May 13, 2011 - submitted by Agnes, Sweden
Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #24
"After 6 months together, my ex dumped me horribly and kind of by mistake on our 6 month anniversary. A long, confusing and heartbreaking summer followed, but since we sort of broke up for no reason, and he's in my class, we still had feelings and started seeing each other again this fall. I want him back more than anything in the world, but he doesn't want to commit even though he tells me he still likes me. He says he can't be in a relationship "right now", but the thing is, he's told me the same thing since October. Am I on the hook? Do I wait for him? What on earth do I do, I am miserable without him, yet this is not what I truly want. Agnes."
The Oracle replies:
I'm sorry Agnes but he's using you. I'm not sure how you dump someone by mistake though people do break up for seemingly no reason. I'd argue there is a reason, you just haven't been let in on what it is. Sorry guys but boys are sometimes cowards and would rather say nothing. Whether you have feelings for each other is regardless to me as all I care about it how you want to be treated. Yes, you are on the hook but you've put yourself on it. Ask yourself if you're getting a good deal here. He's keeping his options open by not committing but he told you he doesn't want a relationship, so it's down to you. If as you say this is not what you truly want, get off the hook. Please don't wait for him. Don't think by still seeing him he's going to change his mind and commit. The other thing I will say and I am so sorry to be blunt but it's for the best... it may be true that he can't be in a relationship "right now" but what if he means he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you right now? What will happen if he gets a new girlfriend? The message you're sending him is that it's ok to treat you like this and so it will continue. Grab your self-respect and walk away. If he comes back so be it but for now, let him get his head straight on his own and you do the same.
Above all else remember this Agnes; there is NOTHING wrong with you. This is about him NOT you and you deserve better. You can be sad it's over but don't be miserable without him as you can and will do a whole lot better than this situation. I guarantee that.
Over to you...
You might be surprised to know this, but I think the solution to your dilemma lies in your question: "What on earth do I do, I am miserable without him, yet this is not what I truly want." As hard as it seems to have to let go, your best option at this point is to move on because it is clear that this is not what you truly want. In this instance, you should be selfish about your own happiness and concentrate on what it is you do want because waiting for him or continuing to pursue a relationship with him will only cause you further confusion and heartache. You deserve someone who will commit to you and will treat you with respect, not drag your feelings out. Best of luck to you! Danielle.
I'm sorry to hear about what happened between you and ex. Believe it or not I'm in the exact same position as you, and yes it can be very depressing and lonely without your "significant other" but always keep hope. Give it some time and he'll come around. For now just surround yourself with friends and occupy your time. But when he's ready to talk, try to work things out. I wish the best for you. Billy N.
You already tried asking him about the situation. Why don't you tell him you've tried your best and that you want to know if he ever wants to be in a relationship again. It might be hard, but waiting for an answer you won't get is probably worse. If he doesn't want to tell you what's going on he doesn't care about you and you deserve someone better. I hope I could help, give it your best. Lisette.
I'm a 46 married woman in Ohio. My husband lives in California.
My life right now is waiting.
My husband doesn't want to give up drinking "just now".
Will you and I go crazy thinking about what could happen, what might turn things around? We will, in all likelihood, make those around us crazy for not letting go. for not severing the relationship completely.
We have a commonality: we see the best potential in the objects of our affection. Maybe we deserve to have someone throw a glass of cold water on us with the admonition "wake up already!"
Maybe we have a moment of clarity when we stand back and advise another person on the same issue we are personally going through.
I don't think that you will see this, but it has brought some new clarity to me. I am going to step away. There's life out there for me, for you, RIGHT NOW. There's NO need for us to wait for that one special person who may or may not ever come to a course of action either of us might actually prefer. Best of luck to you. Holly.
What I am going to tell you is a very well known phrase: LET IT BE. Yes, as The Beatles said 41 years ago. But it is still one of the wisest phrases I know. I guess that you're thinking of him all the time, but you have to clear up your mind, focus and relax. If you really love him, wait for him.. But also, let him know that you are valuable. Don't ever put him under pressure to make a decision 'cause that won't help at all. What ever happen you should know that it has got a reason, and life wants it to be like that, and also that there's something you should learn from all this experience. Do not regret the time you spent with him and do not get sad because it has ended, just feel happy because it happened and you enjoyed it. Give time to time, 'cause he knows what to do, trust me. I hope that my advices have been useful and now go out and enjoy with your friends, or stay at home eating chocolate and listening to Coldplay. My best wishes for you, Gina.
I have been in a similar situation myself. My girlfriend and I had broken up for seemingly no reason. We saw each other constantly and we were both upset without the other, but I was very much afraid to get back together into a relationship. We both had very strong feelings for each other but we weren't sure what to do. A few months later I finally came to the realization that even though being in a long term committed relationship was a bit frightening, I cared about her too much to just let her go; so i asked her out and we started dating again. I think it is important to ask him if he is hesitating because he is afraid. Relationships require give and take, part of that give is to go into the relationship even if you are afraid, so that you can make each other's live more amazing than they are separately. True love my sting you sometimes but you'll miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Caleb.
Well, I would say carry on regardless! I'm still with my partner and soul mate of ten years, we have two beautiful children, and we met and broke up for some time in the 'early years'. Just because you broke up it doesn't mean its over for ever! Enjoy each other, don't be heavy and what will be will almost certainly be. Helen.
When someone is not "ready" to commit or be in a relationship means they are on the fence about you. I understand the feelings of being miserable without this person, but you are sacrificing your own self worth in order to be with someone when they finally decide to come around. If you do get back together, your ex will not view you with the same respect knowing that you put your life on hold until he was ready. Speaking from a long line of heart breaks and aches, I thought my world would end and I could not go on living without my ex. We've been broken up for a year now and in retrospect, what was I thinking? Why did I try so hard for something and become malleable to someone who would not reciprocate these efforts. I thought I loved him but I confused that with rejection and wanting acceptance. Ask yourself if this person is someone who you want in your life because if he can live without you and risk losing you to someone else in the interim..actions speak louder than words. Larina.
No. You should not wait for him. If he was really worth waiting for, then go ahead. But it doesn't seem like he is. Lizbeth.
Keep on seeing him a little more but while you do that, think about seeing other people, too! Think there are lots of fish in the sea and spend some time finding out bad things about him. He doesn't like you the way you like him cause if he did, he would feel like you do! He's probably with you cause he doesn't have anyone else to be with (men are like this). You're such a nice girl, you sounded so sweet, gotta be with someone who appreciates that! Stop listening to your heart and listen to this little voice saying you deserve more than what he can give you! Adriano.
I read your story and trust me, I couldn't understand more because I used to do the very same thing as he did. Me and your ex do the same thing here, we said we cant do it NOW, perhaps one day and we don't want to love anyone yet. Now, after 10 months, my ex just found someone that she thinks much better than me. I'm like "dear god, does she really moved on??" People said "they don't know what do they have until its gone", but for me its totally a crap, because the truth is they know exactly what they have at every moment. They know it, just they don't expect them to leave!! He don't expect of losing you. and you know what, he feels secured right now. so, if you want him back, trust me, you gotta make he feels threatened. if you keep chasing him everyday, texting him, write on his wall, it will just makes he feels like "at least i have someone I could choose in case I have nobody else". because what does he feels right now is nothing more than EGO. and nobody knows how strong his ego would be. People said "waiting never be worthless if what you waiting for is priceless". A person you really love just come once in your life, even you had thousands of dates before, there will be only one you are dying to fight for, but when you got it, you are the queen of the world Agnes. Believe me. Keim.
I'm sorta surprise with your story because it seems similar to what happened to me. Broke up with my "ex-boyfriend" after six months of being together because he didn't want to commit and be my boyfriend for real, my story with him had no basis at all, and I couldn't wait any longer, sadly it was too late, cause I really was in love with him. It was on December and I had an empty summer too (I live in South America). Tried to reach him, but it was me all the time, not him. We saw again later, and he was this doubtful again, even if he "wanted to be with me" he didn't want to commit. In the end, a "doubt" is always a "no" answer. So I waited and he didn't cared. Try to keep on with your life, 'cause if he haven't come back seriously till now, he'll never do. I already lost 16 months. Even if you love him, you gotta love yourself too. You'll suffer, true. But you'll recover slowly. He'll keep on with his life and you gotta be on that too so to not get hurt when you look back at him. Kind regards, June.
1. If he does not want a serious commitment he has a motive. 2. To be honest with him and explain what YOU really want, but should not expect if the response is negative, give yourself a time and distract your mind with other things. Flavia.
Thank you all so much for your replies. Great to see new contributors.
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