November 25, 2011 - submitted by Alexandra, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #48
I'm in love with my best friend. He has a girlfriend, but he says that he doesn't love her anymore, and that he loves me. I had asked him why he wouldn't just break up with her, and he told me that he was "working on it". Now, when I see him, he won't speak to me, and will ultimately try to ignore me whenever I try to confront him. He's also moving after the school year ends, and he's telling me that we should try and get into the same universities. He expects me to wait for him, but that's not being realistic. The problem is that he's been complaining about his girlfriend (she's not a very nice person) and keeps promising to end it with her, when he doesn't keep his word. Do you think he might be lying to me about loving me and not her? Thanks. Alexandra, USA.
The Oracle replies:
People never cease to amaze me. What a coward this guy is! Whether he loves you and/or her, he's dragging his feet and that's simply not fair. He's not "working on it" fast enough in my opinion. Maybe it's because you're friends and his feelings for you are confused. No matter, he needs to pull his finger out. He's been ignoring you, how rude! I think you need to view all aspects of this situation in the same way; what's best for you? Choose the university that you feel is the right one for you. Please do not go to the same one as him. Likewise, don't wait for him. He's supposed to be your friend - some friend.
I'm assuming you know his girlfriend so your view of her not being a nice person is true for you, well it may seem pretty judgmental of me but here I go... they sound bloomin' well suited then as he doesn't sound like a very nice person either!
Cut your losses and get on with living your life. It's time you made the decision rather than waiting for him to make any. He seems incapable of making any to be honest and life's too short to hang around for people who regardless of intent, are using and draining. It sounds like he's keeping his options open and very much likes the attention he is getting from you. As he's the one in a relationship, he's the one who needs to do something about it. Why should you have to work out if he's telling the truth? IF he truly loves you, he may be forced into action when you withdraw from this. Actions speak louder than words don't they? Over to you.
Wow Alex, you seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. First of all, I think that if he loved you, he would have broken up with his girlfriend for you. He shouldn't expect you to go to his university and wait for him if he is with another girl he won't break up with even though she is not very kind to him. Also, if he loved you, why would he be trying to ignore you every time you tried to talk to him? If he wanted to be with you he should put his effort in to help your relationship. When in a relationship both people have to work together to be happy with each other, and I'm sorry to say, but he isn't holding up his end of the bargain. If he truly loved you, he would have broken up with his girlfriend long ago to be with you, wouldn't ignore you and wouldn't make you wait for him. I know you love him, but this guy isn't worth your time. Don't chase after him if he's acting like this because you seem to be too good for him, Alex. He is wasting your time. Frances.
There could be a legitimate reason why he hasn't broken up with her, but if he really should have told you. He may always be complaining about her, but at the end of the day, he's still with her; we all moan about the ones we love, don't we? The fact of the matter is that he's not treating you very nicely, not to mention his girlfriend, so would you really want to end up with someone like that? He could do this to you in a couple of years' time. In answer to your question, I think he probably cares about you, but he obviously doesn't know how to treat people. He's not someone worth risking your education over either, so maybe just forget about it for now. Maybe you could see him in a few years when everything's different. It's like leaving the bookmark in instead of closing the book completely.
In the words of the mighty Chris Martin, "Just be patient and don't worry." Mark.
Alexandra, it sounds like a tricky situation that you're in, but believe me don't wait, and try not to think about it too much, even though it's really hard. I mean what if you wait and wait and he makes you sacrifice so many things that you have worked so hard for and he does not even break up with her? I think that you should wait for him to come to you, don't be mean or nice just be normal and continue with your life, if it was meant to happen it will, and if not then it's his loss. Farah.
I know how it feels to wait for something uncertain and unclear, but I say you just have to roll with it. I think he still has feelings for her, which might explain why he isn't splitting with her or she might just be that intimidating, but nether less, if he really really loved you, he would've broken up with her. Also, if you guys do go to the same university, what's gonna happen if he's still with her? It's gonna be hard to decide whether to stay and hope that your love will come to you, or to leave and have him coming after you so give it some time. I wish the best for you Alexandra and good luck! Billy N.
I am sure you are very confused. From what you describe I suspect that your best friend's emotions fall somewhere between loving two people at the same time, liking you a lot but not being sure what those emotions really are, or not loving you that way at all but being highly flattered that two young women seem to really like/love him. But honey! He does not seem like he is ready to commit to you. He doesn't even really seem to be acting as a kind friend, ignoring you and such. I suspect you are still in high school and are thus very young. You are about to go to university. You need to give yourself the room to follow your own path and find someone who is going to reciprocate your feelings in a way that is not so confusing and, really, manipulative. The "I love you but I just cannot break it off with her/him" is a common trope amongst those who play with others' hearts. So please, do be careful. If he does truly love you, you going off to do your own thing will provide the best chance that he will wake up, take action and follow through on his declarations. Take care, Susannah.
I just wanted to start by saying that there is no possible way to know what he's truly feeling about you, though my guess is this: he likes you, but he also still likes his gf and/or doesn't want to dump her (dumping people is hard!). Either he simply doesn't like you enough to dump his gf, or he is trying to get you to like him more by creating suspense (ie: ignoring you, holding off on the dumping, etc.) But whatever the case is, you said so yourself, waiting for him so you can go to the same university is not smart at all. Don't let him get in the way of your plans, hopes, and dreams for the future. You'll miss opportunities and you might regret it. I would also advise against a long-distance relationship, so I'm not sure how your relationship would work out even if he did dump his girlfriend. If you get together before he leaves, it will cause pain for the both of you in separation. In any case, I wish you luck. It's probably hard for you to hear this, Alexandra, but if all else fails, you can move on. You seem like a smart, strong person and believe me, there are other attractive males out there who will love you. Good luck! Elizabeth T.
The heart is tricky, but to be a best friend to someone is to have respect and consideration for them. It is to be and to have someone who listens and communicates openly and honestly. Through experience we begin to understand what it really takes to have a legit relationship. Rule # 1, never expect, no matter what is said. When you know a person well, you know what to expect still there are other things to consider. Such as, how well can you depend on this person? Only you have the answers, within yourself. Choose where you want to go, for what you love to do. You can "be there" for him. But don't let his decision be the reason for the choice(s) you make for yourself. Most importantly remember, no matter what happens, even if it doesn't appear so, it's in your best interest. You just have to keep truckin' to find it, what is sometimes like a hidden treasure you never knew was right under your nose. Be you, follow your own dreams, and if he is meant to be there, he will be. If not, then you have left the door open for your real best friend to enter your life. Your life is not to be expended at the will or lack thereof of another. Trust the energy, not spoken promises. Keep your heart open and enjoy the mystery of the journey as the truth unfolds, for it inevitably will!
Best of luck to you. Georgia.
I am stuck in the same situation but, she has a boyfriend and they have been in a relationship for like 4 years. Being ignored by him is tough but, it's worth waiting. Getting into the same school is hard but finding online classes is more realistic. That has gone well for so many people. Breaking up with someone is hard when you don't want to hurt them but, you want to leave them. Give him more time, again it's worth the wait but if it takes more then a year you could start questioning. Question, why would he lie? He'd have to hate you to hurt you that bad. You can remind him but don't bug him about it every time you see him. Thank you for asking this question, it has helped me think about my friend. Isaac
In my opinion he's not lying to you about saying he loves you, what is happening to me is that he is confused of what he thinks cause even though he says he doesn't like his girlfriend anymore he maybe still feels something about her (I'm telling you that cause I just had kind of the same experience recently), or maybe he is getting used to the idea that he finally told his best friend what he's been feeling all this time, I say finally cause in my opinion best friends does not exist even if both of them deny it for a long time. What you say about waiting for him I think if his is thinking in that he is totally wrong cause you don't have to sacrifice yourself until he feels his ready. If he really love you he should realize soon that you are the one he wants to be with and do everything to get to you and if you can find a moment face him and tell him what you feel and tell everything you have to say and face the problem of what you too feel.
Hope this helps! Jorge Andres.
You're in love with your best friend! Or are you? I had a similar problem once and it turned out we were both just confused. He says he is "working on it." But working on it means that there is some progress which in your case, there is none. So then he ignores you. And after that, he suggests you should go to his college. Well. no ma'am! This certainly will not do. You are completely right. It is not realistic and it is completely selfish for him to bring you along for the ride. He isn't looking out for your best interest and you may not realize this but think about what could be said about you if he did leave her for you! You do not want to be in a situation like that. Especially at such a young age. But he must have done some good because he is your best friend, right? I say let him be with this chick. Like many have said before, "there are plenty of fish in the sea." You have so much time to find someone to love who doesn't already have a girlfriend so just leave it at that. When you get to college, you'll definitely want to be single anyways! So in the end, I say he sounds like a friend, just not a boy friend. Dimitria.
Your 'best friend' that loves you sounds as if the only person he is crazy in love with is himself. Seriously, he confesses his love for you and is working on breaking it off with his other girlfriend? Seriously, he ignores you and does not speak to you but then turns around and suggests that you get into the same university together? 'Best Friend' needs to figure out his love life and himself, and you do too, but I hope you will do it without him. Surround yourself with people that don't cheat on their lovers. Surround yourself with people that show respect and kindness to their friends and guess what? You will find love from people that is strong and sincere. And honestly, isn't that really what you want? Rene.
This guy is bad news. Not only is he taking advantage of his girlfriend, but he's also taking advantage of you. I'm sure he has feelings for you, but due to the fact that he is still spending time with his current girlfriend, gives a strong impression that he still has feelings for her, too. And you cannot let him try to get you to go to the same university, he isn't even acknowledging you now, when he gets to a university, you aren't even going to exist to him.
Now, I don't mean to sound hostile about the situation, but the way he is treating you and his current girlfriend is just wrong. You would be far better off going to the university you want to go, and finding someone who will respect you, and value you as a person.
Also, don't judge his current girlfriend, imagine how she would feel if she knew what her boyfriend was doing. No one should have to go through that. Best wishes, Bradley H.
So he's saying he's working on breaking up with his current girlfriend, yet he continues to be with her. Then he ignores you when you confront him about it. His contradictory statements and actions are a warning sign. "He expects me to wait for him, but that's not being realistic". Unconsciously, you've answered your question! It seems that deep down, you know this isn't the way a guy should treat you. And let me tell you, a guy who sincerely cares about you wouldn't put you through this. If he doesn't think you're worth his time, then he is certainly not worth yours. Blake.
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