November 2, 2012 - submitted by Anon, United States of America

Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #94
I've been married to someone for many years. Because of his job keeping him away from home a large percent of the time, we pretty much have been living as single people. We are no longer compatible when together even though nothing is really wrong. People think if you're married you should live together. Isn't it possible to have a soulmate yet live apart?


The Oracle replies:

Whatever works I say. It is possible because many people are proving it by doing it. Whether forced or choice (work, war or tour), it can be hard to be apart but if the relationship is solid and the people in it are strong, they can survive it.
Rumour has it that Helena Bonham Carter & Tim Burton have a wing each in their cojoined houses and they have been together 12 years and counting.

The thing is, time apart doesn't seem to be enhancing your time together. It doesn't sound like it's ideal for you. I'm more concerned with if you're happy.
When you are together you say you're no longer compatible. That doesn't sound like your husband is your soulmate to me. I think that could be a result of the distance and maybe it's time to both really make an effort with the little time you do spend together - there's no reason things can't be improved.
Anyway, many people in relationships don't live together and nobody says a thing. I have yet to meet a married couple who don't live together though. It's the "done thing". The concept of marriage is a life long union and to do that in separate places may seem unconventional but you don't seem to have much choice.
I wouldn't worry what people think, it's what you think and feel that's important.
Over to you.

When you marry someone, you love that person, and if you love that person, you want to spend the rest of your life with him. It's not right you marring someone without having that feeling. I'm not advising divorce, I'm advising you to create a dialogue with him, and suggest that you spend some time together. If he loves you, he will give priority to you, not to work. Caique.

It is possible to live far away because well as the saying goes "absence makes the heart grow fonder".
People are human and everyone can get together. Be respectful to him and yourself, be nice and help him with everything - even if it is just a bit. Fondest wishes Johnathan.

Of course it's possible, sweetie! You can have a perfectly good relationship over distance, if you're both in love and are committed to make it work. But if the fact that you and your husband is living apart is bothering you, and you feel like you miss him more than he misses you, it's time to talk about this. I don't know if you've been having trouble with being unfaithful to each other, but that's something that splits up many distance relationships. Of course i don't want to scare you, and create problems in your mind that isn't really existing. I just wanted to give you the opportunities. If you are happy with your way of living apart, then that is great. I wish you to have a long, happy relationship.
And don't listen to other people telling you what to do, you and your husband knows best what works for you.
Love from A, Sweden.


Well I believe that marriage is an amazing thing, you don't just get married for fun. It happens because of love. True love. So in your situation I say that talking to your husband is the only way you can solve this, see what he has to say and say what you need to,to put your mind at rest. But in a gentle manner, no blaming words and have an open mind. He will appreciate your honesty and maybe he never realised that you felt so strongly about the work issue, therefore this will only do good to your relationship. To answer your question I do think it's possible to have a soulmate yet live apart. You just need to communicate and see how long this 'separation' is going to last for, remember the reward of being with him after such a long time is worth the wait. Hope you guys sort it out! True love never fails! Tasneem Joseph, South Africa.

People have always very nice concepts how, where and with whom other people should live. Sometimes we have to tell them that they should attend to their own affairs. The both of you don’t need to be dictated how to live your relationship.
Some couples only need a very short time together for standing a long time apart from each other. After many years living that way there might be some consequential questions for you: Is this separation still necessary and unavoidable? Have you ever expected this would change, is there any disappointment now? Even you felt like living as a single person, you probably knew somebody was there for you. Has anything changed in this feeling, do you feel left more alone now than before? Do you still love him?
At the moment it is time to act, before it goes “really wrong”. You should talk with him about your common future, spend some more time together, try to reanimate forgotten customs and eventually find out if you have actually developed apart from each other so much. Maybe he feels the same as you do and you will find a new way together. To conclude: that soulmate you mentioned is definitively possible, but is it that what the both of you want for the rest of your lives? Good Luck.L.Q.


This is definitely a tough situation, and I can only imagine how hard it must be to not have your husband around. Anon, I do believe that it is possible to have a soul mate that is not around most of the time. However, you saying that you two are no longer compatible does say something. In life, it is always important to be happy with yourself. So if this marriage still makes you happy, then I see no reason why things can't work out. However, if the compatibility issue makes it hard for you to be happy, then stop and think about it for a bit. Though I am not sure, I would be willing to bet that your husband loves you and wishes that he could spend more time with you. You just have to decide whether or not a long distance relationship is something that you can handle because I know from experience that they can be very hard. Therefore, I understand the pain that you must go through and I hope everything works out. ~ Steve, USA.

I want to start by asking you: How do you feel while he’s away? Aside from missing him, are you happy? Do you love him just as much as when he’s there? If the answer to those last two questions is yes, then so is my answer to you. Yes, it is possible to have a soul mate that isn’t always present. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? If you still love him and if you make each other happy regardless, then I believe you can make it work somehow. I wish you all the best and hope that you figure everything out. Good luck. Medina.

Why not?
That might be one of the reasons why many marriages break up by not being compatible anymore.
Maybe you have created a new way of having a relationship, MLA, sounds to me like a modern way of dealing with your life and
your situation. Wishing you all the best, Rames.

For such a complex question, I can only think of a simple answer - follow your heart. This quote by Comte DeBussy-Rabutin sums up my thoughts perfectly "Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great." Personally, I think it is possible to love someone deeply but spend a lot of time apart because of work commitments & in those instances I think that the times you are together would be incredibly special. Love, & life, are both so precious that I really hope you find what works best for the both of you... love Cali.

Are you sure that you and your husband are uncompatible? It may feel that way, but perhaps all you need is to rekindle that spark that brought you together. Everytime your husband returns, have something fun planned for the two of you for the time he is home. This can be a family picnic or a romantic getaway. Create new memories and experience new things when you two have time together. Take comfort in knowing that military families go through the same experience when a spouse is deployed, while other spouses are away on business trips as well. So yes, there are many marriages like yours that continue to thrive! Remember why you two came together, and always cherish those moments when you are. Warm regards, Blake.

It probably is possible but I doubt that life is as rich. Take it from me, I have not found my soulmate and it can be very depressing. You should spend as much time as you can with each other because there are no guarantees, you live apart and run the risk of causing more strain. Remember life before you met your soulmate and ask yourself was that better than this now? I doubt it. Love:(1 Corinthians 13:7) 7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. GGC.

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