August 9, 2013 - submitted by Everly, United Kingdom
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #131
I seriously need your help on this one.
I'm really afraid about the future. Most particularly, the future of the relationship I'm currently in. I'm so confused. My relationship is getting more and more serious, meaning my boyfriend is clinging onto me like a lifeline. I feel as if I'm trapped, and I don't want to be stuck in the same relationship for so much longer. I'm only fifteen, and he's only sixteen, and he acts like we'll be together forever. I really, truly care about him and he feels the same way about me. He's unlike any other person I've met. I'm of two minds - I don't want to let him go, but my brain and gut are telling me I can't just have it be like that. It doesn't feel right anymore. I don't know what to do. Please help me.
The Oracle replies:
I don't want to patronize you but I applaud you for speaking out, Everly. Falling in love can be fraught with complications and fears but you seem to have a realistic idea in your head rather than a romantic one. There is NOTHING wrong with that at all by the way. You're quite right yet so many young people DO think their first love will last forever. It rarely does but of course it can so I'm not ruling it out however, I think you're really wise to think the way you do.
You both clearly care for each other a lot and enough to be in a relationship with each other. All you need to do is respect that and tell your boyfriend parts of what you told me (you truly care about him, he's unlike any other person you've met, you don't want to let him go) but that you feel that right now you can't think about any long term future. Explain - gently - that you are too young to be put under any pressure and want to enjoy your relationship. If you need to say things are feeling quite right, do; just tell him that you have concerns.
I don't think you need to end this or take a break just yet, give your boyfriend the benefit of trying to step off the pedal a bit.
That said, I always think the gut feeling should be listened to even with (especially with) matters of the heart.
After you have told him how you feel, you can see if things change. If you still have worries in a couple of months, then may be the time to make a more permanent decision. Right now just be 15 and don't worry about your future. It's your life and you are in control of the direction so many things can take.
If you continue on this path of self-awareness you won't go far wrong - it's a great way to be. Just be mindful some of your choices may hurt others so if you can do what you want / need with as little pain to others as possible, I imagine you having a very fulfilled and happy life.
Over to you.
Seems like you're having some trouble with your feelings. Well, we humans don't like to do things out of our will, and it looks like you feel you are. But ask yourself this, why don't you want to let go? Is it because you don't want to break his heart, or is it because you truly love him? You also said something about feeling 'trapped'. I'll tell you this, relationships are actually something quite serious and require patience and will. If you think it's getting too serious, don't tell him, but rather make him feel that you're a bit uncomfortable with what he's saying. Everything in life does have it's ups and downs, and nobody is perfect. Relationships are not to find 'the perfect guy/girl', but to rather find the right one. You might be in love but he might not be right for you. If you don't want to be stuck with him, make sure you have some time apart. Besides, you can always tell him how you feel about things (except what I mentioned above). (I have made lots of points because you don't seem to have given enough information for me to figure out what your situation is all about). I hope it works out for you, and hey, if it doesn't, remember that you've got your whole life ahead of you to fall in love over and over again. You're just 15! Solaf.
I've been in a situation like yours once before, and unfortunately, here I must say (as most say) go with your gut. If it doesn't feel right, most likely it isn't, sadly, and what is most important is your happiness. If you aren't happy, as sad as it may be, you should do what must be done. Best regards, Claire USA.
Myself I've been through the same situation you're in and I can tell you that any choice you make it is going to be hard. When you feel that something it's not right anymore it's always a good reason to change something.
“You have to change that thing you can't accept and accept that thing you can't change.”
And I made my choice, I let him go. It was necessary for our growth, I needed some time to really get to know myself, I was really involved in him, that I have forgot who I was and where I was going. We were stuck!
I was so in love that I wasn't able to see that we were doing much harm to each other instead of being good to each other. And at the beginning I was feeling selfish for taking this decision for him too, but it was unfair for him that I stay if I was not sure of my future with him anymore.
Many times I've regretted my decision, just because I miss him so much. But I'm perfectly aware that he is ok now, that he is becoming a better person and he is experiencing different things just as much as I am.
My advice: Live, love and let go. Luck my friend! With love Effy.
I think that it's better to break up for a while. If you can't live without him you can always going back together, but if you feel like you're trapped it's better to have more time for yourself. Melody.
Love is complicated enough for a person on his or her own. Let alone in a relationship where two minds and two hearts both struggle to be one. Everly, you are only fifteen years old and your boyfriend is only sixteen. You are perhaps afraid because in your boyfriend’s behaviour, you might be getting a glimpse of what commitment could be about – being there for the one who loves you. It is ok if you do not feel as ‘helpless’ as he does. It does not mean you love him less. In every relationship, there is always the one who loves a bit more! Nonetheless, you also have all the right to feel the way you do but there is no reason to be afraid or upset. The best solution would be to talk this out with your boyfriend and make him understand how you feel. If he is somewhat insecure without the reason to be so, just tell him. A great relationship starts off from being able first and foremost, to communicate together. Give it time – The ‘love’ of the first few months will either develop into a deeper and more meaningful love (without the frills of the infatuation) or just fade away. Time will tell and you still have so much of that on your hand! Good luck!
It sounds like the two of you are expecting two very different things from your relationship. The fair the thing to do is to be honest with him because it'll only be worse the longer you let him believe that you feel the same way he does when you don't. It isn't really your fault, it just happens when there's miscommunication. Be clear with your intentions and just let things play out, knowing you did what's best for both of you as individuals. Wish you the best. Love, Darem.
You both are very young and it is absolutely natural to doubt about a lifetime relationship now.
In my opinion it would be important to have a time for your own, when you don’t live with your parents or family anymore, a time to learn self-dependence before you would live in a relationship similar to a marriage. Maybe this is something what makes you afraid of it. This doesn’t mean you would have to live alone, it could be a flat share or something.
Though your age is not necessarily a sign a happy future together for you would be impossible. Only because a majority of people does something different, this doesn’t mean it would be the right thing for you.
It is important for you to have enough room to become and to be yourself. There should be time, days, when you do something with your friends or alone.
Tell him how feel, exactly this, that you don’t want to let him go, but also you need some freedom. When he loves you he will understand. Best wishes for your future. L.Q.
I think you should probably end this relationship. It sounds like you don't want to hurt him because he loves you more than you love him - if you indeed love him at all. Let him go. Jack.
Just tell him that you feel too young for an intense relationship and that thinking about the rest of your life is daunting. You still have school, college, career decisions to focus on and throwing relationship into the mix is freaking you out. If he truly loves you he will hopefully put you more at ease. You're 15 and shouldn't have to carry this burden - you should be out having fun with your mates. Plenty time for the serious stuff in a few years! Patty.
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