July 26, 2013 - submitted by Maite, Spain
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #129
I feel lonely, I don't know what to do with my life. I have all the things that one person needs to be happy. I had a bad experience with my ex-boyfriend and then, I started to feel depressive. I don't believe in anybody, all I feel is negative and I am trying to overcome my problem every day, but I think that no one will ever love me and also that I will never love as I did. I want to change now, everybody says to me the same, and all I want is real help.
The Oracle replies:
I think that all of this stems from your break-up or the relationship itself. It's not clear whether there were problems during your time together so I will have to assume the former.
It's not unusual to experience the feelings you describe after a relationship ends: low mood, mistrust, heartache and despair.
You need a lot of time to process what has happened. I don't mean to understand - you may never but I want you to keep in mind that you have acknowledged you have all the things a person needs to be happy. That's a good thing to know so let's focus on that. Let's look at what you have, not what you have lost.
Family, friends, health and freedom are very important and will help you move forward. You may have isolated yourself but by being withdrawn in your grief your feelings of loneliness will intensify. Just because you're single you don't have to be lonely. Being alone is not the same thing. Friends may have run out of things to say and don't know how to help but let them in. I want you to really try to get back out there and do the things you did before your relationship. In fact, start a relationship with yourself and put energy into that. Rediscover what it is to have that freedom.
What you need to do is realize that your heart will take time to heal. Trust needs to be earned so you will be cautious of letting someone get close to you but eventually you will. You may never love the way you did, you may never be loved the way you were but just because it's different, doesn't mean it won't be great.
Look at it this way, at least you had that wonderful experience - some people don't have that in a lifetime.
Whatever has happened will shape you but don't let it break you.
Over to you.
I can understand from your viewpoint that you'd start to feel like this. After going through a lot of bad experiences, it's hard to picture yourself or your life turning around and coming across the good, also after being let down by certain people that you care about, which hurts. What you have to focus on most importantly is that you aren't alone, even if you truly feel so. Everyone - and I mean everyone, even the people who don't seem like it - ends up feeling like this at one point or another in their life. Try to really center yourself and put yourself with people that you know love and care about you, most particularly, your family and friends. Anyone that you feel is giving you the slightest negative energy, avoid them. Don’t judge your life or possibly future relationships by one bad experience with an ex-boyfriend. Again, it happens to everyone. Relationship problems and splits are not uncommon, but it’s easier said than done for you to feel better about them. It will take a while to heal, and when that happens it’ll be a huge milestone for you to feel better. Always remember, everything's not lost. Everly.
I do understand how you feel, it is clear that when a person hurts, you feel of all these forms, I understand you want to feel better but do not have to hurry up, your heart needs time to heal, love is a beautiful experience and you can learned many things, everybody go through different experiences but remember that, every story with each person is different. As you go beating your problem, these desire to love, will comeback to you again, just give yourself a bit of time to get well and stay with people who love you, they'll be there supporting you to go ahead. Life is beautiful in many different ways. Noodle.
Part of being human is the need to feel accepted received and loved. No matter where we hail from, this is a common need of the heart . Maite, it's normal (and in a weird way, beautiful) to feel the way you feel given the circumstance. The beauty in your humanity is what makes you attractive, and I guess my way of help is by first applauding your courage to speak out (because most of us don't). You are lovable, I have been drawn to you, a stranger wanting to help, and you should feel that way about yourself. Sometimes getting out of your daily environment helps. When all is said and done, the peace you can enjoy in your heart is that of contentment with who you are as a wholesome being. It gets better, somehow. David. Nairobi, Kenya.
I think what you feel is normal. I don't know for how long you've felt this, but if the depression is over whelming seek help through a doctor. What I have learned is that no one "makes" you feel a certain way. You choose to feel a certain way. Certain circumstances bring brooding and sadness. Those times are normal but you do need to lift your head up, get up, and do something to cheer yourself up. It is hard, yes! In time it will become easier. You will trust again. You will believe again. You have to choose to though. I will say this. You ARE strong. You HAVE meaning. You have WORTH. Be Strong! Heather.
Who ever broke your heart back then don't close your heart. You'll find another love again. Some times love is like life it comes and goes. So just like life you lose someone but you keep living. When that love of our life goes we must keep on loving don't let the cycle repeat on. Please open up your heart because if repeats on you will get a cold bitter heart. Smokey.
It is so easy to lose ourselves inside a relationship. We fall in love and we feel like our lives are complete and then when the relationship falls apart we are gutted and cannot see a way back to happiness alone.
Do not see your relationship as trying to escape loneliness. Instead focus on the one person who needs some attention right now. You. Reconnect with yourself and learn to love you. Only once we know and love ourselves enough to be comfortable being alone are we truly ready to have a relationship. You need to bring love and happiness to someone and not depend on them to bring love and happiness to you.
Being in a relationship is like have a joint banking account. You have to both put something in, so both of you can get something out. Start building yourself up cause when you're ready, you'll have tons of love to give a lucky person.
Strength, love and peace. N.
In order to feel love from others, you first have to live yourself. What does that mean? It means you have to live for the person you are. You are unique in your own way;embrace it and embrace yourself. Love has no preferences, people do. There are two great misconception about love. The first is that it has to be found and the second is that you must earn it. Concerning the first, love lives inside you and it grow like wildfire. Take a break from society and learn to love yourself. You will see that the love you foster in yourself will reflect off the people around you. For the second, never prove yourself for the sake of love. Does a child need to prove themselves to their parents? Of course not. But line exists. Society may want something from you to love you, but know that you are worth far more than that. Jonathan.
You know, they say everything happens for a reason. The good, the bad, the moment of success you feel, the heart breaking moments, the hardships we face, etc. They all make us to become who we really are in this life. And mind you, we have only one lifetime to live and that's it. So how you choose to deal and react to your situation will eventually define you. Deep down all of us, we are strong and courageous and can face any situation that we are faced with. There is someone for everybody my friend. There will be someone for you I can guarantee you that; only if you let yourself to fly again. You can only know only if you try. Someone will love you and love you right only if you let your past go. I know that it’s easier said then done but it’s not an over-night thing. You have to take each day as it comes and if you never give up, you will find happiness or rather, it will find you. All the feelings you are feeling are normal for us humans. Everybody in their life time will feel what you are feeling some part in their life time. So it’s not a matter of “if you will ever overcome your problems” but “when you will overcome them” and that is in your hands to decide and do. I hope for you have a wonderful and happy life. Don’t give up. Russel.
You are unique. An individual. There is no one on this planet that is like you. You are capable of so many things and your abilities are endless. You have to learn to see that and to love yourself for who you are. I promise you that if you do that, and continue to live your life being an inspiration to others you will be loved more than you can imagine. We accept the love that we think we deserve, but once you see the greatness that lives inside of you will no longer be treated like the underdog, you will rise up and touch other peoples life in a way that no one else can. Hakuna Matata baby. Ell.
Everything takes time especially break ups. The feelings you are having: depression, the negative attitude, and thoughts of hopeless love will disappear with time. I don't know how long its been since your break up, but you have to give yourself credit. If you found love in the past love will find you again in the future. The best gifts in life are given when you least expect it. My advice to you is to stop focusing on the negative side of your situation and start focusing on the good. Take the time to get to know yourself better, learn a new hobby; take the time to change your life for the better. There's no time frame for how long it will take you to find love again so use the minutes of your single life to the fullest! Ashley, USA.
You are not alone in your troubles. Millions of people deal with sad thoughts or depression linked to a break-up, myself included. Where I've found the most comfort in moving forward is music, dear friends and new experiences. For me, the best way to combat loneliness or sadness is to re-connect with your passions in life. If you are able to, make new memories with a friend (or make a new friend along your way!), reconnect with someone you haven’t seen in a while, plan a trip you never thought you’d take. Today is the day to begin making new memories in your life! Ones that over time will far surpass those you had with any ex. Be optimistic about your future. It's so easy to dwell on the past, but the future is what you should really be excited about! Sincerely, Evan, Ohio.
Don't know whose idea it was?! It's not true everybody needs love to be happy! I'm a 25 yr old attractive woman and I've never been in love. I don't know what love is and seriously I wouldn't like to know. I live my own life, have hobbies, do what I want, have no commitments and I like to think I'm independent woman. Now its time for my advise: STOP THINK ABOUT THE BOYS AND DO SOMETHING USEFUL! Lee.
If you have friends/ family around currently, spend time hearing their laughter, seeing them smiling. This is how you feel life, accept it and feel its presence. You can have someone closer to talk to, just to express but not too often to avoid further disturbance for yourself.
If problems of the past are still unclear, so will the solutions. Cracking mind to find any is so much pain. To move on, firstly, avoid confusions you can/ are yet to imagine to happen (if I took path A, it will be so and so).
You have hobbies, always get back to them. You have your favorite places and food, these are your space. They give you security, only you can access to those. Here is where you find peace.
Always be grateful. Since you have everything to be happy, you should now grow them. It is lucky to still have them through your hard times.
We are here to love and to be loved. You can value yourself, you're still yours even if you don't feel that special care from someone else. Love comes in many ways, even for the same purpose (like loving that someone special). Never love as you might once be does not stop you from being sincere and patience. 'Til the perfect timing then. Ai.
Your heart was broken and it takes a lot of time and confidence to make it whole again. Time passes by, but to build new trust for your life you need new experiences, those can only happen if you allow them to happen. When you say you want to change, you can do it, it is up to you. Inside you might know there will be no guaranty your heart will be never hurt again. That’s a risk we have to take, though it doesn't need to lock our heart from the world around us. Your love could be waiting already. Take your bad experience for a help, to be more cautious or wary the next time, but never let it ruin your future. Remember those lines: "How can you know it if you don't even try?" […] "You know that darkness always turns into light."
Best wishes. L.Q.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.