June 8, 2012 - submitted by Cosette, France
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #74
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that he thought this other girl was pretty, and we got in a minor fight about it, but it all ended well. But just a few days ago, I thought I heard him say something like 'she was pretty', I again got mad. He didn't have to say it, even though he was thinking it, ya know? But it turns out he said something else entirely and I had misheard. Now he's very angry with me because he thinks I don't trust him when he says he doesn't like another girl. I feel so ashamed and I love him dearly and had made a huge awful mistake. I don't know who else to go to, and I can't let such a mistake turn into a huge fight that ruins our relationship, which had been going steady for almost a year and a half. I just can't do that. Can you spare some advice to fix this mistake?
The Oracle replies:
Cosette, you made one mistake based on something that had upset you; don't be too harsh on yourself. On the one hand it's ok to feel mad when your boyfriend says someone else is pretty but on the other, he didn't say he fancied her, prefers her to you or is about to run off with her. If you've been together a year and a half and this is the first time he's done it, don't panic, it was an insensitive observation. I wouldn't like it either by the way, so you're not alone.
If you feel insecure about other people's good looks and your boyfriend commenting on them, that is the issue you must deal with here.
Why does it bother you? Is it because you fear he will leave you? Let me tell you something... he is more likely to leave if you accuse of him of things and mistrust him.
Try to work out why you feel this way. If it is because your self-esteem is low, you'll need to work on that.
The good news is your boyfriend is going out with YOU not the girl he though was so there's obviously something special about you that he likes. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt your feelings but if he does it again, gently tell your fella that you're uncomfortable hearing comments about other girls but trust him.
If someone is pretty, it's a shame we can't acknowledge that with our girl/boyfriends. I think because she is "real" and not a singer, actor or model is probably making it threatening to you.
For the relationship to last you need to be able to communicate your fears to him but you also need to trust him or else it will fall apart.
Over to you.
Well I have to say that you did screw up on 2 things. 1 is that you couldn't get over the fact that he said one time that he thought 1 other girl then you was pretty. And 2 you shouldn't have to get so upset over things just agree or disagree but don't blow it out of proportion just say what's on your mind and don't yell. And one other thing, say that your boyfriend said an actress was pretty would you get mad? I hope I helped and didn't make you mad and if I did I'm very sorry but I'm around a yelling family most of the time and I hate it so just breathe!
Alright, remember, the first things to do is "Don't panic",(sorry, I can't help the refrences, it is a coldplay site after all...) and be calm when you talk to him. When you do see your boyfriend, you need to let him know that your just worried about losing him, about having someone take him away. He just doesn't want to look like he's trying to go off with someone else, that's why he's angry. He doesn't see that you are just afraid. You need to show him that you trust him, that you can let him live his part of life with peace of mind, knowing that you believe in him, and understand him. If he truely likes you, he'd understand, but try not to overdue the apology. just make sure to let him know that you totally and securely trust the guy, and it'll be like it never happened. Knowing it will work out, your friend, J.
It seems that you are misjudging your boyfriend, you have no reason to get angry at him for calling a girl pretty. Acknowledging someones beauty is doesn't mean he prefers her over you, he's in a relationship with you because not only does he consider you beautiful, but he's in love with you. I'm encouraging you to ease up on him, and just remember that he may say another girl is pretty, but he'd take you over them any day. Just apologize, and tell him that you didn't mean to blow up at him, and just lighten up, you don't want a conflict to cloud your relationship like this.
Best wishes, Bradley H.
It seems like all that occurred between the two of you is a misunderstanding. Your boyfriend should understand your frustration when he openly admits finding another girl pretty or attractive. However, he shouldn't be angry with your reaction, especially if you misheard him. Let him know that what you heard was different from what he said, and that his anger is stemming from a simple miscommunication. It's silly for such a small mistake to blow out of proportion. Give him time to find his bearings, and he will come around. Warm regards, Blake.
The two of you are in a committed relationship and when something like this comes up, the best thing to do is just apologise. Tell him how sorry you are and how afraid you are that this would come between you. If you two are meant to be together, something like this will definitely not stand in your way. Everybody makes mistakes. You know that, he knows that. So just talk to him and it will be okay. Sincerely, Medina.
It may not be about trusting him as much as it might be about the amount of confidence you have in yourself. This can cause a lot of problems, especially when you have a lot to lose. You didn't say a lot about when or how he said the girl was pretty, and I think it also depends on who it is, but I'd try not to worry about it. There are a lot of good looking people out there, and I think you should be able to be honest about it. Him thinking someone is pretty, doesn't necessarily mean he likes that person, he might not even know her, and think she's attractive. You've been together for some time, my guess is, he likes you a lot. Try to remember that. I guess it does depends on your relationship, so you should really just talk about what bothers you or not. In the end though, you're going to have to shove all insecurities aside if you want to move on from this. Hope it works out for you. Love, Darem.
Do you look at other guys and think they're good looking? If you do I guess we could say the problem is the saying it out loud. It's funny really how we can get upset over such things because it's natural as humans to look at others and have an opinion based on looks. I'd be more worried if there was a female friend he has who you didn't feel was a threat to you in the looks department but who made him laugh loads and he talked about all the time! Looks are just looks, so unless it was a deeper comment about a person, I'd say - don't worry about it.
Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question.
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