May 20, 2011 - submitted by Giovanni, United States of America
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #25
"My girlfriend and I just recently broke up and I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do with myself, she was my everything. It was my fault though, I have issues with my self-confidence and I'm always acting insecure. Those feelings eventually drove her away because I'm acting "too clingy." I'm trying to work on these feelings but I can't help the way I feel sometimes. I want her back more than anything else and I know she still has feelings for me as well, but I'm not sure if she still wants to be in a relationship with me. I could use your advice. Giovanni"
The Oracle replies:
You want your ex-girlfriend back but that wouldn't be the right thing for either of you just now. Unless you sort your problems, they'll keep you from happiness; if you did get back together you'll be going back with no solutions.
You say you can't help the way you feel but I argue that yes, yes you can. It won't be easy but for the sake of any future relationships you need to address this as soon as possible. Even if you can't pin point the cause of your low self-esteem, you can get help to overcome it. Whether you choose a counsellor route or self-help, there are many ways to improve your confidence. The fact this girl you adore wanted to be with you in the first place should be a good indicator!
In the meantime, perhaps talk to your ex and tell her that you are sorry and know you're to blame. Don't pressure her into saying whether she would take you back if you change. I will assume that you have spoken to her about your insecurities and she's possibly told you how she feels about your behaviour. I can't speak for your ex-girlfriend Giovanni and even though she may still have feelings for you, you're apart so it's clear she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you while you are behaving this way. Actions speak louder than words as they say, so show her how much you love her.
Over to you...
I have been where you are and many others have been as well. One of the biggest problems with relationships and love is that we are all a bunch of insecure people. What's so important for a healthy relationship is self confidence. All of us, in one way or another, are searching for self confidence and self worth and many times, we search for it in relationships. We believe that having someone at our side some how makes us more worthwhile. And when we get into that relationship, we suck the life out of our partners in trying to fill our life. Most of us do not do it on purpose. But you have to realize that nobody else determines your level of worth. You seem like a pretty awesome person, and just being willing to come out and admit your insecurity is very bold. Before you ever think about getting into a relationship with anyone realize your own worth. It may take a while. For me, it took close to three years. But It is only when we realize how loved we are that we become free to truly love others. I wish you well. Joseph S.
I'm really sorry to hear about what happened between you and your ex. I feel your pain because I too am insecure about myself. I was bullied all my life and I didn't really have anyone until my ex asked me out. She too broke up with me cause I was "too clingy," but don't be down. You should always believe in yourself 'cause, believe or not, there are always people who look up to you. We are all unique in our own ways and the people who value those qualities, are your true friends. So never doubt yourself cause you're never alone when it comes down to it. I wish you the best and I hope things work out for you and her. Billy N.
I am seeing a psychologist for the same problem, unfortunately. But first of all, you should stop saying yourself that the break-up is your fault, it's not. It is nobody's fault actually. You are feeling insecure and she doesn't know how to handle that. Both your feelings aren't the problem, but the way you handle those is.
I think you should work on your insecurity, probably with an expert like a psychologist. If you learn how to love yourself, it is easier to believe somebody else could love you; maybe you are acting so insecure because you only see the 'bad' things about yourself and you can't find any ways to love those things. You will be less 'clingy' because you don't feel the need for her confirmation about yourself. I think, if you really want to work on yourself and you give it some time, you will get her back. Tell her about your feelings for her and about the change you want to make. You won't be changed in a week, that's one thing you both should accept. Give it some time and it will all be alright. I wish you all the best, Renske.
I know it's a cliche but 'you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you'. Maybe this girl is the one for you but it's not the right time because you're not in a good place to have girlfriend.
Everyone has confidence issues, but just think, this girl saw something in you if she wanted to have a relationship with you. The bottom line is that, even though you love her, the relationship wasn't working out. It doesn't matter whose fault it was but you should both try to work on yourselves and be happy by yourself first! A relationship shouldn't define you. Good luck! Katie NYC.
Your insecurity may be what's hurting the relationship. The fact is, you are enough just the way you are. You don't need a woman to validate you as a man. your worth as a human being doesn't come from whether or not a girl loves you. You're immensely valuable and worthy just because you're human. Please believe it, because it's true! If you aren't happy in your own skin, you will never live the life you were meant to, and relationships will be difficult. You're better than that Giovanni.
Often we think of love as something we need from others, but the truth is, love is often more of a gift. If you felt like you needed this girl's approval and affection, then your responsive love was sort of conditional. If you loved her so that she loved you back, it probably wasn't the healthiest thing. The love of a confident person doesn't need a response. THIS is the love you are worthy of and the love you are capable of giving. Amber.
This could potentially go in two very different directions. I hate to say it, but don't expect her to wait for you to find your bearings. If you can't give her what she is looking for in a relationship, she may very well leave you to find someone who can. Like last week's Team Oracle question, the general consensus involved the girl leaving her boyfriend, not waiting around for him to change. If she starts seeing other people, you need to be respectful of her decision. On a lighter note, you claim you drove her away because of your insecurities and by being "too clingy". Talk to her and explain as best you can what you're feeling, and work together to identify the root of your insecurity. By doing this you can build your self-confidence and hopefully rebuild a stronger relationship with her! Best of luck. Blake.
The girl you are with needs her own space. Space to hang out with her own friends, do things she wants to do, or more importantly alone time to reflect on her own life. "Too clingy" is a bad thing because your invading her personal privacy that she wants to keep for herself. Just remember, you may love her a lot but sometimes the best way to express your love is by giving her some alone time. Colin.
I had that exact same problem during my sophomore year of high school. After my boyfriend ended it that summer, I was devastated. I tried everything in my power to get him back. I eventually learned it wasn't going to happen, and the one thing I realized I had to do was to move on.
I hate to say this, but if you have to ask yourself if she wants to be with you, she probably doesn't. Forget about her and move on with your life. I know it sounds impossible right now, but it is what it is. Things always get better over time, and eventually, you'll be OK. You can't let one person control how you live your life. Have faith, Giovanni. There are plenty of wonderful girls out there, and I'm sure that in time, you'll find someone who's right for you. Good luck, and keep on keepin' on. Violet.
I think to fix this problem of missing your girlfriend is to just remember: if she still has feelings for you, then there obviously isn't anything to be insecure about! We all have insecurities at times, and sometimes it's hard to say, "I am perfectly fine the way I am, because I have people who love me". Also, addressing the matter of "being too clingy": just find some time to spend alone with her in the day, and some time to let her have time with her friends and family as well. Monty.
I am almost in the same situation as you Giovanni, after four years of loving her, I have nothing. You need to trust her, and you need to give her space and time to her. It is also important to talk to her about this, and make sure she makes you feel comfortable and confident in yourself, after all, that is what partners are for. Be open with her and tell her how much you love her, and I'm sure she will help you get over your issues if she really loves you. It is natural to be insecure but the secret lies in keeping its expression to the minimal...Best of luck! Himanish, Delhi, India.
If you want her back that badly then you have to do two things first. You have to prove to her that you won't make the same mistakes again, and prove that you have changed. I know it will be hard but you just have to let people be alone, and not be too clingy otherwise relationships start to crumble. If you do find yourself being clingy, step back, look at what you are doing and fix it. You could get some other people to help you, ask them what they think your clingy behaviour looks like, and from their feedback try to improve and think through your actions before you start to .
Secondly, trust, insecurity and your self-esteem. Everyone has issues in these areas, but if you start looking for the good aspects about you, and then try to lessen or stop noticing the things you don't like about yourself you will notice a big change in your self-esteem and your attitude towards others. Trust and insecurity are linked in a weird way. Without trust in your partner you can never feel secure, you just have to believe in them and trust both their decisions and the way you think they see you. Relationships are somewhat built on trust, and both of you will need to learn to trust each other before you go into another relationship. Good luck, and remember that whatever you do now is new. You will not be the same clingy person that you used to be if you change and help you self esteem. Mindy.
Thank you all for your replies.
Click to read this week's Team Oracle question, and send us your answer.