenty of people at your school who'd love to talk to you, if you give them a chance. You can do it! Amanda.
I would like to congratulate you for your courage, you were true to yourself and took a huge risk by telling your friend how you felt about her. I'm really sorry it hasn't worked out but don't let this stop you from being brave and sharing your beautiful soul with the world. Somewhere there is a special one for you and perhaps in time you will be able to patch things up with your friends too.
Much love, Sanet.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.