January 24, 2014 - submitted by Fer, Spain
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #153
I have been feeling like a... loser, that's the word, lately. The reason? I'm 19 and I've never kissed a girl or gone on a date with any, no question there's never been anything further than that either.
I am really self confident, and I do think I'm really good looking but there's something that stops me when it comes to girls, I don't know why.
Also, I don't know if maybe I'm waiting for a Hollywood movie kind of love/girl but those don't really exist.
What can you say about the situation in general? Any advice?
The Oracle replies:
I can understand there's a lot of pressure to have done certain things by a certain age but as it's not a competition you can't possibly be a loser ;-)
Forget what others are doing - or saying they're doing - and spend less time worrying. Worry never helps a situation. Approach this as a marathon rather than a sprint.
Youngsters are all too keen to give their love away and reach certain goals by a certain age but you've plenty of time to make sure it's the right time with the right person. Better to wait and get that right than rush into anything.
It's funny isn't it because making friends and subsequent plans with said friends doesn't seem quite so daunting yet throw in the opposite sex and attraction and fear can set in. Fear of rejection.
If there are girls you like, spend time with them and get to know them but try not to think about taking things further. Slow and steady wins the race - remember The Tortoise and the Hare? 19 may seem really late but it's not, not for you.
I knew someone who also at 19 was self-assured, good looking, popular and had many friends who were girls but hadn't had a girl friend. It was all down to a different kind of confidence. To me it seems that the confidence in every day life is separate to the one required for talking to girls. Nerves can play a part in preventing things going further.
Indeed love isn't always like a Hollywood film but when you find the right girl and the right time it may feel like one! I'm sure it will feel quite natural and just happen.
Dating is hard enough without you putting pressure on yourself. There are no rules or deadlines so don't impose any upon yourself.
Valentine's day is coming up, maybe you could ask someone out on a date and take it from there.
Over to you.
If you really want someone to share your life with, you should go to clubs or something from your hobbies. If you like reading, for example, spent some time in the library. Maybe you meet someone there. Talk with girls who appeal to you. About the book they read, or what they're searching for, something like that.
If you are nervous when you want to ask someone for a date, that's a good sign. If you just ask her for a date, I don't think she'll like that.
I'm afraid that's all the advice I, and most of the others, can give you. You can't just search love. It's chemical, it just happens.
You're not alone in this. I felt the exact same thing as you when I turned 18 last summer and asked myself if there was something wrong with me. Because boys never took any contact with me, I had never had a boyfriend. But suddenly a few weeks later I was kissing a boy on a party and at the end of the summer, after a couple times out on nightclubs I got total confidence that it was nothing wrong with me, I had just met the wrong guys before.
Also, I think maybe you and me are alike in that matter that we wait for the other one to make the first move? If I'm right I don’t know how to change that. The fear of getting turned down is the main issue.
I’ll give you one advice, and promise to be better at it myself; take contact with girls, start talking to them, say that they look nice and if they don’t respond, well then they're not good enough for you! Mainly, there will by no doubt be other people around you who has never kissed anyone just like you, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. You'll kiss someone before you know it, and with that special someone it might be a movie-like kiss?
It is really no wonder you feel as you do, we live in a world saturated by sex and love and the need to have a perfect type of love. You are probably quite shy, so you need to go at your own pace with this whole thing. You are not alone, many people are 'late bloomers' and only find love later in life. You need to figure out what is stopping you when it comes to girls. Whatever the issue is, you need to be honest with yourself. Love comes in many forms, so don't be afraid if you feel something that scares you initially. I wish you success on your journey to love and self discovery, Laurie.
Nobody's perfect. Everyone has their flaws and even the Hollywood movie girls you mentioned aren't perfect. I don't think you are a loser at all. Some people have their first kiss when they're 13, others when they're 30, so don't worry about it. You're only 19, you've still got plenty of time to go out on dates and stuff, don't rush anything. Being self confident is good, but to someone who doesn't know you it may come across like you're being selfish and egotistical. So when first approaching a girl, try to tone it down a little. Stop looking for a perfect girl who doesn't exist. You have flaws, the girl you'll fall in love with has flaws, but when you truly love each other, you'll be a perfectly happy couple. Amanda.
There is no need to feel like a loser. Maybe you are a little shy? A lot of girls don’t like to approach guys and wait for them do make the move. Sometimes, you have to wait for the right person, there is going to be one girl who grabs your attention like no other and you are going to be able to go up to her and say hello. On the plus side, it is good you are self confident which is hard to find in most people. Every one wants to have that Hollywood type of partner from the movies but I think the reason why they make the movies is because no one really gets it and basically a dream come true if it does. Movies are made to make you feel like it can be reality because some writers can even make you feel like you are in the book. One day you will find someone right for you, and they will feel like a Hollywood girl just for you. My advice to you is to never give up, there is someone for you and that someone will make you the happiest man alive. If you are shy, most girls will find it cute and attractive, just tell them before hand. If you do see a girl in the street and you think they are beautiful, give them a smile and be confident with the smile. You never know, she might smile back.
Angeline, United States Of America
Well, first of all the situation is f****d (sorry my words are too honest for any kind of websites), because I lived a life, abiding logic. Is there such thing a perfect mate for you? If there is, the world would be against it as logic suggests. I'm in love with the most perfect man for me as I suggest it myself, but hell, I am just a girl. An ordinary one I might add. Hope is a good word. Hope is a word that is misjudged most of the time. But, I do believe in hope. In general everyone has to have hope in life. Love. hope to love and being love.
I think everybody deserves his own Hollywood kind of love and hopefully will find it, in a sense of true love that makes both feel happy. Sure, if you have a list in your head of your perfect girl, what she has to look like, what her interests should be, if there’s too much prepared in your imagination, then for someone who really wanted to get to know you - it might be difficult for her to get a chance at all. So even if there is love at first sight sometimes it is not wrong to look twice. But then again don’t expect too much from any first dates, let both sides explore each other and find out successively if there can be more.
Don’t worry about your age, those who made their first experiences earlier were not always ending up as winners. Some of your friends might brag with being advanced in this issue, but usually that means they had more errors or break ups, they don’t need to be proud for that. There is no reason for you for feeling like a looser, if your heart is not ready for love, then wait. The one who is meant to be yours will love you for what you are and not for what you could be. Good luck! L.Q.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.