October 19, 2012 - submitted by Laura, Netherlands
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #92
Did someone ever break your heart? And how did you get over it?
After a relationship of almost 3 years, my exboyfriend ended it a couple weeks ago. Most of the time I can live in peace with his decision and I know my life doesn't end now, but sometimes it's hard to be alone because I miss him so much. I'd just like to hear some experiences and maybe some advice from other people.
The Oracle replies:
It's natural to miss him after being together for a long time but it's only been 2 weeks and I already think you're handling the situation with maturity and practicality.
My heart has been broken many times - sometimes by my own doing - and each time there have been similarities in the feelings and pain associated. The length of time to recover however, has been very different.
I'm not sure you necessarily always get over a broken heart as much as learn to live with it.
I think if you give it enough time it will return to full working order & you can love and be loved again.
When recovering from a broken heart, it can feel like it's mending but may never quite be the same, almost like it's regenerating to a degree.
Beware of rebound love though it is the fastest way to mend it.
I have to admit that mine isn't quite fixed and the last time it was broken was almost 4 years ago. Yikes!
My heart is still fragile but I believe that when the right person comes along, it will spring back into shape.
Over to you.
The world has a set pattern of chaos, so take comfort in knowing you are never alone in your experiences. People will give you cliché advice like “time heals all wounds,” but things will only get better when you are ready, when you want it to. Don’t hold onto the pain, or anger, or confusion, it will stay for as long as you let it. A healthy heart will heal faster, so surround yourself with family and close friends. Rest easy my friend. Ally.
About ten months ago I passed through the same situation and I can say: it still hurts. But it's different now. People think that if we find someone to "replace" that one who broke our heart everything will be fine but take your time. You have the right to cry, but be angry too (it helps), remember how things weren’t working out anymore. Share your angry with your friends going out in a afternoon. At these moments you discover your friends are there when you need. Rescue yourself doing what you liked to do before you met who broke your heart. Read a new book (chick-lits), look for new songs, be more with your family, watch new movies, travel to a town where you've never gone with him. Avoid contact with him for a while, 'til you're strong enough to realize that he doesn’t fit your life anymore. Nevertheless everything you lived with him, everything you learned with him and all the good moments were just like that because you two were together. (But there will be another meaningful and different moments with another boyfriend someday.) It takes time, but after the pain you'll remember these good things as part of who you’ll become. For NOW try to forget the good moments as a manner of easing your pain, but in the future these good memories will make you learn from this relationship. Trust me, but mainly, trust you. Good luck, Jane, Brazil.
My girlfriend of two years recently split up with me. It crushed me and is still very raw. What hurts the most is losing not just a girlfriend but a best friend.
I try to keep my mind on work and other things but moments, situations and songs all remind me of her. Life goes on but the invisible wound will take time to heal. Mike, London.
Yes, my heart has been broken. I'm still very close friends with the girl I dated because we shared a ton of common interests before our relationship. We still enjoy our friendship and we hang out all the time. Not everyone has this same experience, and some people may become volatile after a relationship ends. If you two are on good terms, perhaps you can still be friends and enjoy each other's company. After a breakup it is best to surround yourself with friends and fun activities. Think about you and improve yourself. Go to the gym, become a volunteer, or take up a hobby. Allow yourself to grow from this experience. And you are right that you realize that this isn't the end. Really, it is the beginning of something new. Warm regards, Blake.
I love that you are able to feel some peace - it’s like a reminder that yes, in time this pain will pass.
I think that when we fall in love we allow the walls around our hearts and lives to crumble, we allow ourselves to become vulnerable.
we share all of who we are which is perhaps why our hearts break when a love has ended... even when a part of us can see that perhaps it is for the best, or that perhaps it was never meant to be... it is the letting go of dreams, of that season, of that love...
Allow yourself to feel, to grieve, to remember... cherish all that you had, all that you shared, all that you learned, all that you dreamed.
In those difficult times gather your close friends around you & have fun, watch comedies & chick flicks, cry on their shoulders, eat ice-cream & chocolate
Write a few songs, poems, paint, create.
Walk in nature, sit by the ocean, look at the stars & night sky.
Nurture yourself, love yourself, celebrate the great love &beauty that your relationship with your ex was... & then gentle your heart, &prepare for the amazing man who has been waiting for, looking for YOU!
My heart was break once.
And i know, never ever again will be healthy as before.
But at now, i'm happy and living my life.
What i did? nothing. We can't do anything to heal our hearts.
But just time can give you distance to the things that hurt you. Hope you get that.
Love, Michalina, Poland.
I was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years. My family is very religious so I had to keep it a secret. When my mother found out she forced us to break up and banned us from ever talking or seeing each other. My mom broke my heart. It's been 2 years since that happened and I got over it by just telling myself its going to be ok; and it was :)
Much love, M.
I, like most people, have suffered from a broken heart. My boyfriend stopped talking to me all together, this past summer. He eventually said we were too alike in nature. I finally ended things when I saw that he was out having fun with a girl he talked down about over the school year. I got over this heartache with the help of a dear friend. He started off by im-ing me. Later we started texting, and he stayed by my side through this. He is the best and I want to thank him. Caitlin.
I know heartbreak can be hard but it takes time to get over someone that you love. Even if you were in a relationship with your boyfriend for 3 years. Try and move on and forget about him. Try and do things that are important to you or try a new hobby. You can also ask your friends to help you out and they can help you get over him by taking you out. I know my experience isn’t exactly the same as yours but once I was madly in love with this girl. I was in love with her for a few months and I didn’t have the courage to ask her out. One day I decided to just ask her out because I knew if I never tried then I would never know and she broke my heart. I asked her online which was a foolish thing to do as she thought it was one of my friends. I then ran into her a week later and she asked if we were still friends. Later that night she started using me to buy her drinks. My friends helped me by telling me that she was using me which made me hurt even more. My friends told me to just get over her as she was causing damage to me as I thought she actually liked me. So I think you should ask your friends because if they won’t help you then they aren’t real friends. James.
Don't do as I did, don't play sad music u should play dance music, u don't cry u force laughter out. In the end you get who u deserve and they are much better people. Experience. Michele. x
Interesting question, one that I am sure everyone or most of us at least, have asked before.
I've personally gone through such an experiences a few years ago.
One thing for sure - only TIME can heal, if you are lucky. It might take you months or years until you're completely over a lost love. It took me two...
So, all you need is time - time to be with yourself, time to explore different things, time to reflect on what happened (almost in a detached state so as to be objective) between the two of you and then some more time to accept that you may never be with that person again. Sometimes it's the hopeless feeling we get that, without them we cannot move on and cannot find happiness again. That was the biggest challenge for me.
Denis, Johannesburg, South Africa.
My ex left me after 7 ½ years to be with someone else. I gave myself 6 months to mourn over the loss & after packed my suitcase & went on vacation to 2 different countries. Now almost 9 months after the breakup I can look back & say that the only way to get over heartbreak is to start loving yourself, discover yourself, the things you like to do, do new things, hang out with friends, work out, make yourself busy, fill your life with new experiences. Discover what drives you. I can honestly say that now I’m at the point that I don’t even want my ex back because I deserve the best type of love and I won’t settle for less. Have fun, become yourself again – sometimes we women give so much of ourselves we get lost in our lover. So worry about yourself, in the bad days remember who you were before you met your ex. Go dance the night away! But I can’t repeat enough LOVE yourself, once you do that, you will not miss him anymore, you will not long for him anymore because you will put yourself first. It’s okay if you still love him, but you need to love YOU more! Heartbreak is very painful, but you can overcome it. Time heals everything but you also need to put some effort. Best of luck!
Nearly two years after a disastrous breakup with my best friend, we reconnected briefly to try again; realizing most of our mistakes were foolish, miscommunicated and the result of being too young. I was able to forgive and forget, however, he was not. As a result, we broke apart again completely and since, we have both moved out of town. Now, nearly a thousand miles away, I miss him in every way. Most days I’m fine, most nights I sit in a puddle of regret hoping he can truly forgive me; in the least, to be friends again or at least more than “hi and bye.”
What keeps me above water is the motivation to be better, to do better and to learn from my mistakes. I do this in hopes that it will reflect in my character. That by doing good, or at least trying, that I'll find good - if that makes any sense. Feel better! Kay, USA.
Listening to Coldplay songs help so much in your life after anything & knowing it's not the end & trying to do good things in your life will help you forget & forgive cause when you give in charity work you will take a lot in return. so try to forget & listen to good music & you will get over your broken heart. Huda.
I've never been in a relationship before, but I've experienced a heartbreak or two.
Getting over it was pretty hard, but I did. What I did was pretty simple, I wrote a letter to my past self, telling her everything I learned from the heartbreak, and what she should expect in the future, when she falls in love and breaks her heart again. I also became optimistic. Everytime I remember the heartbreak, I just kept in mind that that heartbreak happened for a reason. Who knows, you might meet the one for you through that heartbreak. Then you'll later be thankful that heartbreak happened, because if it weren't for it, you won't meet The One.
As for the loneliness? I feel lonely sometimes, especially when I see couples happy together. But I think there are two words that can cure the loneliness: TIME and LOVE. Time will be the judge if you're ready or not to move on. It will only take time for you to feel happy again. Love will keep you from being lonely. Love from your friends, from another guy or from yourself.
I know it's so hard right now, believe me. A few years ago I was absolutely in love with a guy whom had been my friend for many years. When I told him my true feelings, he didn't return them-he also didn't show any sensitivity, and even made fun about it. Not to mention, he began dating my best friend a few weeks later. I was devastated because I lost my best friend and the guy of my dreams.
But looking back, I'm glad it happened. Not only did it make me a stronger person, I was able to find the actual guy of my dreams. We've been together nearly two years, and every day is amazing because of him.
In short, sometimes bad things happen so better things can come. The guy I'm with now loves me and I love him. It did feel like the end of the world, but nothing heals better than time, friends and family, and lots of good food and exercise (trust me on that). I wish you the best. - Mona from Switzerland
We, as humans, strive to live for relationships; it’s the reason why we live and we rely on them so damn much. Because we need relationships so greatly, it is also the reason why they have such a huge impact on us. In your life, you are bound to have you heart broken more than once; so take this as an opportunity to grow. You don’t necessarily need him; you honestly just desire the feeling of having someone there for you. A romantic relationship isn’t necessarily the only type of relationship you have, there are many more relationships that are in your life. So take this advice: stop feeling alone, because you are not alone. You might only feel alone because you’re not paying attention to the little things and the little things can be anything, but overall they fill up your empty spaces. Your ex-boyfriend is now in the past, so let him fade peacefully too. Open your eyes to something new; whether it’s new music, art, the strangers that walk past or even how leaves fall off trees. The world is constantly changing and you should too. Let your ex-boyfriend fade away and the feelings of needing him. Pick your broken heart off the floor and construct something better. Zea.
Did anybody ever broke my heart? Yes
How did I get over it? it just happened by itself, like it wasn't in my own hands.
My broken heart was cured in a dream, in which two green bolts of lights were placed in my chest.
After a relationship of almost 43 years, my father ended it
a couple of years ago, by sudden death.
Most of the time I can live in peace with this occurrence and I know my
life doesn't end now, but sometimes it's hard to be alone because
I miss him so much.
I hope that my experience and sharing this with you will help you
in some way. Love u back, Rames, Netherlands.
It's probably a good thing that it ended. Why? Because otherwise, you may have fallen even more head over heels for someone who, obviously, wasn’t the right guy for you. Heartbreak is devastating, but the aftermath of a break-up doesn’t have to be quite as bad. It’s nice to hear that you have come to terms with his decision. Now you need to come to terms with your new life and simply let him go - once and for all. The most important thing I have learned from my own personal experiences is that there is not point in dwelling on the past. I told myself that over and over again, until it helped me move on. My advice for you would be to do the same. Focus on what’s ahead and try to forget about the past. It’s normal to miss someone and it’s completely understandable. But trust me, the sooner you stop missing him, the better you’ll feel. It’s easier said than done though, so you need to be strong and determined. You can if you think you can! Best wishes, Medina.
Well, the answer is yes and I ended up growing from it. It is extremely lonely when all of a sudden you feel like you have no one to talk to or share thoughts with, but trust me, it will pass. I think society often makes us feel bad about being single because it's seen as a sign that you're unwanted and something is wrong with you. Which isn't right. People constantly change, yet we are conditioned to believe that breaking up or divorce is wrong. These pressures are especially imposed on women because of sexist ideals that project women as being weak or incapable of being independently happy. The truth is that you *can* be just as, or even more happy out of a relationship than in one. You'll most likely end up learning more about yourself like your priorities in life and relationships. Go out with friends, pick up new hobbies and find your passions. Love, Darem.
Listen to Coldplays music. Especially Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall.
Love, Mathilde from Denmark.
Heartbreaks are a time to lean on friends and family, and to sharpen those relationships. Time will heal every broken heart, so constantly find things that will occupy your time and focus your mind off of painful thoughts and memories. Just never forget, there are people who love you. Billy.
Recently, my ex broke up with me. Via text. the day before my birthday. It completely broke my heart, but the way I dealt with it, was focusing on my degree. I'm a student nurse, and whilst on shift, I gain a huge perspective on life. I deal with life and death situations. And although heartbreak is sad & hard to deal with, just know that someone is always worse off. Heartbreak is like bereavement, in time, it doesn't hurt as much. You can look back on memories and smile. You'll find someone else, because life goes on. The thought of being alone used to petrify me, but I focus on other things, my degree, my family, my godson, my best friend. Life is what you make it, and I hope you make yours happy, like I've made mine. Ellie.
I was dating my ex boyfriend ever since my junior year in high school until my first day of sophomore year in college. We were that "perfect couple" everyone thought would be together forever. College made him change his mindset and we broke up because he simply felt it would be best to experience college if he were single. It devastated me at first. I wanted to transfer schools and even though I acknowledged his decision, I felt like I was the one who did something wrong. Now it's been over a year and I can say I am a million times happier than I was back then. Even though he was a good boyfriend it made me realize where my priorities are and that good things leave because better things are to come. My best suggestion for now is to keep busy, listen to music, pick up a new hobby, do whatever makes you, yes YOU, happy. You might feel like the heartbroken feeling is endless now but rest assured, you'll look back in a couple months and see how much you've progressed. Brenda.
I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship 2 months ago.
The whole time I thought I wasn't getting better, but really, I did, I have a lot more happy periods now than I did 2 months ago.
I guess it's gradual. One day, you're going to wake up and realize you're happy, and that you have actually been happy for a long time.
So happy that you didn't even notice you weren't broken anymore.
Time heals. Start living! Go! Sherri.
I, Laura, know how you feel. I too am suffering from a broken heart. My fiancé of 2 years (together for 4) ended our relationship 8 weeks after I gave birth to his son back in march this year. He not only left us but he cheated as well. I unfortunately ended up in hospital with depression.
The most important thing to focus on is yourself. Find out who you are again. You are right, life doesn't end here. It does hurt, but that old saying is that time is a great healer. You don't know what's coming for you around that corner and I wouldn't of known either if I hadn't of picked myself up. Focus on what you have, family, friends. You'll see you are lucky, and that person isn't worthy of your love.
Things are looking so much better now for me and I hope they can for you too.
In most cases, break-ups suck. Some say that there's a certain grieving process people need to go through to get over a break-up, but I say: To each his own. Do whatever feels right to you at any given time. The break-up wasn't your decision so you can allow yourself some free-passes and just do whatever makes you feel good. At least better. Surround yourself with your best friends, get that chocolate cake you've been longing for, listen to Coldplay and cry your eyes out. Whatever helps you bring out your emotions so that you can ponder them and then after a while, you can let them go.
It doesn‘t help anyone to let a break-up linger in your system for a long time though. Stand proud, be confident and you will attract people who are worth your time. Good luck on your journey J.
I think there is no perfect answer, but something like that happened to me.
The remedy for me was go out, meet people, friends, do activity I forget to do when I was with him.
And all that makes me born again, I was not the same, I lived again and I realised that the relationship I had wasn't corresponding to what I really am, I had changed being with Him.
As I said before there is no magic potion, each one has his own remedy, the difficulty is to find it ; so try everything you can: read, watch TV go out, open you mind to the world, you will see it's full of beautiful things.
With that and with the time all the wound can be cared. Friendly, Aurélie.
How do you fix a broken heart? you dont....you learn to let go.
I can tell you my recipe:
- Change your house, redecorate
- Change your clothes, update
- Never ever change your hair
- Go out more, do things you wanted to but never did.
- Don't get depressed to be alone, it's better alone sometimes
- Give life the opportunity to amuse you
- Hang with friends, old, new, whatever
- Do not make contact at all, if you continue talking, seeing or having any kind of bond with the other it's really hard to put an end on it.
- And last but not least always rememeber: if you let go..... THE NEXT ONE IS ALWAYS BETTER! trust me. Gabriela.
I wouldn't be able to give advise if I haven't been heartbroken before. Yes, more than 2yrs ago I broke up with my bf and yes, it was one of the hardest decisions that I had to make but it needs to be done because the relationship is not worth it anymore. But after we broke up what helped me a lot is doing the things that I love the most. The things that is all about ME. Not the things I do with him or for him, but doing things I love for me. It made me realize my worth and what I am capable of doing and what I really wanted. It made me know myself more and see beyond my imperfections. And yes, I prayed a lot. Prayed so hard and always had the faith that everything will pass. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR MORE THAN ONE REASON. And now looking back, I feel blessed that my heart was once broken. Christine.
Getting your heart broken can be the most devastating thing, but it is not the end of the world. After my ex ended it with me after 4 years I decided to take a year to find myself. I separated myself from pretty much everyone. To accept all the things in my life that had changed, to remember what it's like to be independent, to make myself happy and be sure of where I stand with myself & others. I just needed time to myself. I can proudly say I over came many obstacles I thought I wouldn't be able to & that I'm genuinely happy with myself & proud of how far I've come. It's always great to have a selected few you can vent to in those hard times when you miss that person, but I wish you the best of luck, you can get through it.
Love, Lili, California.
I know it's hard to get over someone, especially when you've been in a relationship for 3 years.
Then, now I can say that there are more fish swimming in the sea, but I'm sure you've heard that before. And usually, it doesn't help either, as the only guy you want is that special someone you've been with for 3 years. You just have to move on, just go on with your life, go to work, go to the gym. Distract yourself from the love sickness and meet new people. That's just all you can do for now I guess...
And then later, you can think about the proverb again, because it's true:
Er zwemmen meer vissen in de zee!
Greets, Eline, The Netherlands.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week’s question. Great to see so many new faces. In case you didn't know, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's, and send us your answer.