September 14, 2012 - submitted by Sofia, Portugal
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #87
I really have a problem. I had a boyfriend and we broke up but he still have feelings for me. And honestly our past it's not the best. We used to have huge fights and really complicated moments. Sometimes I really felt wrong.
And because of it my friends think it's more healthy for me if we never get back together. I used to suffer a lot but we also had great moments.
We had been together for almost 4 years and it's hard for me not having someone by my side for anything and because of it I think I miss him but I don't know if that's love.
Should I move on and change my life and became independent and strong and find someone really good to me or should I go back to him? What should I do to this confused heart ?
Thanks for answering from the bottom of my heart.
The Oracle replies:
It's only hard 'now' not to have someone by your side but that doesn't mean it always will be or that he's the right someone. You will get used to it and my advice is - get used to it. If you can be happy on your own you will find that when you meet someone you want to share your life with, it will enhance it rather than complete it.
I'm an old cynic and as much as I do love the romantic notion of "the one" and falling in love, I have come to realize over time the importance of self.
It's natural to miss him after 4 years but as you question, that's not necessarily love. It may have been at one time but love can fade. It could be that your feelings are based on habit, familiarity or feeling safe in what you know.
The relationship didn't sound like a healthy, happy one so I would heed your friends' advice too.
Becoming strong and independent is the way forward and when you achieve that, you will find the rest will fall into place.
Over to you.
I am sorry to hear that you've broken up with your boyfriend, and more so to hear that you had been arguing. On one side arguing means that you're comfortable enough with each other to be honest with one another, but then people can also say really hurtful things that they don't mean, especially in the heat of the moment. The extent to which you were arguing however wasn't healthy and it was making both of you unhappy. I can understand why your friends say its better if you didn't get back together with him because things can easily slip into old ways and even if you did address the underlying issues people are a force of habit and change does not come so readily for some. It all comes down to whether you think the relationship is worth salvaging, you said yourself that you don't know whether what you two had was love. I think its an excellent idea for you to gain independence as I expect coming out from a relationship like that leaves you a bit vulnerable. You say you miss having him there all the time; maybe you two just need space from each other, its another thing that causes tension in all kinds of relationships. Whatever you choose to do just be happy and sure of yourself.
Best wishes, Naomi.
When it comes to love, first of all, there is never an easy answer. Just realize that all these questions come from the mind.
The heart is the one, who has no questions, for the heart is in the position of
knowing. The mind controls no action, it's just the interpreter.
So going back to your boyfriend won't be a decision but an action, again, just because the heart is never confused.
Your heart is the dealer, your mind is the player.
It's a normal thing to keep having feelings for your partner, because you are
cherishing the good things you two have had together. The same goes for him.
Moving on with your life and becoming independent is always a good thing to do.
Going back, can be good sometimes, but most of the time, the road lies ahead. Even if, sometime in future, you would completely forget about him, there is still a big chance that he will still remember you.
That's the strange way this thing works, that what we call love. And the hope to find it, is keeping us all going. Rames.
I think you should become strong, after four years of being together it is not positive a break. Take time and let your confused heart to be sure again. Paola.
In love you will not always be happy. While love is beautiful it is also about giving and taking and within love or any relationship you will encounter fights. But they should not be constantly going on. If your boyfriend made your life stressful and made you upset most of the time it is unhealthy for you to be together. If you are constantly at battle with one another and the happy moments are barely there then you need to take a break at least. It hurts, it really does but in the end this is probably for the best. It seems selfish to walk away if he still has feelings but there is a time where pain and stress are unbearable and you need to put yourself first. Step in and tell your heart you need a break, the stress and sadness will fade eventually. If you two are really meant to be fate will bring you together and you will be happy, but this can only be if you can find a way you can be together without constantly fighting. Love should not enslave you, it should be something that sets you free. I think you should start a new independent life for right now, it will do you good. I hope whatever decision you make works out for you, stay strong.
Sarah, United States.
This is definitely a tough situation and I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. I honestly think that you should to find it in yourself to move on, learn from your past and become a stronger person. As the saying goes, "there are plenty of fish in the sea". I'm sure the RIGHT person is out there. One who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated all the time, and not just some of the time. You don't deserve to be in a relationship where you are suffering and feel like you are wrong. And yes there might have been some positive moments, but that is not enough to back to this guy. Keep your head up and go out there and find a guy who will treat you like a princess and make you feel special every day. Stephen.
I know what it's like to be in that sort of relationship. It's normal to fight in every relationship but if you feel like the relationship is unhealthy and adds stress to your life its not worth it. These are the types of things that shape our character and makes us stronger. Though your path is unclear at the moment, maybe you should take time to think about what you gained throughout the 4 years you were together. Maybe write some pro's and con's. I hope you find someone that makes you truly content. Have a great week. Alexa.
I more then understand your confused feelings. Try to find out for yourself if you'd go back to him 1) because you don't want to be alone or 2) you really love him....
Don't bother yourself with the opinion of your friends. You can take them into account but they can not decide for you. In the end it's important what you feel. It's your life and your decision. If you still love him and you want to go back, remember that every relation suffers "bad times" and everyone can change! Success! Annette.
I believe that you broke up for a reason and that it may not be the best thing to return to him and to that relationship. I understand that you might miss him because of the good moments you shared, but based on what youíve said, I donít think you miss him as much as you miss the idea of having someone. For that reason, my personal advice would be to try and move on. I am sure there is someone better out there for you. Ultimately, you are the one whoís going to have to live with the choice you make, but my personal advice would be to just put him behind you. Stay happy and positive, take care of yourself and everything else will work out. I wish you all the best. Love, Medina.
Life gives us many challenges that we must face; love is one of nature's complications that we still struggle to understand. If the two of you have been together for four years, you must have had a stable enough relationship to get through the obstacles most couples can't endure. That is a relationship to be proud of. On the other hand, if your friends think it best for the two of you to part ways, I wouldn't completely ignore their advice.
If you decide to leave, try to stay friends. He must have been a sweet, likeable guy to have been in a relationship with you in the first place. It sounds like all you need is space for now. If you can keep him as a friend, you won't run into relationship-type problems, but he will still be there for you. If that's not in your best interests, it may be best to move on. We do, after all, fall down so we can learn to pick ourselves up.
And if a break is all you need, and can find happiness with each other once again, all the more to you.
Regardless of your decision, good luck to the both of you. Matthew.
The fact that you are asking the question as to if or not you should get back with your boyfriend means you are already considering a life without him. Relationships are not like they are in the movies, by any means, but when you are in a good, healthy relationship it is wonderful and you try your best to make the other person happy. You deserve to be happy and it sounds as though your friends agree that he is not the one for you! You already know what you need to do, ask your friends for their support and start to build a new life for yourself. It won't be easy and you will miss him, but just don't rush back into a relationship with him or the cycle will just continue over and over and life is far too short for that. The good times should definitely out-weigh the bad. Give yourself a chance to be happy on your own and you never know what opportunities will present themselves. You can do it! Start by creating a list of steps to get you to your new life, they can be as simple as arrange a regular night out / in with a good friends. Good luck from Leash, Australia.
I used to have a very tumultuous relationship. We would fight and he put me through serious heartache. But, people change, grow, and sometimes you find that you forgive those heartbreaks, become wiser from them, and then you are able to keep loving. You know that you love that person so much for who he/she is that you will try to work through your differences instead of severing your relationship. What is important is that you make sure you both foster mutual respect and love. That guy and I went on to get married, but by the time we did, we were both very different people. Our love was very different too--it was kinder. We knew that the last thing either of us ever wanted was to hurt the other or to make the other feel wrong within his/her person, at his/her core. The things we initially loved about each other were still there, but itís as if you just teach each other how to be better at loving. There are relationships that start off in love but never find that communication and they break down. I cannot say what you should do either way because only you know if you love each other. But, I can say that you should never stay in a relationship where the other person is continually hurtful and shows no determination to change. Healthy relationships need conscious love, respect, and kindness. Take care, Susannah.
Thanks to all those who wrote in with their replies. Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's question, and send us your answer.