April 25, 2014 - submitted by Ann, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #165
I suppose this isn't so much a question for advice as much as it is simply looking for some sort of comfort. Oracle, have you ever lost someone who you considered a best-friend? You see a couple of years ago someone became my friend and was the first person I ever considered a true best-friend, and the first person I ever trusted. He was a year older than me and after graduating high school, left for college, never contacting me on his own afterwards. When I asked him why, he said he did so to many people, but I know he kept in touch with those he considered close friends. This has left me in a whirl of confusion, guilt and loneliness. I'm sure he thinks I am too clingy and fragile - the last time I talked to him, it seemed forced when saying he wanted to be friends. I'm a college freshman now, and as the year ends, I'm beginning to see that I haven't even made any new memories or friends because nothing can measure up to what I had with this friend.
The Oracle replies:
I have lost many friends throughout my life from primary school, secondary school, college, work and so the list goes on. Some of it was my choice, (I didn't always tell the person why), some was theirs, some moved and some just drifted away or got into relationships and left friends behind. Some were toxic, some drained me, some wronged me and some were the best friends you could wish for.
I am still making amazing friends with people I can't imagine life without but who knows?
There is saying that:
"We have three types of friends in life: Friends for a reason, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime" and once you accept that, it's easier to cherish the time you had with friends from the past but to let it go.
Don't torture yourself about why or comparing his relationship with other friends to yours.
Friends come and go and you can't make someone be friends with you. You sometimes just have to be happy with the memories & move on - even if that's not what you want.
It can hurt but you will come to accept it and make an even better best friend.
Over to you.
After reading your story, I think this is your question: How do I get friends, true friends, who see me in the same way I see them? Well, first of all, it is possible that there are people around who might have tried to start a friendship, but you just didn't see it, because you were worried about that one friend. And that's ok. That means you are one of the rare people who can feel real friendship and know what it means. I would be worried if you didn't worry about him...
Look around. Are there people in college or at work you like or trust? First, find out who your mates are. As soon as you know that, try to find out more about them, in the way they talk and act to you. When you know more about them, I think you can choose your friend(s) now.
Good luck, Isabelle.
I'm going through something similar right now! I've been trying to figure it out for a long time myself, recently things have been getting better with my old best friend and I think it's because I've been trying to ease back into the friendship with her as opposed to trying really hard all the time. If you fear he finds you clingy, I think that's the best thing to do. It does feel better knowing someone else is in the same situation as you so I do hope this helps.
Best of luck, Joe.
I read your question and I grimaced because I know exactly what this situation is like. A while back a guy moved into our area and we became the best of friends almost immediately. I mean we were practically brothers joined at the hip. Everything was fine and I was happier than I had ever been in my life. Then he moved back to his native Utah and the woes began. I remember he left halfway through my freshman year of high school and the day they left was a dark and stormy day both literally and metaphorically. I was totally depressed. He was my one friend and now he was gone. I tried all sorts of things to cheer myself up and stayed miserable for weeks. As I found in retrospect, time was the most effective healer. Coincidentally, Coldplay music was soothing balm to me while I tried to go on with my life. More friends will come and there will be others there for you eventually. I have found that when you go out on a limb to be friends to others, your own feelings of loneliness and sadness will diminish and even disappear.
With warm regards, Alex.
The first person you consider to be your 'best friend' is always going to hold important memories. You associate them with many of your early experiences in life and you trust them to value your approach to many of life's teenage trials. There is no reason for you to feel guilt as you are at a stage in life where learning through experiences with different people is vital. It can teach you who you can really put your trust in when times are hard. Clearly, both you and the friend you speak of are in a time of transition within your respective lives. As he was older, he was at the stage you find yourself at now: starting a new chapter in life full of new environments, people and places.
Going from High school to college means groups of friends splitting to go their separate ways. I doubt you were the only person he lost contact with and I'm sure he found it difficult to juggle his new college lifestyle with that of his old school life. The most important thing is to not let the experience of a best friend leaving you hold you back, but more as an opportunity to build on what you have learnt. Starting out as freshman is the chance to meet new people, many of whom may have found themselves in a similar position to yourself having also just graduated from High school. This can take time so don't panic. Struan, London, England.
Throughout our lives, we meet lots of people. Some we consider friends, some family, and some just passengers, who come and go.
If you care/d for that person when he left, and he didn't care, it's his loss. He lost a friend.
For you the Oracle advises to move on. If you didn't mater to him, why should you bother? Better find someone who deserves you. Not a passenger, but a friend. Sonai.
It's often hard to find that sort of best friend, someone whose comforting but can make you laugh like crazy, the kind of person you could spend forever with and never get bored. I've drifted through different best friends, and honestly when I've moved on I have lost them, right now there's someone whose a better friend then all my past ones and if I had clung on to them, I may have never found her!
I can see how much it would hurt for that to happen to you, because its someone you loved and thought loved you back; there's nothing to say he didn't though!
You shouldn't hold yourself back because he hurt you, and you shouldn't over-think his actions either.
He did what he did and if you managed to find a friend that you cared for that much before, sure you can find one (or some) again!
Maybe you'll decide to keep in touch with him, maybe not. But people change, and grow up; to our happiness or dismay! The best thing you can do, is be happy for him and of course be happy yourself! Make new memories with new people to, lets say, add to your collection.
There's lots of things in life that we'll never understand, but you can't let yourself hold onto the past and let it bring you down (cheesy as it may sound).
Never feel like you have to replace him, you can always remember him as the first best friend you ever had, but there's still space in your heart to find new friends and new beginnings.
It can be very painful to lose friends that you have a close relationship with. I've experienced this first hand, but I think it's all for a good reason. Certain individuals will come into your life at certain times, and some will go. I believe that everyone in our lives are meant to fulfil a purpose. Perhaps your friend was there because you needed him during that time of your life, and that time may be over now. Although it's difficult to wait for, someone new will come. There's someone out there that's meant for you, whether its love or friendship. All you have to do is be patient and open, trust me! Jeremy.
Losing a friend, even more when you know know the reason, is certainly one of the hardest things of life.
Sometimes it'll seems like the closer you get with someone, bigger are the chances of losing them. And you'll ask yourself if you are the reason...
Well, someone said to me once that no matter how close to you they happen to be, people are only passing through your life. They won't necessarily disappear, but every relationship evolves. One day you are best friends and the other acquaintances. Affection might be always there, even nostalgia for the memories you both share but it doesn't have to be sad.
Every relationship is an experience. When you meet someone and you like them, there is two options : worrying about the future of this relationship, missing it in reality. Missing the joy and the richness of it.
Or, you could embrace the experience, like trying on a new pair of sunglasses. You could keep them years, or only one summer. It doesn't mean this very summer didn't existed, with every of its memories.
So, go on ! try make some new friends and enjoy the very moment. You don't know, anyone does, what will happen tomorrow... And you can't keep people tied to a chair in your own heart. You can't make people love you, so enjoy the time they did and take every of those moments to make your life richer, bigger, full of every type of love.
This IS the purpose of life ! K.
Oh dear Ann, this is the circle of, ... What do we call it? LIFE. You must know that people comes and goes all the time, but you are the one who let them do that. Sometimes is not under your control, but it does depends on you to let them affect you. Family never leaves, but your friends may. They didn't watch you grow up, did they? But maybe they can be there for you, growing and sharing through experiences. Every time it's a new opportunity to learn something. Now all you have to do is sit tight and have a little long conversation with this guy. If he really appreciates you, he will prove it. If not, show him what he's missing and get over it. Make changes, be your best, care... Everything WILL get better; you have a long way to go. Remember that trust is a strong process to build, that's why is so important. If someone lets you down, you always have to bring the best of it, because life always leaves us with lessons. And every little thing makes you stronger, even if you feel weaker. Sometimes people give you the wrong impression, but isn't always your fault. So don't feel guilty and stop comparing those impressions with those who really want to be part of your life now. This is a chance to start all over. It IS possible. Have a lovely day, and wish you luck. Chiari M.
That's just it, sometimes we consider someone as the best, closest friend. And the time comes, the "best friend" alienates. I know this feeling, when I read your question thought of my old "best friend". Once we were very good friends, not only good but also very closest to each other, we used to talk about our favorite bands and movies, go to the school etc. And one day she started to meet me less, She was with her other new "best friends". And that time I realized that she had never been my best friend. Yes, all this time we were very good friend but a real friend never leaves you, whatever happens. Real friends stand by each other, always. That's okay and don't worry about that. Don't be sad anymore. This is the life, as usual. Of course this situation made you very sorry and you miss him, but one day you'll find your real best friend, believe that. Good luck. Oylum.
I've been through this too, actually. But it's not your fault, you see.
It's what you call a "false friend". You'll get over it and you'll will find someone just as good and have the time of your life, I promise you!
Take care. Love, Filip.
A relationship, as you know, requires two or more individuals. But having a relationship (in this case a friendship), doesn't mean you see the other one (or ones) as they see you. As there are unrequited loves, there are also unrequited friendships. Even though you see/saw him as your best friend, doesn't mean he has ever thought the same way. And the fact that he's still in touch with other friends, only proves this theory. However, if you call someone a friend and that person has closer friends, but you have no problem with that, there's no reason why the friendship wouldn't work. But you're clearly not ok with that. This means you have to move on.
Like you, I have also felt like I've lost my best friends. Some years ago, I moved from my hometown to another village, and I never talked to them again. And I really considered them my best friends. So, you're not alone. And now, I have gained other friends that are really close to me, in spite of not being with them all the time.
My point is: I believe we all have someone who is pretty much compatible with us. Maybe you haven't found them yet, maybe you already have. "Just be patient, and don't worry" - these things happen naturally; you can't force them. But if your friendship isn't working, don't let that stop you from finding someone you are able to see as a true friend. Hope I helped. Ana.
I'm sorry to hear that you lost the person you thought to be your best friend. You sound a little sad, hurt and confused and I wish I (or anyone else here) could come up with a magical solution for your troubles but I don't think there is one - heartbreak is the risk we take when we open up to friendship and love. I know that when you feel you have a special connection with someone and it's not reciprocated it hurts, it makes you feel stupid and you try to hang on... but you can't hang on to something that isn't there!
There may be a million reasons why this person has distanced himself from you and you may never know why.
So you pick yourself up take control of your life girl! You are young, healthy and beautiful, you are at college and these are supposed to be the best years of your life, and you are surrounded by people just like you - so go out there, make new friends (it's never too late), join any clubs or groups that you feel drawn to and have fun. You may not find a bestie right away but you will have fun making new friends. Life's too short to waste on someone who doesn't appreciate you. And Ann the sun will shine (again) on that heart of yours. These words helped me. All the best. M.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.