November 1, 2013 - submitted by PH, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #142
I need some advice. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm in love with my friend that I've known for 4 years.
I loved him for three and it sucks. I've waited and waited for him and nothing. I've seen him like other girls and it just pains me, my heart shatters every time he finds someone new. I don't know what to do, I've tried to stop my feelings but I always go back to him. He always finds a way to creep into my heart. The little things he does - his smile his laugh, his wittiness, makes me fall for him all over again. But there are times where I've felt nothing but pain and there have been times where I broke down and just cried for hours because of him and his obliviousness. I don't know if he will ever feel the same. And I just can't wait forever, it hurts too much. I'm ready to just quit on love.
I value our friendship too much that I'm scared of telling him, what if he chose to ignore me and just leave me?
I need some serious advice please help me Oracle. What should I do!?
The Oracle replies:
It's very common to fall in love with a friend. It happened to me when I was younger. The only major difference is the person in question knew so we had the opportunity to be friends with all our cards on the table. My feelings weren't reciprocated so it was tough and looking back, I don't know why I put myself through the pain of staying friends with someone I felt more for who didn't feel the same. Like you, seeing someone you love with somebody else hurt like hell (as oppose to heaven). Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure if we'd got together it wouldn't have been the amazing thing I'd romanticized in my head and probably wouldn't have lasted a week!
Maybe ask yourself the question I never asked myself: why are you friends with him? If he's a true friend, he would surely still be your friend if you tell him how you feel. It may be awkward if he hasn't already worked out that you're in love with him but hopefully in time, your friendship will be back on track. I think you should tell him - he has a right to know. You may feel better once you've unburdened this huge weight you're carrying around.
If you are hoping that one day he will realize he loves you and live happily ever after it might be worth considering spending more time apart and putting distance between you and him.
You can't stop your feelings but it's not right to wait. Don't quit on love, there WILL be other loves. It won't be the same, but open your heart to the possibility. Date other boys and see how that feels, you may start to notice the way another boy smiles or laughs.
There is no need for you to continue this situation. You have chosen the sacrifice of staying friends but sometimes for your own health & well-being the sacrifice should be the friendship itself.
Over to you.
To be honest, it's a long time ago since I've been in love, but if I were you, I would tell him I love him. Maybe he does love you, and maybe he doesn't. The possibilities:
If he doesn't and he leaves you, he isn't it worth to be in love with.
If he doesn't love you and he want's to stay friends, you better won't try to let him love you. Just act normal to him. Then you will have a beautiful friendship or, maybe later, love.
If he loves you, I wish you a beautiful relationship.
I wish you good luck. Isabelle.
It is disheartening when someone does not reciprocate your feelings. You do need to be upfront with this person and tell him your feelings. If he does not feel the same way, then you need to move on without him. You should not stop happiness in your life for someone else. You deserve better and you have to believe that. It is his loss if he does not want to be with you. You also cannot let him string you along and take advantage of you always being there for him. If after you confront him, if he does not share your feelings, then you make a clean break. No social media, texting, calling, etc. If he really does love you or had feelings for you he will come back to you. You have to give it time, the longer you can go without seeing him or talking to him, the easier it will be. I know that whenever I feel upset or bad about something I listen to some Coldplay, that always makes things better! Good luck. Carrie T. Gilbert, AZ.
We always see the person we love like a superhero, undestroyable and with no defects. You think about your friend and you focus on his laugh, his smile, the good things, but haven't you stopped for a second and started to think about his negative part too? he must have it, we all do. If you think about it, this relationship you are having with him is going to hurt no matter if it continues or not so, I know this is going to be a real challenge but you got to be direct and tell him that you love him since three years because if you don't you are going to develop a terrible feeling called hate, you are going to hate the fact that you love him and you are going to hate everything related to him. It is one million times better to drop this bomb on him and accept the consequences than keep suffering and in a future hating. Remember this: While you are melting and crying for him, he is not even thinking about it, you have a problem? Speak about it with your best friend. MDLA.
I know how you feel. Almost exactly. I've been stuck on a girl for almost 2 years now. I may not know the circumstances, but if he values your friendship, then simply admitting you like him shouldn't cause a problem. I waited a whole year to tell my love that I like her, and while she didn't reciprocate those feelings, she still wanted to keep my as a friend. We're really close, and the knowledge of attraction has actually helped our friendship. I think it's the right thing to do, but that's a decision only you can make. Best of luck with this! Jackson.
Loving someone who does not know or does not reciprocate the feeling is one of the worst things a person can go through. It can be torture, Many of us know this first hand, so please know you are not alone. You are not the first person to go through this and will not be the last. It seems you have been friends with person a long time. Friendships can last a lifetime. This is something to remember.
If you feel so strongly about your friend, you should t tell him how you feel or else you will have no resolve or answers. Realize, you may take this person by surprise and may not know how he feels. He may respond positively and return those feelings. He also may not have the same feelings so you must prepare yourself for that too. If that is the case, it will be awkward for a while but please remember if he cares for you at all he will respect your feelings and you should be able to talk about this so you can grow and move on. I hope this helps you. Take care, Christa.
If you love this guy, tell him!! You guys have been friends for 4 years, so he will understand, and obviously if he's been your friend for that long, he cares about you enough that he won't leave you over this, no matter whether he feels the same or not.
Do, however, watch your timing. If he's in a relationship or just got out of one, it would be a good idea to wait. If his mind is clearly set on another girl at the time, he won't be able to even fully think about whether he has feelings for you as well or not.
Basically, find a good time to talk about it, and just tell him. He may feel the same way about you and just not want to tell you because he has the same fears you do. Stacy.
It is quite obvious that you can't go on like that, you must do something or your feelings will consume you and you will eventually break down. I think that you have two options. You'll either tell him how you feel and hope that he will say the same, or end your friendship. Because you can't be only friends with him when you have feelings that aren't on that level. And eventually that will show in some way. I can't tell you exactly what to do because choice is only yours but in my opinion, I think that you shoud tell him that you are in love with him and that it is very painful for you to just stand by his side as nothing but a friend. I understand that you are scared that he will reject you, but isn't it bad enough to hang out with him, listen how he likes other girls, with love for him hidden in your heart? If he doesn't feel the same, you will know, and it will hurt for a while but then you'll let go. Time really does help believe it or not. Be brave enough , take a risk, and who knows? It might just turn out to be the right thing to do. A.S. Croatia.
It sounds like you're really in love with this guy. Honestly, I would just try to tell him how you feel, because "if you never try, you'll never know"! If he really means this much to you, I can understand why you wouldn't want to jeopardize your friendship, but who know? If you take the risk, he just may end up feeling the same way! Fizza.
You need to move on sweetheart. This guy obviously is not interested in you. And maybe he does not even notice your presence any more than one would notice a tree on a pavement. Pain is what you will always feel in his presence, since you feel so strongly about him and he does not reciprocate. And what do you mean by him leaving you? Its best that you create distance between the two of you and start finding another person who appreciates and loves you. Someone who celebrates every day because you are there in his life. Don't ever quit on love and don't try so hard to find it either. Love has this uncanny knack of creeping up behind you unsuspecting at a time and place you least expect. And once you find that special person, you will realise that being friends with this present guy will also become so easy. Trust me.
I want you to draw strength and courage from Tennyson's magic words, "It may be that the gulfs will wash us down: It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles. Tho' much is taken, much abides". Good luck, find love and live life.
I went through the same thing three years ago. I was in love with my best friend. Even though he had a girlfriend and I was pretty sure I would never have a chance to be with him, I was head over heals for him. The best advice I could give you is to tell him. I told my best friend, and we've been in a committed relationship ever since and it's the best relationship I've ever had... I even caught him looking online at engagement rings. Even if you're afraid of telling him and ruining your friendship, you owe it to yourself not to drive yourself crazy anymore. If he was really your friend but he doesn't feel the same way, he won't let things change between the two of you. Just go for it, or you'll always wonder what could've been. Natalie.
Wow! 4 years of friendship, it is certain that you are inlove with him after the closeness you had together with him. Its really hard to be inlove with your friend you've known for years because it felt like all those 4 years you've been together as friends are going to be wasted. But, I totally kmow how you feel about being in love with your friend. It is really hard when he meets new girls then you are just there standing, being hurt, but there's nothing you can do, you are only his friend. Its really hard to let go of your feelings for him when he doesn't know anything about it. I think its time for you to know whether he loves you or not after all those years. Maybe if you confess your love to him, things may get change. It could be awkward from the start but you need to start working on the spot. And I'm sure that he can't ignore you because of 4 years of friendship, and if he even leaves you, there are still many man out there for you but it may not be the same as him. You should tell it to him and maybe he would consider his feelings for you.
Hope you would do the right thing. Kristine.
As someone who once sat in your shoes, P.H., I completely understand where you're coming from. As someone who has moved on from it I hope I can help you out. This is going to sound completely cheesy and you’ll definitely think “easy for you to say” just like I did when my mom said it to me, but I hope you’ll take it to heart. You need to be honest and up-front about your feelings. I know what you're thinking: what if this ruins the friendship? I felt the same way. Yeah, there’s a chance he doesn’t feel the same way. But think about how you're feeling now, how you're living. You're not being honest with yourself or with him, and it sounds like it is taking a serious toll on your physical and emotional health. If he is the person you think he is, than he will be honest about his feelings as well. A true friend wouldn't let this affect the relationship (unless it's in a positive way!) If he does react in a negative manner, he's not worthy of your time. You don’t deserve the torture you’re putting yourself through. Be brave, be strong and you'll be a better, happier person in the long run for it.
Good luck and keep your chin up! Lauren M. TX, USA.
I wonder what makes you feel that you cannot get over him. I don't think you can be in love with someone unless they've at some point loved you back in the same way. I suspect you might be infatuated with him, which like other obsessions, is fueled by insecurities. What makes you think you can't get over someone that isn't treating you the way you want to be treated? Someone that isn't showing the kind of interest in you that you crave? We accept the love we think we deserve, including none at all. You have to let yourself be loved, not just by him, but by any other person that might be pretty cool as well (maybe even attractive to you). By doing that, you've accepted that you are a lovable person and deserve to be loved (isn't that what this is about, wanting to be loved?). You haven't ever told him how you feel either, which pushes me even more to think that you've become comfortable with telling yourself you've been rejected when really, he hasn't rejected you any more than you've rejected him. You should go out and meet new people and most likely find that after a while, certain types of them just statistically show up more commonly than we, strangely, hope. So in the end it isn't that much about how great he is. I'm sure he's great in his own ways and really not great in more of his own ways, but the point is that *no one* is worth that kind of disrespect for yourself and your aspirations. With love and warm regards, A Fellow Coldplayer. Darem.
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