March 25, 2011 - submitted by K, United States of America
Q. Q. TEAM ORACLE QUESTION - #18
I have this one friend that was my super best pal, but then about three months ago we got into a fight and grew apart. We just got back to being how we were before, but she totally betrayed me and I feel so broken.
I want to give her a second chance, but I'm afraid that she'll abuse my trust again.
Should I try to be pals again? K
The Oracle replies:
I really do believe everyone deserves a second chance. You may all know by now that I am slightly cynical but if someone betrayed me again, I'd still be glad I'd given them the benefit of the doubt. I'm not as forgiving if there's a third time. There may have been many reasons why your friend betrayed you and I'm not saying it's a good excuse but it may have been an isolated act of betrayal.
I have a theory (surprise, surprise)... As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago I have a close circle of people I trust, however, once I make the decision to impart information to someone, it's out there and so there's a risk it may get passed on. I totally accept that and feel it my responsibility first and foremost to keep a confidence.
It's sometimes a huge pressure to keep things to ourselves though and it's only human to sometimes fail at that. I have been in similar situations to you and I do find myself as close to the mates as before but no longer tell them everything. That may improve over time but for now at least I'm going to protect my wariness. If she's really a good friend and important to your life, I'd give her a second chance.
Over to you...
No, I don't think you should give her a second chance. Any friend who betrays you is no friend at all. If she really was a true friend, she would never have betrayed you in the first place. Coming from someone who has been in your position before, and who has made the mistake of giving a second chance, it's not worth it. No matter how much you think they've changed, they haven't. I'm not saying it won't be difficult, but you have to realize you have to do this for yourself. Being in an unhealthy friendship, when you're always going to be wondering when they'll betray you next is not good for you. Let her go because she will only bring you down.
You deserve to be in a friendship where you can completely trust the other person, so don't waste your time on someone who isn't even worth a second of yours.
It will pay off so much in the end and things will get better, trust me. Good luck with everything (although I'm sure you won't need it). Ashley :)
I feel like everyone deserves a second chance, no matter who they are.. Trust is the path to the greatest relationships... If you trust your friend, you'll always have the satisfaction of knowing you gave it a chance; no matter the outcome. Hope this helped! Levi
It's so hard when someone you trust and love so much betrays you. You say your friend totally betrayed you and you feel so broken, so I guess it's a serious thing. Now you two speak and see each other again, but trust, most of the times, is not something that can be regained. I understand that you can have happy memories about your friendship and therefore you have the doubt of giving her a second chance or not, but there are some things that change everything. I'd avise you not to take drastic measures like not taking to her again. You two can still hang around with your friends, share some moments, even laugh together, but if you do, don't ever talk to her about your personal stuff (because that's what trust is about and as you say, you don't know if she can abuse of it again). You can talk to her about how you feel with respect to what she did if you think that will make you feel better or help you to have a clearer panorama, but try not to spend so much time with her and to be surrounded by your friends in common if you have to see her. Hope it all goes right. A hug from Argentina. Noelia
If you feel like she betrayed you in a really meaningful way, then maybe you should wait and see what happens. It's good to forgive and try to get some kind of relationship again, but if you feel like you're better off without her, then it's better to leave it as it is. Everyone deserves a second chance, and if you do have the opportunity, try to have a mature talk about what happened to get things straight; that way you can try to have a friendship again, and if it doesn't really work, then you can at least straighten things out with her. Talking is the best thing to do. Arely.
It all depends on what she did. If you think that it's unforgivable, which I don't think is what you're thinking, because you say that your relationship mended, then you should still be friends. You don't have to feel obliged to be friends with anyone, just because you were friends in the past, and you can always just start hanging out with other people.
After having said all that, I also want to add this. If you don't trust her anymore, and you don't feel as if she deserves a second chance, then don't give it to her. There is no point hanging out with someone you either don't trust, or don't want to be with. You can always try to be friends again, but only go as far as you are comfortable with. If you don't want to tell her something that you do't think you can trust her with then don't, whatever decision you make is up to you, and she has to respect that.
Maybe start talking to some new people, it's wonders what that can do, your concepts on different things change completely. That doesn't mean that she can't be your friend at all, maybe you two just need some more space before you feel completely comfortable around her again. Minda
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