April 12, 2013 - submitted by Valentina, Argentina
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #115
I have a little problem. You know that mixing friendship with love it's always a mess. And of course, I got into one of those. But it's not the typical story of best friends who fall in love. We are friends, best friends actually, and I love him. How couldn't I? Is the best friend I ever have. And then it is this part, this physical attraction between us, which is unbearable. We can't help it, we always end up kissing each other. But it doesn't exist a romantic part, not for me at least. I don't want to be his girlfriend, because I'm happy with our relationship just like it is.
But he is different, he is starting to get jealous every time he sees me with another boy and I am not willing to be controlled. Lets say I'm a free spirit. I have no jealousy or envy in my heart, for me he can do whatever he want with whoever he desires. But I don't wanna hurt his feelings.
I said to him the kissing part it's over, that we can't continue if he is jealous, because our friendship it's going to go always in the first place. I did the right thing? It doesn't feel that way, I miss him.
Please tell me if I am crazy, if it is worth it to give up to my freedom just for him.
You have to understand I'm a bit scared, I have awful experiences in the past.
Anyway, thanks for listen. Love.
The Oracle replies:
Ooh Valentina, I can't help think you are kidding yourself. That means I think you are trying to convince yourself that you don't have feelings other than friendship for this guy. I actually think you do. He obviously has feelings for you so it's very tricky. It was a good decision to stop the kissing but let's see how long that lasts for shall we ;-)
If the attraction is unbearable yet you have no romantic feelings for him, there's clearly lust & love going on here. I think you're fighting against your feelings. You say he's jealous and you're not but has that ever been tested I wonder. If he got a girlfriend tomorrow, can you honestly say it would not bother you AT ALL?
You can be in a relationship and still have your freedom you know. I don't know why you think it has to clip your wings. If he's the best friend you could ever wish for, maybe he'll be a great boyfriend. I don't think he wants to control you but obviously the poor lad is confused. Anyone would be if there's been kissing and now you're telling him there'll be no more.
It's good you don't want to hurt his feelings but likewise, don't think he's out to intentionally hurt you just because you've had bad experiences in the past. Love is a risk but maybe he's someone worth taking it with.
As a last note, my friend invited her male best friend to her wedding - he also happens to be her ex- boyfriend and first love. Don't automatically assume that a friendship will be ruined if you become a couple.
Over to you.
Curiously I could say that I was feeling in the same situation as you, falling in love with your best friend, but, I mean it's ok!, You're not crazy and what you feel for him is something beautiful, but sometimes you have to think with the head and not the heart.
I understand you are scared but you don't have to be alone. You had taken the decision not to be his girlfriend, but he also has to accept the fact that even if he gets jealous or tries to kiss you one more time, make for him clear you don't want to tear apart that awesome relationship, and also that he accepts that you're free to choose with you want to spend your time.
Think just about it when your head is clean, and if you're still looking for answers, just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and see inside yourself, that's were you will find it. Un abrazo amiga Vale, Cata de Mexico.
You are not crazy at all, I assume you are misunderstood by your friend. You love him as a friend and obviously not for that what he wanted to be for you. You had bad experiences and it’s understandable you are not ready for a relationship, maybe the wrong time or the wrong person. For being friends his jealousy is inappropriate. In your situation you did the right thing to set a limit to him and he should accept this.
But then he probably did not have the same experience as you and he seems to expect more than friendship. Some people can’t stand it being “just” friends with someone they are in love with, they even prefer to loose the contact. Though I think they underrate the importance of real friendship, you can’t help them. Explain to him your situation, that you would want to keep this friendship, but he should not wait for a change of your attitude. Then consider about this yourself too, imagine how it would feel for you if he has found someone else one day, would you regret it? Love. L.Q.
Honestly, I believe you should take your friendship to the next level. If you're that good friends that he is getting jealous seeing you with another guy, it's obvious that he wants more. And if you do honestly love him, you will want what's best for him. Your relationship doesn't have to be serious at the beginning, you can just test it out and if it doesn't feel right, then a talk to him would be the best advice. Hope I've come to some help, and good luck! Kate, UK.
What you described you that you share with this guy sounds beautiful. Few people are lucky enough to experience something like this. You are attracted to him too. Give the relationship a try but set boundaries with him. You don't want to be controlled in any way. If he agrees to it, ok or else you will remain friends only. It's up to you but fighting feelings you have for someone is no fun! Listen to your heart. Good luck and take care sweetie. Love, Sandy.
Go for it Valentina! Take a risk... Life is short and love is hard to find.
You have done the right thing and don't feel bad about it friends always have their ups and downs but at the end of the day if he is a true best friend then you will be best friends again but fighting back stronger before you know it. Just give him some time to think things through, then try going to his door and sort things out then before you know it you will be best buddies again. If not then he has lost a great friend hope my advice helps. Sare.
I'll tell you the hard truth: You don't be silly and forget it. Just think, if you tell him to be friends again this will not be like before. If you tell him to be in love, it will be disastrous because you do not feel comfortable with that idea. You shouldn't always expect good things in life; learn that you can't always get what you want. You are young, friends come and go, hypocritical or not, they will. I recommend you go on with your life and be happy being who you are. Who really loves you accepts you as you are, don't ever change for anyone. Harold.
I really know where you're coming from. Commitment to one person means intimacy that you're having with that person only. This can be quite scary especially if you've had bad experiences. I do think sometimes we have to close up, just as a defense mechanism, when we are hurting. We all need that sometimes, but you don't want it to get in the way of your future happiness. You could be happy without a relationship with him, I just mean if your fear of getting hurt is stopping you from commitment and it's what you want. Now, if you're only considering this because you feel pressured or he's making you choose between an intimate relationship or your friendship, I must advise against it. You don't owe him anything, you did well in telling him you did not want a relationship. However I do think he has a right to stay away if he doesn't want to get hurt. If you'd be together with him only because you missed him as a friend, though, it might be messy too. Just make sure that if you go into a relationship with him, you're doing it for the right reasons. Hope this helps. Take care. Love, Darem.
I think u should ask about his feelings and how long he had these feelings. A man should never have total control in a relationship*. Kecia.
(* Neither should a woman! - Oracle.)
Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's harrowing letter, and send us your answer.