February 24, 2012 - submitted by Emma, Australia
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #60
I have this friend whom I'm very very close with. We've expressed feelings for each other too. Problem is he lives about 2 hours away and we're both young so I only see him when he comes up every two or so months. Which hasn't been a REALLY big problem until recently. He has ALOT of work and I understand that but, after two weeks of virtually no contact and not even a happy birthday (which I'm especially hurt by) and me making calls and calls all going to voice mail. I've tried telling him to call me back but he never does. And it's so sudden it's not like him at all! My question is, do I give up and leave him be? Thanks Oracle. Emma, Australia.
The Oracle replies:
I don't want to be condescending but it's common, especially when we're young, to have romantic feelings for our friends of the opposite gender.
I also have friends who are sometimes too busy to call but if they ignored my birthday, ignored my calls and messages I'd begin to question how good a friend they are. Friendship is a two way thing and if you're now finding that it's become one sided, I'd have a think about whether you'd put up with this if you didn't have strong feelings for him. So, usually this is where I'd suggest writing a letter but I am not going to. If absence really makes the heart grow fonder, he's certainly not showing it. It's up to you how to proceed but for what it's worth I think that yes, give up and leave him be. He'll probably notice you more by your absence. Let him make the next step and if he doesn't; move forward with your real friends.
Over to you.
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I honestly believe you have to put this guy out of your mind, not out of your life completely, but don't dwell on him. He is obviously not giving you as much thought and concern as you are giving him and that is a major sign that he doesn't deserve you. You mentioned that you are young and when we're young we have a tendency to believe that our current situation seems hopeless and all-consuming but in a few months you will be able to look back and consider it a learning experience. The fact that he has stopped contacting you and didn't even wish you a happy birthday, makes me question how genuine the feelings he previously expressed towards you honestly were. I'm not saying he's a bad person or he doesn't want to be your friend anymore, but right now he's not acting in a way that any friend should! The bottom line is, the ball is in his court and if he wants your relationship to keep getting stronger, he has to be the one to put more effort into it, not you. If he decides to continue to stop contacting you and being rude, he doesn't deserve your friendship! Good Luck! -Katie NYC
In recent weeks, I have had the same problem as you. In my school I have a friend I have known for ages, but three weeks ago she started to talk with another classmates and she also started to let me alone. At first I thought she had problems at home and other things, but days later, I realised she had a problem with me. I talked with her and I could fix my problems. I think the best you can do is talk with him and resolve your problems, because if you don't do nothing you could lose a friend. I think is better try to fix the problems that let pass the time and don't know what is the problem. Kisses, Mariu.
I am sort of in the same situation as you. I am fifteen, and I have a friend who I have feelings for. Like your friend, however, he has got a lot of work at the moment. However, my friend did not forget my birthday, even though he had all the work to do. I personally feel, that if your friend was such a good person, then he would talk to you, or at least reply to your calls, even if they were a few minutes - after all, that is better than nothing and it shows you that he cares.
In my opinion, it is now up to your friend to call you. You made the effort to contact him, so, seeing if he replies will show you if he is a true friend. After all, he cannot be doing his work 24/7. I wish you all the best. Laurel.
Emma, I'm sorry that you're having boy problems. As a teen myself, I know from personal experience that it's no fun at all. However, if you truly like him, you shouldn't give up. Until you actually get to talk to him, you don't know for sure that what the two of you had is over. So try to think positive about it. He could be grounded or for some other reason unable to contact you. I'm sure that he wouldn't just ignore you if the two of you have been good friends for some time now. I hope problems between the two of you are solved very soon. Best of luck, don't give up, Bethany.
I think that you should figure out how you feel about him. The way it sounded in the question you asked was that he doesn't really want to talk to you. If you think that you do really like him I suggest you get in your car and ask your parents to drive you to his house. Maybe call his mom to ask if he's around before hand, so that you don't go there and find that he's not there (it's always best if you ask his mom not tell him your coming, he will probably be more truthful then). And ask him what's wrong or bothering him. If he doesn't want you in his life anymore then that is his loss. His loss of a great and marvelous girl (because you like Coldplay I naturally assume that you are awesome) So if he wont answer the phone he should live with how you're going to react. But you in your heart think that you could maybe live without him, I think you should just let him go. Maybe later he will call to say how sorry he was. Good luck and stay strong. Silke, Barcelona.
Here are some good ideas for this similar kind of problem I once had. Although, I was the guy who didn't answer.
You don't actually know your friend too well, even if you think so. Your roads have separated and your current life situations just aren't the same anymore. You have to accept that. You don't have to stop calling him, but I think you really have to stop patronizing him. You make him disappear by caring too much. He might have some kind of situation that he wants to clear him self without any help.
I assume that someday he will understand what you were doing and maybe he even thanks you. Maybe not. In my opinion true friendship isn't measured in answered calls. It will last longer and it will break through quite harsh stuff. You may feel hurt, but you have to take a look in the mirror, too. Say you love him, if you really do. If the answer is negative or somehow too offensive to take, then maybe it isn't your problem anymore. That guy has to take a look in the mirror at the same time, you see.
Your situation may pass and someday you will find each other again. Time goes faster than you may think now. If you are really concerned, maybe you should ask someone who knows him better than you do. You can help him, but first you have to find out what kind of help he really needs. Glad to write, Me.
Emma, we are never too busy to say hi to a loved one or someone we care about. We may be self involved with our own lives, but if desired, time will be found. Think about it, how long does it take to text or leave a message. It would take under one minute and there is no one that can't find a minute.
My experience tells me that it could be a couple of things; he is backing away because as you've said you've been close and he is young and doesn't want to get too involved at this time or he may have found someone else. He may not be officially breaking up with you because he doesn't want to hurt you or he wants you to be available if this new relationship doesn't work out. Whichever it is, it doesn't matter, he has not responded to you, let him go. You are young, don't be held back by a maybe relationship with someone, move on. Focus on growing to be the strong, vibrant woman you want to be. Date other guys, we learn about people when dating, what we like and don't like in people and relationships, the balance of a relationship (it's not all about one person and their way) and even games people play and not getting caught up in the game. Date and learn about yourself and others and when you are ready, the right person will come into your life. It may be this boy, it may not, but whomever it is the both of you will be ready when the timing is right. Keep enjoying life and staying positive and good things are coming your way. Dawn.
Emma, maybe a romantic relationship between the two of you isn't the best thing right now. But that does not mean that I think you should give up on him. Despite everything, he is still your friend and this absence of his may be his way of dealing with something that you don't know about. You said that the two of you are very close, and what he probably needs most of all right now, is time. When and if he's ready to talk about whatever is going on, he will. I think that you should live your life normally, but let him know that you are there for him in any case. Because really, that is all you can do right now: be a friend. I hope everything works out. Best wishes, Medina.
I feel that you're better off without him. From the looks of it, you both weren't after the same things and so maybe now you're feeling a bit let down. From what you described, he isn't very devoted to the relationship and that might end up hurting you if it already hasn't. I suggest taking a step back and really weighing the good versus the bad. I'm assuming he said he likes you but that doesn't mean you have to like him, especially if he isn't treating you well. I don't believe in waiting around for people so I think you should just keep your mind and heart open to new things. and maybe people. You're young, don't keep your head stuck under the sand for him or anyone. If he really is interested in you he'll come around, and if he doesn't well it'll be his loss! Hope this helps and Happy Late Birthday. Love, Darem.
Not at all, Emma! I went through a lot of trouble keeping up with some of my best friends, because they graduated from high-school, two years before I did. Fortunately, in my case, technology prevailed and I eventually got back in touch with them, thanks to Facebook. Now, he may be in a situation where he is unable to get in touch with you, through technology. It's not like he doesn't like you anymore, you're friendship hasn't changed, you are just going to have to respect his schedule, and he'll get back to you. Two weeks isn't a long time, and it might be a while before you can hang around, but you are far from seeing the last of him. So don't worry. I haven't seen my best friend in months, but we still talk to each other very frequently, and she still owes me for that birthday dinner she promised me in June. Wow, I can hold someone to their word. Best wishes, Bradley H.
It must be hard on many levels. First this friend you have feelings for which is already confusing, then him being far away, suddenly becoming distant you're getting the whole package of "love hurts".
You do need to let him be. But that doesn't mean giving up! It only means you're giving him the space and time he for some reason needs now. It also shows you accept him the way he is, even though it's hurting you. My experience is that important people in life tend to come back. It is difficult when you are the one waiting, questioning your feelings, his feelings, whether you're making a fool of yourself - there is a whole lot of pain, anger, insecurity in there. It's hard to be the one left hanging, the one they know they can come back to. But, in the end, they do come back, so your pain vanishes and your heavy heart lightens up.
I know it's no consolation for you right now, but it also makes you grow as a person, as you learn to appreciate what you had with him and to let go what you can't keep.
And the best thing is, when he sorted out his life and comes back your way, it's going to be stronger than you could imagine, because no matter how much you change with time, you'll still be his loving friend, and that's something he'll be grateful for. Trust me, been there. Kata.
He may be acting this way because he is unsure of how he feels about you at the moment. It's possible that he met someone who lives closer and he's distancing himself from you in order to give himself time to find his bearings. If he hasn't returned your calls, then try talking to his friends and see what they have to report. If you still don't hear from him, you should consider making the trip to see him. This way he can't blow you off and you can set things straight with him. Whatever you do, don't wait around for him to make up his mind on you. Remember, every moment he doesn't talk to you is another moment you could be with someone who will. Best of luck, Blake.
Thanks once again for taking the time to respond. Click to read this week's question, and send us your answer.