October 18, 2013 - submitted by Ann, United Kingdom
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #140
I think that I'm falling out of love. I'm wondering if I ever loved them to begin with. I need help in figuring out the emotions. Thanks.
The Oracle replies:
Ah love, it really is one of life's mysteries. Love can be many things to many people. It comes, it goes or it can last forever. It can fade but then suddenly reignite with intensity. It can be all consuming. It can be passionate or passive. It can be reciprocated or unrequited.
It's pretty universal and though most of us have experienced feelings of love on some level, it can be very complex.
I'll let you into a secret. I once spent 11 years falling in and out of love with the same person. I was scared to end it in case the feelings came back again as they had so many times before. I can't explain how I knew by the last final goodbye that it really was the end and the right decision. Some might say that to be unsure of your feelings and stay with someone isn't fair. That's worth considering.
Love can change. In relationships it may start with fireworks, sparks and stomach flipping desire. That sometimes peters out and becomes somewhat more comfortable. In other cases it can fizzle out completely. I can't say for certain but it sounds like that's what's happened to you. It doesn't mean you didn't love them in the first place or that you won't love them again but right now, your feelings have either plateaued, diminished or disappeared.
What you need to do is try to work out what - if any - feelings you DO have.
Maybe you're not attracted to this person as much as you once were. That isn't unusual but when you're in love you don't just fancy someone, it goes a lot deeper. You can care for someone and love them but being in love is more than that. If you can't possibly imagine your life without them in it, that's when you know.
Over to you.
I consider love is the most amazing and unorthodox feeling that exists, it makes you feel hundreds of other feelings at the same time and it's more complicated than a rubik cube. NO ONE knows exactly how it works, it just does. Asking someone what is love or how it feels is a total waste of time because you know when you're in love. I know it might sound a little bit too cliché but love in my opinion is when you see that person and no one else matters, nor your friends, nor your family, not even you. Only that person and what you feel for that person. Like a wise man said once: "It's weird that whatever else is on your mind, whether it's the downfall of global economics or terrible environmental troubles, the thing that always gets you the most is when you fancy someone".
Do not feel like you're falling out of love, it's just a matter of time for that special person to appear. MDLA.
Love is a complicated thing. The way most people see it, it's an emotion that gives you warm fuzzies when you're around that special someone but in reality, it's so much more than that. Love is not an emotion, it's an action. It's not built on just hanging out or small talk, it's based on true companionship and trust, and that means sticking it through some pretty bad stuff. True love takes hard work and sacrifice and you only get out what you put in. It's based on what’s really inside, that true selflessness and admiration of one specific person for what’s inside their heart and soul. So maybe you're not falling out of love, maybe you're just at a tough point in your relationship right now. But believe me if you stick it through, it will only bring you closer together. I hope that helps, God bless! Sydney.
Ann, I can only tell you this. At some point, you had to have real feelings for this person( love or not) in order to be with them. There had to be things about them you found endearing and appealing. Falling out of love can happen, and if you can't find any reasons about this person to stay with them, it's best to part. Best of luck to you! Ashley.
Love can be a complicated emotion indeed, so don't worry too much if you're confused - it's natural! Why don't you look back at they used to which made you feel happy earlier, and check if you feel the same way even now? For example, a smile from a friend has always been a much needed and reassuring thing in my life, and when it's from somebody I love, I feel happy and at peace. Does this apply to you? Did it earlier? Does it now? Take small snippets like this from when you felt you were in love and compare them to what they mean to you now.
it might be helpful for you to think about what loves means to you, because it can mean a lot of different things in many different perspectives! I believe love means comfort and security, but it could just as well mean anything else to you. Lastly, don't panic! Emotions are tricky to control, but in choosing to sort them out you've already taken the first step! Devesh.
Love is a complex feeling, a bunch of emotions, a spark between you and the other person. Love can't be really identified by symptoms, but you'd know if you're in love or not. Something inside you will tell you that you're in love, you'll feel weird all around and you'll be overjoyed. Falling out of love can happen for so many reasons, those being not seeing the person for years, not feeling the same connection you did before (that's because you get used to it and it doesn't feel special anymore) and many other reasons. You can't really force yourself to fall back in love, it will happen naturally. It's not easy to fall out of love, but sometimes you kind of tend to have this empty feeling inside, but it'll soon be gone. I've fallen in love once myself, and it took me some time to get over it, and until today I still feel some little thing toward the person. Love is not easy (to fall into or out of), but you might have not really fallen out of love, you may just be going through episodes, and that's natural in most cases. You'll soon find yourself back on your feet, and being able to identify each and every feeling you have. Solaf.
I understand you. With so many bad things in the world, sometimes love cools. I think you should stimulate the feeling of love. Visit an orphanage, a nursing home. Or even a maternity (ah, babies and children, arouse me so much love) Encourage your heart to love of neighbor. This is a good start. Salete.
Many things can cause us to feel this way. We may have assumed that falling in love, or finding the right person is the hard part, and while it can be, it is not the end of the story. Love needs expression and nurturing it needs to be tended to and delicately cared for. This is work. It must never be taken for granted or ignored. A relationship with someone means we are connected on an emotional level, but also on a physical and intellectual level as well, which one has taken the hit? Many things can kill love. You don't say what has happened but how do you feel about it? Imagine your life without the one you speak of. If this is unthinkable you have your answer. If the thought brings you peace then you have the basis to know what to do. In some cases it can be revived but if a lack of trust has destroyed it this, it can be difficult. You face a tough choice. We live in a world of wash and wear relationships and people are not always committed to each other, but it does not have to be like that. Get to the root of what you feel has killed your love and if you can revive it you may be able to have a better relationship than before. I wish you every success!! Laurie.
Falling in and out of love is a very tricky situation. The only advice that I could think that would help your situation would be to just get away for a day or so. Drive out to a place you enjoy and just think it out. If you live near anywhere scenic maybe you should try and see the sights. Your emotions will eventually sort themselves out there as you replay your time with the one you fancy. Tyler.
I think you should go back to the roots of the relationship. Do some of the stuff that you did I'm the first stages of the relationship. You should get a sense of déjà vu. Some of those feelings and emotions will come back to you and you should think carefully about them. Think of the way that you feel. And then act from that point. Inash.
The thing with love is you can grow tired of it (the person, the relationship, you name it). Because eventually you always end up wanting a little more than what you already have. It's always easier to dream about something you desire than to work to keep something you already have. The question is, is the new "thing" worth leaving what you already have? Are you happy with that person? Keep in mind that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Clementine.
The most important thing that you need to figure out is if you've reached the "comfort zone" in your relationship. Just because you don't experience the butterflies, hand sweating, heart beating kind of thing, doesn't mean you've fallen out of love. It just means that your relationship has reached a level that you are both very comfortable with each other. If this isn't the case, try to think about what made you fall in love with this person in the first place. What qualities did you admire in your partner? Can you still see those qualities? If they are still the same person you once loved then you might have to take a look at what has changed in you? Have your preferences changes? Have your values changed? These are all questions you have to ask yourself if you want to figure out whats in your heart, after all, only you can answer them. Tamara.
I would just go with your gut. Did your heart really beat a little bit faster every time they were near? Every time you made eye contact? Every time you talked? Or did you just think that happened...think of them and the first thing that pops into your head probably sums up your true feelings. I hope you find out for yourself soon! Georgia.
To fall out of means you must have been IN love before, however else could you fall out? I really do think you don’t need to question your past. You had good times for sure and then it was love for you, love you were able to give and able to feel.
You, your partner might have changed or you might feel a need to change, maybe a time off to find back to yourself. Being self-critical is not bad in generally, but don’t listen to definitions of love others want to tell you. Sure we want to have a scale for everything, an indicator saying: “This time it’s true love”. I can’t think about answers, only some questions, those answers only you can know: Do you feel loved? Why do you think you don’t feel it back? What do your beloved make you think about them? What moments make you feel happy? Are there feelings you would want to last forever? When I don’t know how to go on sometimes I imagine what I would do if I had only a short time to live. Would this change my decisions?
However sometimes our emotions don’t want to be figured out, they find us, we only need to listen deep inside and then we might realize more clearly what could have known before anyway. You can also keep it with John Lennon: “Love is the flower you’ve got to let grow.” L.Q.
Yes, but make sure it's true love and not a confusion. if so you should do the right thing. I wish you good luck. Josue.
I can tell you care about him and you want to save your relationship. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have asked this question. I believe healthy relationships typically accordion in and out with periods of increased closeness and periods of distance. Growing apart is not a death sentence for a relationship. The key is to do something to bring a return of connection.
Right now you wonder if you were in love in the first place, and it’s natural to feel that way because you feel a gap between the two of you. Maybe you’re spending less time together because of work? Or there’s something bothering you (like a behavior) and you haven’t talked to him about it? Or maybe you feel he’s holding you back from something you’ve always wanted to do? You could look at all the aspects of your relationship and figure out where is the problem and take action to correct the drift.
You can also make a pro and cons list, and spot the things that make the both of you happy in your relationship and do more of them. If, after a while, you still feel the same way, maybe it’s time to say goodbye.
Breakups are painful, but they are part of the “dating world” and as corny as it might sound, you’ll find someone else. But first, try to work on your current relationship and see if you can make things work again. Eliana.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.