October 16, 2011 - submitted by Michelle, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #42
I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months and we've had problems
in the relationship since the beginning. I love him and he loves me,
but we everything seems so much more complicated than it really is. We
cannot seem to be completely happy all the time. I guess I am not
asking for your help, but rather your point of view. Michelle.
The Oracle replies:
I guess relationships can be tricky at the start but most people
expect them to be all perfect and plain sailing with flipping
stomachs, skipping heart beats and proclamations of undying love. As
you're finding out, they can also be very much a learning experience
of trying to work each other out; what makes the other tick, what
their moods are, best times of day, tempers, patience levels and just
trying to fit with each other. Neither way make for a guaranteed long
term relationship so it's really a case of working out what you want
from it, what you give and more importantly, what you get back. If
that all feels unbalanced and your needs aren't being met, it may be
time to reassess the relationship and whether there's any future in
it. I do sort of feel that relationships don't need to be such hard
work. I'm all for mutually working at it to make it better but I
ultimately - and perhaps somewhat cynically - think if you're not
making each other happy, it's not worth it.
Over to you.
My girlfriend and I have had the same problems, only we've been
going out for nearly a year and a half. If I were you, I'd talk to
your other half about the problems, and try and work out why you're
not happy. Sometimes you need time to adjust to a relationship, or
maybe you just don't spend enough time together. You can try going on
a break, or you could just stay friends, but you have to work out what
makes you happy, what complicates things, and then try to work from
that. By discussing with him the things that you both want, you don't
have to bottle things up, and it makes your relationship stronger.
4 months isn't exactly a long period of time, consistent problems
(differing though they may be), your uncertainty, your love for him
and his to you (in such a short period?!), and your age (I do not know
how old you are, however I feel this may also be a factor) lead me to
believe that this relationship isn't fantastic for you.
Obviously because you have written in and asked about this
relationship you are unsure yourself, either wanting to be reassured
or given direction.
Why are you in the relationship if it doesn't make you happy, if it
doesn't make you feel good?
You should re-think this relationship. I am not saying you should end
it, but from what you've told us you aren't happy, and you are
confused. My point of view is that this relationship you are in needs
simplifying, you need to be enjoying it, having fun, happy but this
has to be a point of view shared by both you and your boyfriend. I
however feel that if this confusion and unhappiness continues for much
longer you will not be in the relationship for the right reasons, and
it will become unhealthy.
Good luck if you decided to do something. I hope in whatever decision
you make that you are happy. Love from Australia, Mindy.
My friend, as long as there is love and respect for each other, it
is worth all the difficulties. Marcelo.
Couples are not happy all the time. Always there are some problems in
a relationship but you have to analyze what kind of problems there are
and what kind of importance they have for your future. Good luck!
Well Michelle, in my point of view, I think that you and your
boyfriend are together because of a reason, and that reason is love.
But there must be certain things that put you and him in the same way
in your life, things in common, people, places, music - things like
that. Maybe you love him because the way he is, but you should know
that, in love's game, nothing is easy. You might be jealous of a
friend of him, or be sad because you two had a silly argument. It's
always hard to go on with a relationship but you must be strong and
carry that weight, because that's what you have to do to be happy. You
should talk with your boyfriend, but not only to tell him how much you
love him, but to talk to him about your problems, your fears, and your
insecurities. I'm sure he will understand you, and love you more
because he'll know that you trust him, and he can trust you.
Love comes in many forms. Some younger than others, some that last a
lifetime, and some that are there to teach us something about
ourselves. While 4 months might feel for you like a long time, it's
important to value the time & commitment that each you and your
boyfriend have put into this relationship. The truth is that we can
only help ourselves, but since you are asking for Oracle's point of
view, then perhaps taking a step back for a little while might help
you realize if whether or not the problems this relationship is
causing you really is worth it to you (and even to him). This might
just teach you something about yourself which you might not have
thought you were capable of learning! Just remember: There is a great
love inside all of us that we each have to share, including you.
Continue letting your love shine and in turn, you will be loved
Quoting a band we barely know: 'nobody said it was easy...'.
Sharing our lives with someone is far from simple and gets worse when
you take a 24/7 happiness schedule for granted. Many 'downs' will come
followed by uncountable 'ups' teaching us what truly matters. And
believe me: perfection is unreachable for human kind standards. Don't
waste your energy in a quest for a role model relationship, live yours
to the fullest aware that you're just a girl in front of a boy asking
him to love you back and if he really does, he has been doing his
best, just like you. Don't be fooled by the "finding your missing
part" theory: everyone was born complete and nobody deserves to bear
the burden of being responsible for fulfilling someone's "half".
You're supposed to add happiness in a person's life in your own way,
and filling a hole shouldn't be part of the deal - eventually you will
fail, after all, you're only human. Such theory raises each other's
expectations in an unrealistic way: dissatisfied with your partners'
efforts, both of you will spend more time dreaming of what you wanted
that person to be instead of living with the beauty of a real heart
and mind beating and thinking beside yours. And last, but not least,
choice can be the most beautiful evidence of love. Waking up every
morning and choosing you/him with all your/his qualities and flaws
amongst an ocean of opportunities DOES mean something. All the best,
Carolina, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.
Firstly sorry, but the fact that you wrote to The Oracle shows how
much your relationship isn't fulfilling at all. I don't know how old
you are, but have to tell you that 4 months of relationship isn't
really long. I'll rather say that it's the beginning of your love
story. Anyway, you've to learn that NO ONE can be TOTALLY HAPPY ALL
THE TIME. In Love (like in Life), there is UP & DOWN. NOTHING is
always black or always white all the time, so you just have to deal
with it. My advise for you is follow your feelings, listen to your
heart. ONLY these two things can help you & make you choose rights
So don't worry about the future/tomorrow, cause it doesn't happen yet.
Forget about the past for it's yesterday & already done. Just simply
live the present & make your possible in order to have no regrets. And
MOST IMPORTANT THING is. remember that PERFECTION DOESN'T EXIST!
We never know if the person with which we are living is THE ONE for
us, but one thing is SURE, when you'll find the ONE, it won't be
complicated & you'll feel it in your chest, cause I guess this will be
like the sun is rising in your Life. If you think that it's worth it
to continue trying to fix it, just think that you're young & that
you've the entire life in front of you, so a lots of things are always
going to happen to you.
Sorry but I can to much relate to your story and in the end all I got
was a big sad waste of 5 years time. Finally, PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR
HEART. That's the only GOOD ADVICE I can give you (your feelings are
always right). I share all my love & support with you Michelle & hope
this could help you. Take care, Delphine.
Relationship complications are never fun but to be brutally honest.
If you are having problems now, at the onset of the relationship,
chances are it is not going to get any easier as time goes on. I know
that is something very hard to hear because I am sure you care about
each other a great deal. But maybe a relationship between you two is
not the best thing right now. Sometimes being friends is better
because it removes a lot of expectation. Again, I know it is
something hard to hear but take it from a 25 year old who has been in
many bad relationships. I think the question I want to leave you with
is this. If you both love each other as much as you say you do, why
aren't you ever truly happy? I hope truly hope it all works out.
I have been in the same situation you've been. I've had a few
girlfriends and in the end none of them went well, but one thing my
dad always asked me for each girl, "where do you see yourself in a
year?" You have a long time to work things out, but do think about
what makes you happy at the end of the day and what's best for you.
Whether that's making it work or not. Evan.
A relationship cannot exist without it's odds and ends. Your
relationship is young, four months isn't a long time, when it comes to
dating someone. You're probably a little worried because of that, all
of the little things seem like massive catalysts, but you really don't
need to fret about your relationship. I'm certain you just need some
time to settle into this relationship, and you two will be fine. How
am I certain? Because you said you love him, and that he loves you.
Love is just one of many variables involved. He loves you and you love
him, but it's not enough to sustain any relationship all by itself.
Respect, consideration, honesty, and compatibility weigh equally.
Since you didn't state the problems you've been having, I've no idea
where the weakness lies. Do you like him? Do you generally have fun
together? Are you open and honest about your wants and expectations?
Do you expect him to fix you and make you happy? Because it's not his
responsibility to make you happy. That's your job! And besides, no
one is happy all the time. Life's a roller coaster - it's got its
ups, downs and flat spots. It seems time to start asking yourself
(and him) what you want from this relationship and are you both
willing to work to improve it - or - is it time to move on? Good luck
to you both! Aimee.
I think you two need some time to see if this is really love. You
must sit and talk to him, try to figure this out together. Most of all
you have to be happy with him. And if not there is really something
wrong. All couples have problem, but just 4 months and having problem
since the begging? Try talking to him and see what happens. Ayla.
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