February 9, 2014 - submitted by Kassandra, Mexico
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #155
Have you ever been heartbroken? Because lately I have been. It all started when I broke up with my boyfriend/best friend (biggest mistake ever) a year ago and got consumed by a big depression (6 months).
His father sadly passed away in July, so I made a promise with myself that I would be strong for him and for me. Since then I feel a lot happier with myself. I love him, in the most-unbreakable-friendship way, but still, what should I do with my other feelings? Thanks. Kassandra.
The Oracle replies:
Yes I have been heartbroken and it's the worst pain I have ever experienced. The loss of love is like death but your ex-boyfriend is dealing with the death of his father, not the death of the relationship. You cannot fix him and therefore you may not be able to fix the relationship.
I have spoken about death & bereavement a lot over the years. I have also the experience of being with someone who lost a parent. When their parent died, a little bit of them did too and ultimately our relationship started to break down.
It's quite common and speaking to friends who have been through the same, they say that life is never the same again and felt the need to start afresh as the world they knew now didn't have that person in it. They cleared the decks and changed everything - job, accommodation, relationship.
Something absolutely dreadful has happened but he's not a victim and you're not the hero. If anyone needs saving, it's probably you from the hurt you're feeling. Who is there for you?
You don't 'have' to be strong. If you can be there as a friend to offer support & a shoulder to cry on that's commendable but if you're hoping this will lead to a reunion, you may have to step back.
You may think it was a big mistake but presumably you broke up for a reason. You didn't reconcile so maybe it was actually for the best, even though you may not see or feel that.
I hate to say this Kassandra but I don't think you are being strong for him and you. Where's the 'you' part? It sounds very much like you are putting his needs before your own. Depression is a hard condition to live with and I'm worried that you are using the saving him as masking tape for your problems. I'm hoping you are seeking help & guidance too. You need to deal with your feelings and to grieve your loss. Look after yourself.
Over to you.
If you really love him, your boyfriend, I think you should talk to him when he feels better. Tell him the truth: About your love, and about your other feelings. Don't quarrel, just talk.
I'm afraid the talk won't be nice, but after your talk, you feel much better. It really helps to talk about your feelings.
Now I have to say, that there is a chance it works out on a quarrel, and that quarrel will be worse then the talk, but in a month, maybe two, you'll also feel better.
Another chance is that he'll break walk away from you. That means he hasn't got respect for your feelings, and he doesn't deserve your trust and love. If he walks away, you must let him go, and never let him in again. That will be very hard, but then there's no reason to feel guilty.
I know exactly how you feel, if you are still in love with him then I should try to get him back. I don't know if he is still in love with you but you can find it out. Call him and ask him if he wanna go out with you because than you can find out how he feels about you. Only one thing, don't take him back if you feeling sorry for him because of his loss. Only if you got real feelings for him than go for it! I wanna wish you a lot of luck! Greets Marianne.
I'm sorry to hear about your depression and I hope you're feeling better now. You mentioned you were the one who broke up with your boyfriend, there must've been a reason for that. If that reason or any other doubt still exists, I don't think you should act on your feelings for him. If anything goes wrong, you'll risk falling into another depression and you shouldn't put yourself through that again.
But if you are sure about your feelings and if you still love him and he still loves you, then by all means go for it! Be careful and good luck. Amanda.
I believe being heartbroken is something you should embrace.I'm not saying its a good experience to feel but it does help you to feel new feelings and experience things you never experience before. To make you feel better, i believe heartbroken musicians make the best lyricist. But to be honest, I guess it shall make you bolder though. Listen to mellow songs, look at the stars, look at the moon, life is so full of wonder. Sofia.
I think the best thing to do would be to just be a friend to him for now.Sometimes that's all some people need at the moment. Support him and just get him through this tough time. Then you should be honest and tell him how you feel. Jenny.
Love has no categories. Friendship and relationship are just words. Don't get stuck on that. There's no 'other feelings'. You still able to share the love with him. Live comfortably. You said you're happier now. It's amazing that you can share your love with every pieces of your broken hearted, isn't it? So why have to confused? Past is past. Time will answer your future with him. God bless you both. J.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.