May 25, 2012 - submitted by Gavin, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #72
I've been really depressed lately. I'm 20 years old and had my first kiss, and subsequent kisses thereafter for almost 2 months with a girl. Thing is, she really really liked me, but the entire time we were together, I could never figure out if I liked her or not. In fact, the first time she asked me to kiss her, I said no. I just wish I would have stopped it there, but I tried the relationship even though I wasn't sure about her. When it ended peacefully, I was fine. But now a couple weeks later I think back on it and regret everything. I feel like I gave a part of myself away for someone that I don't really like. It was my first time living at college away from home, so it was a stressful period, but that shouldn't be an excuse for seeking physical comfort from someone I wasn't sure about. Now I can't stop thinking about it and am truly depressed.
The Oracle replies:
Gavin, it's truly admirable you care so much about your well-being in matters of the heart but I think life is a journey fraught with choices, dilemmas and challenges to face. Sometimes it's hindsight that makes us see that we made a bad decision. We haven't got a crystal ball to help us so we have to take it on the chin and put it down to experience.
I know we can't go back and change the past but we can learn and move forward from it. You now know that you're not prepared to give of yourself unless you really have feelings for a person.
It sounds like you were under a certain amount of pressure not just from your new situation and surroundings, but the girl in question.
Don't worry that if when you meet the right girl your regrets rear their head again, you don't need to punish yourself.
From what you have said, you have handled it well in my opinion. It ended amicably and you've nothing to feel bad about. I'm sure we all have regrets of some kind. My Mum used to have a phrase that drove me mad when I was young but I now see the sense in it: "It's all part & parcel of growing up".
Over to you.
Sigh, physical affection strikes again. This is something that happens to people who don't always see the results of their actions straight away. When distracted by things like work, school, or other activities that raise your stress level, you unconsciously try to find a way to make yourself feel better, stronger, and happier. In your case, making a relationship. This is not drastically as much your fault as you may think, by a long shot. Having never gone down that far in a relationship before, I am certain you weren't entirely sure what you were supposed to feel. Everyone feels that need for relation. Don't pull yourself so down and ruminate in grief over it. Just feel glad you got off at peaceful terms, not everyone has that kind of luck. Now though, you have the experience, so be watching yourself a little bit closer from now on. Make sure you don't go so far down a road that the way back is indecipherable. But remember, Everything's Not Lost (another great song!), you just need some time, meditation, and/or some rest and I promise you'll understand what you had done. And, hopefully, get into a relationship you do wish to stay in! Best of luck to you. Your friend, J.
The best thing you can do is be sincere with her and say that you're not sure, that you feel lonely away from home and she has to know that maybe you have no strong feelings for her and perhaps the loneliness brings you to accept kissing her and it's better that she knows the way you feel. Women do prefer the truth and if you open your heart to her she'll understand and give you more time and space to think about it. Luna.
You should stop thinking about her. If you didn't really like her that means you didn't really give part of yourself away. Natalie.
I used to be as deep and emotional as you are. I used to think carefully about every single move I made and its consequences. Now I decided to go with the flow. And you know why? Because I realized that by thinking too much about my actions was hurting me badly. I used to be a little bit like a philosopher, always looking for drama with myself it seemed. I used to be depressed too. So what I recommend you is... let it be. You did nothing wrong by kissing this girl. Don't look for cons cause there mustn't be any. I'm sure you just wanted to try something new. You were merely trying to find out if you liked her. And you realized that after all you didn't. As long as there's no one hurt here there's nothing to be worried about. So relax, chill, enjoy life as much as you can. Don't go back on the things you did. The past is done. From now on look at the present and choose what you wanna do. And never ever regret things cause you won't go back in time to undo it. Peace and love, Caro.
Even though you say you didn't like her at all, you decided to go out with her, which means a part of you might have been curious to see if you could like her, if you tried to like her. There's something in you that told you to give it a chance with her, whether you admit it or not - because you did. It's easy to feel regretful after a relationship that didn't work out, but I think it's important to remember that now you know. At least you gave it a try, so you won't have to worry about not even giving it a chance. If you really were not interested in her at all, then I think you're bound to feel a bit bad about the whole thing. Especially because then you'd not just thrown away your kisses, but also thrown away hers on someone that didn't even like her. You should have been honest with her from the beginning; and might just be feeling guilty now. I realize loneliness probably drove you to do it, but you can't take it back at this point. You can always learn from experiences and know that next time if you don't feel it, you shouldn't fake it. Hope you feel much better. Love, Darem.
Sometimes in life, we do things that we later on realise maybe we shouldn't. That's normal for everyone. The good thing about mistakes, though, is that you learn from them. Personally, I have this motto in life: "If you never try, you'll never know." (Yes, it's from Fix You). So, I think that it was good that you gave it a shot, instead of maybe one day thinking "what if". I hope that you can realise that if you don't make mistakes, life won't teach you any valuable lessons. You can't take back what has already happened, but you can stop it from haunting you forever. Just try and put it all behind you - if there is a will, there is a way! I wish you all the best. Medina.
Don't regret your decisions about this relationship for a second. There's no need to beat yourself up about being "sure" about starting a relationship with her. We can never be truly sure about relationships until we try our hand at it. If you never try, you will never know.
You are much better off seeing your feelings through in a relationship than leaving her behind and thinking about what could have been. Since you pursued it, be happy that you discovered your true feelings!
Stay positive about it and remember what you learned during this relationship so that you can make your next more comfortable. Warm regards, Blake.
Thanks for all your replies. Calling all readers, Team Oracle is open to any and everyone so if you fancy replying, click to read this week's question, and send us your answer.