May 6, 2011 - submitted by Sarra, Tunisia

Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #23
I've lost my best friend after 3 years of friendship. I trusted her, she wasn't like all the other friends but like a sister!
This year, after the summer vacations, I've noticed that she changed, she started acting like a superficial girl! And she started hanging out with more out-going people, cause I'm considered as the girl who spends her time playing piano, painting, reading or studying. On facebook, she shared her pictures with her new friends and I don't know how to react!
It's kinda crazy, but I feel like I have to do something back! A couple of years ago, I was the popular girl, and she didn't have any friends. I got bored of my situation and I chose and introduced her to all my other friend (because she wasn't sociable). Sometimes, I feel like she's jealous, because in my high school, I'm like my teachers' pet.
I still want her to be my best-friend, and I tried so many times to rebuild our friendship, but it seems like she replaced me, after all I did for her.
Please Oracle, what should I do?


The Oracle replies:

Growing up sometimes signals growing apart. It happens all the time and not just at school, even later in life. I know how hard it must be to see someone you were so close to enjoying herself with other people but give yourself a little credit for how she is now. You probably helped her gain that confidence to go out and make new friends. Don't torture yourself over photos on Facebook and don't try to seek revenge by posting bigger and better things; you'll just get yourself into an ugly situation.
If she's acting differently then maybe you need to ask yourself who you actually want to be friends with: the changed girl she has become or the girl you feel she used to be. If it's the latter you have to let go and let her be her own person. Likewise you made mature decisions about how to be and how to live your life so continue on that path. Friends do come and go, very few remain for a lifetime so it's ok to go and make new ones. You're better off surrounding yourself with like-minded people who you have fun with. It doesn't sound like being around your old friend is fun anymore so don't chase it. If it's meant to be you will both find a way back from this but for now, remember people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. Over to you.

I don't quite get your situation when you say that you were popular and that you are the teacher's pet and your friend wants to be with more out-going people. Those are incompatible things, I guess. But let's talk about your problem. You should talk to your friend personally and tell her that you feel your relationship is not the same. Be open, talk about your feelings and don't tell her that you think she's superficial now and that she is in debt with you (that will only make it worse). Tell her that she's changed. But I have to tell you that if she doesn't want to rebuild your relationship or she doesn't react after that, you better move on. Don't waste your time. Relationships can be rebuilt only if both people are commited to do it and try hard. It's painful to you because she was like a sister. I've been in a similar situation and sometimes when people decide to take a certain path you don´t agree, there's nothing you can do. You can't oblige your friend to be like she was before. As for the facebook issue, you should do nothing. Even if you think that you´ve thought a lot about this and that you´re not being impulsive, you´re upset now. So try to control yourself. The best you can do is showing the other people that you are a mature girl and you can perfectly move on. Don't show resentment by commenting her photos or doing something you will probably regret later. Hope it helps. Love from Argentina. Noelia

It is always hard when someone changes. But, I think you just have to let her become that different person. You should keep trying to be her friend but if she goes down a different path than you, that is ok. If you think she is jealous, well, that is that. You know what you did to help her. So you can always think back to the good times. But, you cannot change another person without far-reaching negative consequence. I think you should keep being friends with her but what happens, happens. Good luck. Julia.

You know what? I'm in exactly the same situation. One of my best friends was just the new boy 3 years ago, now he's ditched me for all the popular people and his girlfriends. We used to be the best friends in the world and we could have really open, personal conversations. Someone gave me this advice: There are two options. One is to realise that people change and you will not have the same friends forever, so you could start to distance yourself away from her and let the things you did in common slip away so you won't miss each other. The other is to tell the person bluntly. This is what I did. Tell her that she is changing and she is becoming more superficial, and you're starting to lose your friendship. And remind her of when you helped her out at the start. Lukas.

I had a best friend for 8 years. We meet in the Infants School Nursery at four years old, and were friends ever since. We were both the girls at school who always did their homework and listened. She even started a homework club. She was considered the most popular girl in our class and she was. Everyone wanted to be her friend. I didn't mind this, because she wasn't cocky about it. But in year 6, she started to change. She started hanging out with a girl I made friend's with in year 2, 'Kelly' (not her real name). I was quite close with her as well. I didn't mind at first that Kelly was always with us, but when Kelly started bullying me and we started arguing a lot, EVERYTHING CHANGED FOR THE WORST! She got my best friend, made the guy I like hate me, and my best friend told the whole class! I was shamed, and laughed at for months. After all of this, I still wanted to be friends with my old best friend, but she sided with Kelly. I was loyal and I never tried to leave her out, and in the end I was the one on the side. In secondary she has changed even more. Now she is always messing around with boys. She was never like that before. What I'm trying to get at in my experience is, sometimes your going in different directions from your friends and you part. You can be friends with someone for years, and they change suddenly and everything you had is gone. I'm not saying your relationship with your friend was or is like this, but if you have tried to make friends with her multiple times and she had done nothing to show you that she wants to be friends with you, then leave her to it. I know it sounds mean, but you cannot be waiting around your whole life for her. Sometimes you have to loose something close to you to appreciate it. Leave her to it, and later on she will realise what a good friend she has lost. She may come back to you, and taking her back or not is YOUR choice. Be mindful that your friends will change throughout your life no matter how long you have known them. Lexi.

Just because people go in different directions it doesn't mean you have to follow them. Girls are a true testament to this as they are in a difficult situation where their image is based off their looks (in most cases). When your friend decided to become a "girly-girl" she chose her own route of life. You may be able to work out your differences and still be best friends, but if not that is okay because that's just how life goes. There will be a lot of people you can relate too, so why not give them a shot at being your best friend? Colin.

Don't think that your friend is abandoning you! Even though it may feel like she's left you behind, I'm certain that your friend still very much cares about you and still values your friendship. Everyone is different and some people change over time. You mentioned that at one point in time YOU were becoming bored of your situation, so you chose to make friends with her and introduced her to your social circle. It sounds like your friend is going through the exact same thing and simply wants to keep life fresh and exciting. Don't hold your friend back or hold any grudges against her because she wants to meet new people. She is breaking out of her shell and making new friends, and you should be happy for her! Blake.

I think it's useless to put any more energy in this broken friendship. It's better to put the energy in new friendships and find another best friend. People change often and friendships end because of that, it's sad but absolutely normal. Please, don't get stuck in that situation, you won't get your friend back that way. You've tried several times to rebuild your friendship; it didn't work so go on with your life and find other friends. There is not just one person who is perfect for being your best friend, there are so many different people in the world so you will get in touch with another nice person and maybe he or she will be your best friend in the future. Renske.

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