January 11, 2013 - submitted by Helena, Sweden
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #102
I have recently split up with my boyfriend. I thought he loved me and I think/thought I loved him too. We had made so many plans together for our lives and we said that we would always be there for each other, no matter what would happen to us. That meant a lot to me and I will never forget it. It made a mark in to my heart. I am still in that place every time I think about him. But I am now like nothing to him. I do not know what happened, or really why or when and where. All I know is that one day, all of a sudden, he decided that he didn't love me anymore. I was shocked.
He has also stopped all contact with me so I didn't even get the chance to talk to him about what happened. I am air to him.
This, was all so all of a sudden for me, and I am still in that place when he love me. And I him.
How will I get my heart unbroken and my spirit and soul back together again?
I am an 21 year old artist/model and he is a 24 year old musician. Love, Helena, Sweden.
The Oracle replies:
A relationship break up is like a bereavement and hurts like hell. There is no quick fix and I can't tell you any secret to mending your heart/spirit/soul.
All I can say to you is you're not the first person to feel that way and you won't be the last so you can take support from people who know what you're going through.
There is no point dwelling on the promises he made because although he meant them at the time, sadly he doesn't now. It's so tough when somebody you love cuts you out and breaks all contact - you're left wanting answers that may never come.
Time will help but it could take a lot of it so in the meantime, surround yourself with friends and family and do all the things you enjoy doing. Don't let your life come to a standstill, pause by all means but keep moving forward. Some things aren't meant to last forever and it sounds like the time you were with him was time well spent. It's come to an end now and hopefully you will be able to look back at it and be happy for your time together. The heart is very fragile but it does mend so worry not, keep the faith and try not to let your unanswered questions torment you. We cannot make anyone talk, explain or (dare I say) confess things so we need to let go.
If we simply accept that things can happen without any rhyme or reason, we would probably heal a little quicker. That said, don't rush it and give yourself time to grieve the loss of your relationship. I have been in the exact same situation so I will also add that advice is one thing but strap yourself in, it's going to be a very bumpy ride.
One day in the future you will appreciate that this happened but right now I bet that feels impossible. Hang in there.
Over to you.
First of all, I really feel for you... this is a time that is hard to cope with for sure, you will cry and feel sad for a bit. Let that happen and don't rush it or rush into the arms of another person. You need time to figure out what went wrong, not who was to blame but what made it happen, you need to do this so your next relationship can be healthy and happy. You say he won't talk to you, some people do not like uncomfortable conversations, and will avoid them so write him a letter or paint him a picture and get your anger and sadness out. Whether he gets it or not is not the point, it's about healing you. Find something you are passionate about and do it, do what makes you happy and focus on that. I know from experience this storm will pass in time, and you will learn how strong you are, and how able you are to be happy without him, take care, Laurie.
This is such an enchanted time in your life. I realize you may not feel this way now, but just wait and then wait some more. Before you know it you will be 52 years young and reminiscing about the wonderful loves you have had. Your heart will heal and your soul will again glow. This young man may be in need of healing too. One of the greatest gifts is heartbreak. Once you move through the darkness & pain you will have peace and a new outlook. "The gift" is knowing that you have loved & been loved. Many are not so fortunate. You will love again. It is up to you. I envy you. Stacie, WA State.
It’s hard when you realized that a person, who at some point of your life meant everything to you, makes you feel just like another girl. You know very well that what you need to move on, leave the past behind and go on with your life. I know it’s not as easy as it sounds but you will. Start again. Don’t start thinking about what you think you did wrong, don’t regret anything. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. You’ll find somebody else that loves you as much as you will love him. Don’t lose hope in love. Don’t lose your time on a guy that doesn’t deserve you. Love yourself more than you could love anyone. Smile, laugh, enjoy, take risks, be free, be stronger, and be smarter… just live as much as you can.
Have a beautiful life, Lyssete, Peru.
First of all there 0.0001% probability that you love someone but that person doesn't love you and there are hard times when you feel all is lost and gone. It's painful but the thing that keeps a relation true and great is HOLDING ON. You have to hold on for the good times. You should personally meet him and ask him clear and direct. Love is the greatest gift in the world and you shouldn't let it go. Another thing you can listen to Shiver by Coldplay (meanwhile) until things go cooler. Anon.
You didn't tell how long you have been together or you are split now, that could help to answer. There’s an information regarding your ages and jobs - all I can say about that is both of you are individual forceful personalities with ideas of an own career. Just one assumption: maybe making so many plans for a life together was asked too much of you both so soon and your boyfriend felt out of his depth suddenly.
The way he broke it off is very rough and shocking, certainly you want to know the reasons why. Otherwise would an explanation really improve the fact? Explanations in such cases often get close to blaming. Obviously he doesn’t blame you, possibly he can’t explain it for himself. Then his reaction might be more honest as going on in a relationship without having true feelings anymore. An end after a long time of fighting and arguing would not be less painful.
Be prepared for the future, consider how to react if he ever would want to return one day. Though it is hard for you now, don’t suffer from this situation too long: step out with friends, have fun! You have all chances to find your “Mr. Right”. Best of luck! L. Q.
I am sorry to hear that you're being put through this situation. You had strong genuine feelings for this guy, and you learned that he didn't share them very suddenly. It hurts to let love go, but in this case, you don't have much of a choice. It's okay to take your time to collect yourself, it will be difficult, so don't try to rush into things you aren't ready for. I know it doesn't seem like there is any light to be found in this situation, but there is. You said you were a model, so I can that tell you are very beautiful on the outside; but the fact that you have developed such strong feelings to someone show that you are just as beautiful on the inside. One day, someone's going to come along, and he's going to make you feel the same feelings you felt, and he will feel them in return.
Be strong, Bradley H.
I am sorry to hear you are having a bad time at present. I am sure you feel your world has ended but I assure you - you will look back on this a stronger person. If possible talk this out to a counsellor, friend or whoever will listen and after a while you will make sense of this and realise that it wasn't to be. I am a strong believer that what will be will be. However, we make our opportunities happen so if possible take up a new interest and keep busy. The worst thing to take away from this is bitterness, that will just eat away at you. All our experiences are there for a reason. So if you are meant to get together in the future you will if not well let him go - he is not worth it.
all the best and as you are on the cold play website what better way of relieving our sorrow - put on a Coldplay track. All the best Mary.
I think if you really love him search for him and talk to him to understand what happened.
Look for answers, I'm sure there must be a reason, and if you cannot find them, then just let it go.
Remember that your happiness does not depend on anyone but yourself and sometimes it is better to give up something you love before it ends hurting you more. Love yourself; this is just a comma, not a full stop. From now on try to avoid all those things that remind you of him, clear your mind and you'll see how your wounds slowly heal. I’d like to end with a deep phrase from the band:
"But if you never try you'll never know just what you're worth".
Maybe this is a new beginning. Naxalia.
We can't control the hearts and minds of other people, and everyone changes over time. Just remember that you're part of what made that relationship what it was, and that you're worth missing as well. The most you can do is accept change and that things like this happen. Although I do think you deserve closure, you shouldn't wait around for someone who's already moving on with their life. Besides, he might not be ready to talk now. Just as Chris sings "start again a little higher"(UWTB). Happiness and love are everywhere, just look in different places. Pick up the broken pieces. You're really the only one that can put yourself back together and are stronger than you think. Love, Darem.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.