October 5, 2012 - submitted by Keith, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #90
I'm currently 16 and there is a girl I've liked on and off since I was about 14. We had both liked each other for a while but she drifted away. She's now had a boyfriend for almost 10 months. Recently she came to me and told me that I should play guitar and she should sing at a school event. I was very open to it but then she said that she and her boyfriend are both going to sing it. The lyrics are about being deeply in love with each other.
If I accompany them for an event that would potentially bring them closer together am I betraying my own feelings? This is really tough for me to explain and I hope I'm getting my point across. I just want advice on if it's worth doing this for my friend and crush and possibly bring her and her boyfriend to a whole new level, or should I back out and hope one day I'll have my chance with her. I'm so conflicted with this I don't even know if I'm making sense. Please give me some advice just to get my own thoughts straight so I can decide.
The Oracle replies:
I know it's hard to see someone you have feelings for with someone else. I'm sure most of us have experienced that at one time or another.
I don't think it will be good for you to play guitar while they sing to each other. Not because you'll be bringing them closer - they have been together for 10 months, it's irrelevant - nor because of betraying your own feelings. I just think it will be difficult for you and why put yourself through something that you won't gain any joy from?
You two had a chance together and it didn't work. I can't predict whether another chance will come again with her in the future but for now, you need to accept she is with someone else and if you truly do see her as a friend, you have to support that choice and be happy for her.
If you can't, I'd argue you can't be friends with someone you have unrequited love for.
I do understand and have felt similar pain & frustrations in the past but I assure you if this girl isn't for you, another is.
Over to you.
I’m sorry to hear about your tough situation, Keith. My first piece of advice would be to try and move on from this crush. I know that it’s easier said than done. But trust me when I saw that waiting around for someone is, more often than not, very bad for you. Instead of thinking that you someday may get a chance with her if you wait, just try and live your life without those thoughts in your head. If the two of you are meant to be together, eventually it will happen on its own. If not, then it just isn’t right. Maybe someone better is right around the corner - you never know… Secondly, I would advise you to do the school event because it might turn out to be more fun than you think! But if you don’t feel up for it, then don’t participate. Just don’t back out for the wrong reasons. This couple might be together for the rest of their lives and you can’t spend that much time waiting. As I said, live your life and focus on everything positive you have going for you. That was what I did when I struggled with a problem very similar to yours, and it helped me move forward. I’m sure you can do the same if you set your mind to it. You can move on if you want to, I promise. If there is a will, there is a way! Good luck. Medina.
There are several larger factors in what determines the outcome of a relationship, and something as small as one school event will most likely not take them to a "whole new level". The two of them will probably sing together, regardless of your choice. If you decline her offer, she will most likely find someone else to accompany her. So the question is, do you want to be there for her? She must think a lot of you if she asked you to play for her, so keep that in mind! It's important you don't think of this accompaniment as bringing them closer together, as there are much larger factors that will determine the outcome of their relationship. Instead, think of it as you doing something kind for her. Best of luck, Blake.
I know what you're going through mate and even though it hurts not being with her, it feels better to help her out because if she's happy, aren't you happy? I know it seems like you're driving her away but by helping her out, you're getting close to her as a friend so if anything happens she'll have you to fall back on. And don't think that she's using you because if you don't tell her, she won't know. Regardless though Keith, just do it. It might not seem like it now, but in the long run, you'll be able to say that you've done something selfless. I hope all goes well for you Keith!
It's a very hard decision because it would be even harder to control your feelings once you tell her that you are doing it and will find them even closer.
From my experiences, I would say that depends a lot upon you, Keith. If you are ready to take a distance from her after seeing that you will have no chance after this and you think you will have enough strength to see them even closer and want to do something for her because you still want to be friends with her as you still have feelings if I am not wrong, You're clearly stressed about this. Nobody knows your girlfriend better than you, you might feel hurt but I'd say. If she just wants a favor, do it man and don't look back what you should have done or what you shouldn't have. Just let her breathe her own space as long as she likes it. If she really loves you, she will come back. If you have been kind and good to her always, you deserve it back. She will realize what she is missing. Let her feel your absence for a while but that doesn’t mean you have to cut out. Being friends will hurt, take distance if necessary. Don't hurt yourself too much! Won't be easy! Follow what your hearts says and how you will feel later on. Good luck.
I know exactly where you're coming from; I'm your age and have a similar history with a guy. I know you want to help her out, but if your heart is breaking while they're singing this song I don't think you should accompany them. You would be, as you said, betraying your own feelings. Why put yourself through the torture of watching them sing a song about being in love? It doesn't mean you're not any less her friend, rather, you care so much that you simply can't let yourself. Whether or not you accompany them, don't give up hope for her. I know I'm young, but I think one of the biggest mistakes a person can make when it comes to love is giving up. You may have to wait a long time, but if you really love her than time doesn't matter. To quote Amsterdam, "Time is on your side, it's on your side now, not pushing you down and all around, it's no cause for concern." One day we may both get our chances.
Best wishes, Marina
I’m almost 16 myself too, and you know what? I am in the same situation as you are.
I have also been in love with someone for 2 years straight, but he wasn’t in love with me. I accepted that and remained friends with him. I kept saying to myself I wasn’t in love with him, but I found out that was not the truth when he got a girlfriend. I became very jealous and tried to avoid him, which wasn’t easy as he was my friend. I decided I couldn’t let our friendship die because of jealousy, and started hanging out with him again. That’s when I saw how happy the two of them were. Even though I loved him, I felt so happy for him. He had such a sweet girl, I just couldn’t feel jealous anymore.
Keith, I know it is hard to accept she has someone else, but I think if you bring them closer together, you should be proud. She is your friend, you care about her, you should be happy she has a boyfriend who makes her feel good. Now don’t think you’re selfish because you want her to be in love with you and not someone else, because in the end, everyone wants the best for themselves. And this may sound cliche, but if it’s meant to be, you’ll eventually be brought together. Love, Eline. The Netherlands.
I’m not sure about the girl’s motivation and want to list possible cases:
1.She wants to play around or make you jealous. Attention!
2.She has absolutely no idea that you could still have feelings for her. Then you should not behave as if you had none, refuse or try to ask her why she has just chosen you.
3.They simply have found no better guitarist. Then try to concentrate on the performance but forget her.
In the end it might be one of your last chances to talk with her at all and to find out why she had drifted away then. Best wishes. L.Q.
First of all, thanks for sharing with us.
Let's get this also straight, you are really making sense, we can imagine what
you are going through.
You are confronted with the problem of all problems, the in-love situation.
Whatever you decide, it will be your choice.
What could be of help is, that she knows about your feelings for her.
If she doesn't know yet, try telling her, and explain how difficult it is for you.
Say yes, that you will do it for them both, because you are a good friend who wishes them both all the best.
That's who you are, thoughtful, full of help and love for other people!
However, if I look in my crystal ball for you (not that I have one, but just in a manner of speaking).
Take a few deep breaths and let your guitar do the talking on stage.
Just go for it (for her that is).
That's the problem for us guys, there is no other way,
we simply have to fight for her love.
Sincerely yours, Rames.
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