July 20, 2012 - submitted by Vanna, United Kingdom
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #80
My dad was in a really bad car accident and injured his brain, he was in a coma for a month and slowly came out. Now doing just amazing but I can't help to notice he's not really acting like himself.
My dad is my best friend in the whole world, he's been with me through everything: my mom leaving me to go do drugs, (they weren't together, I was a mistake, stay away from gin kids) our house catching on fire, both my step mom and him didn't have a job, me going to some shelter for a month then to live with my cousins who were mean to me then moving up to the mountains about two months after the wreck on April 19th. I'm only 12. He's been there even when I drive him up the wall with Coldplay, he's still been there.
I feel extremely weird telling some strangers about my life but I was just hoping you could give me some advice on what to do.
Please answer me back it would mean a bunch!
The Oracle replies:
Vanna, I admire your strength - and sense of humour - when you've been through so much.
I can't imagine how you're coping with the aftermath of your dad's accident but focus on how great he's doing.
A friend of mine was in a car accident and lay in a coma so while I can relate somewhat to your situation, I can't empathize; it wasn't my dad. I won't lie, it was tough but that friend defied all doctors and made a great recovery. He was a changed man and I've never known anyone appreciate life more (until I met my friend who had her legs blown off in the 7/7 London bombings).
Life throws its crap at us and all we can do is accept, cope and adapt to the changes.
The road to recovery will be a long one and it will be hard for you as the roles have partly reversed in that you're looking out for him now. Your dad may never be the same person he was but he'll still be there for you in whatever way he can.
Rehabilitation after such a serious accident can be slow and very frustrating (for you both) but he'll always be your best friend.
You've still got each other but your patience will be tested. The best you can do is treasure your relationship but don't see it as one that's gone - but one that's changed.
Over to you.
Going through something like this while still being so young and innocent is devastating. All the suffering and pain that you had to experience have affected on you in one way or another and will influence your life for a long time. I understand that telling personal stories like yours is not easy at all and I really cherish the fact that you've trusted so I'll try to give you some advice about your problem.
First of all you don't have to show your dad that you see something different with him. Try to talk about your best memories together and show him how much they really mean to you. Also tell your father that all support and love he has shown during your hardest moments can't be replaced with anything else and that your relationship means the world to you and will always keep you strong. Hearing such heartfelt and personal words, your dad will see all your love and concert about him and that will make him feel free to talk with you about his feelings. He'll realize that he can share everything with you and thus your relationship will stay strong and indestructible.
I hope that your dad will feel better after your talk with him and all that will remain from your past will be the support and love you've showed to each other. Anon.
I can relate somewhat to your situation. My dad, who was also my best friend, was battling depression. His whole outlook on life was so different than it used to be. It took an emotional toll on me as well but I always felt obligated to keep my emotions to myself, because I didn't want to upset him. I really didn't have too many people to turn to considering that he was my only parent living and I wasn't close to my family. Over time, things did get better though, because I didn't lose hope for him. Try talking to your dad about things that he enjoys and that you like too. Don't give up, just bond with him, even though things might not be exactly how they used to, you will find that everything happens for a reason, you might just form an even better relationship. He loves you, and you love him, and even if it seems impossible, in the words of Coldplay "Everything's not lost". Victoria.
I'm sure your dad would agree that you are certainly not a mistake. I'm really sorry to hear that you've been through so much at such a young age. It sounds like you really miss your dad and need him to be there for you right now, which is completely understandable. However, it's going to take time for both of you to feel comfortable again because of all the changes you've had in your life. Especially if he's just now feeling better. You mentioned your step mom and if you're close to her at all, I think you should talk to her, go to her and tell her how you're feeling. I'm sure she might feel very similar and might be a comfort to you. Try to be patient with your dad, he needs you right now too. I'm sorry I cant do more for you, but I wish you the best. Love, Darem.
My first advice would be: even though it might sound silly and motherly, try to be a bright student at school, paying attention to the different subjects and do the homework. So, when you grow up and get your degree, you will be free to choose what to do in life and live it steadily.
My second advice would be, sometimes we don't choose the circumstances of our lives. So just take it if you can't change it. Thanks to God your dad is now okay and you can give him all your love and enjoy your time with him. Concentrate on the good side of everything.
And thirdly, spend time with your friends. Laugh along with them, share stories, play games, be mischievous (in a innocent way of course).
All my love, Caro.
From what I can tell, you are a very strong 12-year-old person. Expressing your situation through people of similar musical interests is a brave thing to do. I really hope that your past situations have brought you in becoming a prudent and well-respected human being. As for your father, this situation is quite difficult. Many near death experiences have changed people in their lifetime whether good or bad. The best thing that you can do is assure him that he is loved by you because we need to be told that we are loved and cared by others. I feel that he just might be in shock. Not having to experience one month of life outside the hospital bed is pretty dramatic. I suggest that when the time is right, you should set him aside and talk to him. Tell him your thoughts and how you feel about your relationship. Tell him about your life. Show him that you care by spending time with him. Remember to stay calm throughout the whole process. I bet he would really appreciate it. Overall, just don't panic. The shining light that you are will guide him home (I've been listening to the X&Y album lately). As for your financial situation, make sure that you motivate yourself to be in positive thought, for it will reflect your lifestyle. My prayers will be sent out to you and stay strong. Liku.
Thanks to those who replied. Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's question, and send us your answer.