January 10, 2014 - submitted by Sally, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #151
I recently met a guy through my graduate program - he works at the library. We went on a couple of dates and I was impressed by his intelligence, respect for me, kindness, and the goals he has. He seems to be a responsible person, he's had this same job for almost 7 years, and he's currently pursuing his second master's degree. The problem is that I found a suspicious-looking item in my room. I found it under the place where he had been sitting. Some friends think it could be drug paraphernalia, while another trusted friend, who used to do drugs, doesn't think so. I don't remember if I found the item before or after his visit, since I initially thought it was just a piece of broken plastic. The problem is, I don't know what else it could be or where it could've come from. No one else has been in my room. When I confronted him about it, he denied everything. He looked really sad. He was patient, listened, and didn't become angry or violent. He asked what he could do to prove his innocence, that he'd like the chance to do so. I don't know what to believe.
The Oracle replies:
I'll be brutally honest with you, I think you played that all wrong. I would always approach suspicion with caution. There was no need to accuse when you could have casually shown him the plastic and asked him if he had any idea what it was - not if it was his.
If it does belong to him and fell out of his pocket for example, I wonder why he would bring it to you room and why he would deny ownership.
It might have fallen off something or been brought in on an occasion you can't recall - given you don't even know if it was before or after his visit.
The good news is this guy must really like you because he's keen to prove his innocence.
The fact you don't know what to believe either means you either have no gut feeling or you don't really trust he's telling the truth. If it's the latter you shouldn't be with him. Without trust you have nothing.
You don't know him very well yet as it's early days but the picture you have painted is of an incredible, loyal, respectful guy, not one of a liar yet you doubt him.
I'm not sure whether you're expecting him to volunteer to a lie-detector test or drugs test but what else can he do?
Here's what I suggest. Either take his word as fact and get on with getting to know him or end it. In the meantime, try to find out what this mysterious item is, that may shed more light on it.
Over to you.
This is a case for a matter of trust in my opinion. If you trust his response and that he wouldn't do anything like that, then you know your answer. If you don't trust his response, then you will know in your heart what you have to do. Good luck! Kate, U.K.
I'm sorry I have to confront you with this, but sometimes people look perfect, while they aren't. If you know your friends for a long, very long time, I think you may trust them better then your boyfriend. If you're still not sure, you should go to the police and ask what it is. But whatever you do, don't follow your boyfriend. If he really is a drug dealer, and he thinks you don't trust him or follow him, you are in danger.
Whatever you do, do it very careful.
To be honest it's indeed hard to know what's true. If you really wanna know if he's using drugs and he wanna do everything to proof he's not using it, you can ask him if he wanna do a drugs test by a doctor. Let me tell you one thing, some people said at my old job that I'm using drugs that was the reason they sent me home. I was really sad because I'm not using anything. I was thinking and going to the doctor and I ask for a drugs test. After a week the doctor call me and give me the proof that I was totally clean. So if he is really not using anything it's easy to proof it so I hope it is nothing to worry about,
Good luck. Greets Marianne.
Seeing as you only just met the guy there's no way to know if he's telling the truth or not. You simply don't know him well enough yet. My advice to you is to trust your own instincts. If you still feel something for the guy and want to get to know him better, do so. Since you can't be sure if it was him who left the drugs (if it even was drugs) there, give him the benefit of the doubt and just take things easy. If your instinct tells you something is wrong and you feel like he can't be trusted, end your contact with him. If you choose the second option: In the end it doesn't matter whether you were right or wrong about him, because you can't build a relationship based on distrust.
Good luck with your decision! Amanda.
I am touched by your story and I can definitely connect to the heart-wrenching dilemma you are in at the moment. As a young woman in her mid-twenties, I know how rare those guys are - those who keep you guessing, yet all the while show kindness and stability in a relationship. I am therefore inclined to respond by asking you a simple question:
Would finding out what the piece of plastic this guy left in your room change your opinion about him drastically - no matter what it was - drugs or perhaps a broken guitar pick ?
If your feel that he is trustworthy, then better let sleeping dogs lie as they say. If you still have doubts (after his denial and trying to prove his innocence), then perhaps you should still let it go. Here's why, and again I ask you: is the relationship worth risking while you seek the truth about this piece of plastic ? Why not give the guy a chance - listen to Chris Martin's Wedding Bells performance at Apple, you'll see what I mean. Cheers, Irina.
Do you have faith in this person is a more fitting question, actually. What I think you should do is trust him, because it could really just be a piece of plastic or some garbage that he had; another reason you actually asked a friend that used to do drugs and that friend told you that it was meaningless therefore there really shouldn't be anything to worry about. Oh! If your main worry about this being a drug abuse issue, you should know that many people live, hang with or are friends with people that do drugs, just because he does not mean that you have to do it. Remember, it's your life no one can make you do something you don't want to! Tar'n.
You say you don't even know what this item could be, or even if he left it in your room yet you are willing to distrust him. Have you had a bad experience in the past?? Perhaps he seems 'too good to be true' and you are looking for a flaw somehwere. Maybe you need to just trust him, and in time, flags will come up, if he has a problem, it will come to light. Sometimes we can be afraid to hope or dare to believe we have found someone good, or maybe feel we don't deserve them in our life, that fear can cause us to sabotage it, if we are not careful. I hope you can work it out without letting fear cut you off from something good, take care, Laurie.
I think you should follow your heart because you're not dating the drug, you're dating him, and you should trust him. In a relationship you have to be honest, it won't work out if he lies or if you don't believe. If I were you, I would trust him and if you catch him, you'll know what to do then. Roberto.
I think you should believe in that guy. After all, you don't have any proof that the object was from him, and you don't have to lose the opportunity of have in your life someone that respects you and cares about you, because, though you are risking too much, and you don't know him, Coldplay says "if you never try you never know", right? So give him a chance, maybe was a misunderstanding, or maybe you'll regret of this someday or maybe you'll be happy for take this decision, but at least you will know that you gave him the opportunity that he asked, you never know.
Greets from Argentina, Guadalupe.
You are in a very tricky situation indeed. I am a firm believer of giving people second chances. But sometimes our own better judgment is being clouded if it involves a person that we are dating. One thing you may try is to agree with him to take more time getting to know each other through each others friends. Spend time not only between the two of you but also with your friends. That way, your friends may help you see his character more clearly. Hope this helps.
Jennilyn from Philippines.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.