Oracle
8 June 2012 / submitted by Cosette, France
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #74
A few weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that he thought this other girl was pretty, and we got in a minor fight about it, but it all ended well. But just a few days ago, I thought I heard him say something like 'she was pretty', I again got mad. He didn't have to say it, even though he was thinking it, ya know? But it turns out he said something else entirely and I had misheard. Now he's very angry with me because he thinks I don't trust him when he says he doesn't like another girl. I feel so ashamed and I love him dearly and had made a huge awful mistake. I don't know who else to go to, and I can't let such a mistake turn into a huge fight that ruins our relationship, which had been going steady for almost a year and a half. I just can't do that. Can you spare some advice to fix this mistake?
Cosette, you made one mistake based on something that had upset you; don't be too harsh on yourself. On the one hand it's ok to feel mad when your boyfriend says someone else is pretty but on the other, he didn't say he fancied her, prefers her to you or is about to run off with her. If you've been together a year and a half and this is the first time he's done it, don't panic, it was an insensitive observation. I wouldn't like it either by the way, so you're not alone.
If you feel insecure about other people's good looks and your boyfriend commenting on them, that is the issue you must deal with here.
Why does it bother you? Is it because you fear he will leave you? Let me tell you something... he is more likely to leave if you accuse of him of things and mistrust him.
Try to work out why you feel this way. If it is because your self-esteem is low, you'll need to work on that.
The good news is your boyfriend is going out with YOU not the girl he though was pretty so there's obviously something special about you that he likes. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt your feelings but if he does it again, gently tell your fella that you're uncomfortable hearing comments about other girls but trust him.
If someone is pretty, it's a shame we can't acknowledge that with our girl/boyfriends. I think because she is "real" and not a singer, actor or model is probably making it threatening to you.
For the relationship to last you need to be able to communicate your fears to him but you also need to trust him or else it will fall apart.
Good luck.
Over to you.

Well I have to say that you did screw up on 2 things. 1 is that you couldn't get over the fact that he said one time that he thought 1 other girl then you was pretty. And 2 you shouldn't have to get so upset over things just agree or disagree but don't blow it out of proportion just say what's on your mind and don't yell. And one other thing, say that your boyfriend said an actress was pretty would you get mad? I hope I helped and didn't make you mad and if I did I'm very sorry but I'm around a yelling family most of the time and I hate it so just breathe!
Mollie U.S.A


Alright, remember, the first things to do is "Don't panic",(sorry, I can't help the refrences, it is a coldplay site after all...) and be calm when you talk to him. When you do see your boyfriend, you need to let him know that your just worried about losing him, about having someone take him away. He just doesn't want to look like he's trying to go off with someone else, that's why he's angry. He doesn't see that you are just afraid. You need to show him that you trust him, that you can let him live his part of life with peace of mind, knowing that you believe in him, and understand him. If he truely likes you, he'd understand, but try not to overdue the apology. just make sure to let him know that you totally and securely trust the guy, and it'll be like it never happened. Knowing it will work out, your friend, J.

It seems that you are misjudging your boyfriend, you have no reason to get angry at him for calling a girl pretty. Acknowledging someones beauty is doesn't mean he prefers her over you, he's in a relationship with you because not only does he consider you beautiful, but he's in love with you. I'm encouraging you to ease up on him, and just remember that he may say another girl is pretty, but he'd take you over them any day. Just apologize, and tell him that you didn't mean to blow up at him, and just lighten up, you don't want a conflict to cloud your relationship like this.
Best wishes, Bradley H.


It seems like all that occurred between the two of you is a misunderstanding. Your boyfriend should understand your frustration when he openly admits finding another girl pretty or attractive. However, he shouldn't be angry with your reaction, especially if you misheard him. Let him know that what you heard was different from what he said, and that his anger is stemming from a simple miscommunication. It's silly for such a small mistake to blow out of proportion. Give him time to find his bearings, and he will come around. Warm regards, Blake.

The two of you are in a committed relationship and when something like this comes up, the best thing to do is just apologise. Tell him how sorry you are and how afraid you are that this would come between you. If you two are meant to be together, something like this will definitely not stand in your way. Everybody makes mistakes. You know that, he knows that. So just talk to him and it will be okay. Sincerely, Medina.

It may not be about trusting him as much as it might be about the amount of confidence you have in yourself. This can cause a lot of problems, especially when you have a lot to lose. You didn't say a lot about when or how he said the girl was pretty, and I think it also depends on who it is, but I'd try not to worry about it. There are a lot of good looking people out there, and I think you should be able to be honest about it. Him thinking someone is pretty, doesn't necessarily mean he likes that person, he might not even know her, and think she's attractive. You've been together for some time, my guess is, he likes you a lot. Try to remember that. I guess it does depends on your relationship, so you should really just talk about what bothers you or not. In the end though, you're going to have to shove all insecurities aside if you want to move on from this. Hope it works out for you. Love, Darem.

Do you look at other guys and think they're good looking? If you do I guess we could say the problem is the saying it out loud. It's funny really how we can get upset over such things because it's natural as humans to look at others and have an opinion based on looks. I'd be more worried if there was a female friend he has who you didn't feel was a threat to you in the looks department but who made him laugh loads and he talked about all the time! Looks are just looks, so unless it was a deeper comment about a person, I'd say - don't worry about it.
Gracie.


Thanks to all those who replied to this week's question.
Remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone so if you fancy joining in, all you have to do is click here to read this week's question, and send us your answer.



8 June 2012 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?
When I answer questions of a personal nature, Coldplay.com readers often get in touch with their own thoughts. So, we now have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday (with the question asker's permission) we open up a question to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I'll post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.
ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 14th June.


I hope you can give me some advice. I've decided I want a small, subtle tattoo, but my boyfriend finds them "dirty and unattractive" and he thinks any woman with a tattoo is gross. Obviously I want him to be attracted to me, but at the same time, my body belongs to me and only me, and I'd like to put a little artwork on it. Do you think it would really jeopardize my relationship? What should I do?! D.G.


Look forward to seeing your replies.
The Oracle
Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com


7 June 2012 / submitted by James, United Kingdom
Q.  Dear Oracle,
I was suprised/disappointed when Coldplay were not at the Diamond Jubilee concert, because Chris and Gary Barlow are friends and Coldplay were in London at the time, so was it that Coldplay were never invited to perform or they were and refused?
Thanks
Yes, Coldplay were in London at the time but performing their 3rd and final London show at the Emirates Stadium - that Gary Barlow attended on the first night.
They were asked to but as you now know, they were unable to.



7 June 2012 / submitted by Michael, United Kingdom
Q.  Hi Guys
Would really appreciate your help! What was the attendance at Coldplay's gig on the 4th of June at the Emirates? I would estimate it between 55,000-70,000 could that be right? Couldn't find information anywhere so would be desperate for an answer. Cheers
By the way: That gig was the BEST thing I've ever been to :) !!!
Just me I'm afraid Michael. I'm pretty sure it was just under 60,000.
The huge stage set, runway and rigs take away a section of the stadium so even with the standing capacity on the pitch, it doesn't quite make it back up to the 60,361 it is on match days.



7 June 2012 / submitted by Gabriela, Paraguay
Q.  Hi Oracle!
I was wondering what do you feel about the Princess of China video? It seems to be a lot of mixed emotions about it. Personally I can't find the connection between the video and the song's lyrics. Also I've been reading that a lot of people are questioning the fact that there are Ninjas in the video, which are originally from Japan so.. I guess there's no relevance in their appearance. Anyhow, hope you're doing well and I'll wait for a possible answer! Thanks!
Videos aren't necessarily a literal visual translation of the audio. They may sometimes take a line or a theme but it's not set in stone.
I think the PoC video is great by the way - like a short film. Looks very classy and I've always loved the song.



6 June 2012 / submitted by Peter, United States of America
Q.  Hello!

I hope you're all excited about your upcoming trip to Boston we're certainly excited to have you here!
I've been living in Boston (as a native of Ireland) for about 15 years, and it's a fantastic city. I own and operate an outdoor fitness company (boot camp), and I would welcome the opportunity to train you all while visiting here.

I know too well that life on the road can be grueling, and can take its toll. The opportunities for exercise can be slim, and eating habits can be difficult to manage too.
It would not only be a terrific way for you to get some daily or weekly exercise and fresh air, but we could also use it as a fun way to see the city and its sights while getting a great workout!

Please let me know what questions I can answer for you. if you like, I'd be happy to provide you with a sample workout, so that you don't have to commit to too many workouts in advance!
Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from you!

Peter.
You may be surprised to learn that exercise opportunities are not slim and eating habits are not difficult because the band travel with their own personal trainer who puts them through their paces every day and their tour caterer provides the most amazing fresh, healthy, balanced meals and snacks.
Thanks for the offer but it's all covered. As the band tour for so long, their health is so important that exercise and nutrition is very much a part of that schedule.



6 June 2012 / submitted by Aimee, United States of America
Q.  Dear Oracle,

I'm really enjoying R42's HD panoramas of the crowds from Emirates' and other shows. All those smiling, happy people anticipating a stellar night! Tell me, how did this tradition start? I've seen OK Go and MGMT in the past year, and they take pics of their audiences too! Which band kicked it off?

Thanks! x
Many artists have been taking photos of their audiences for years. Digital technology has improved so much that in recent times sporting events and groups such as U2 & Take That have taken 360 degree shots of the crowd where you can zoom in and tag yourself for example.
After the first night photo that Roadie #42 took, we loved it so much that it was decided to do one every night from the same point.
Typically I'm not in my seat when I click to zoom.
It's a great interactive tool but as for the first band to do it... I don't actually know but it wasn't OK Go or MGMT.



6 June 2012 / submitted by Abby, Philippines
Q.  Dear Oracle,
In Coldplay End of Decade Clearout Sale, how and when did Jonny get into a neck brace? I'm just wondering. Thanks again.
Abby

That's not Jonny; it's Will. It's just a foam neck collar for characterisation purposes only.


1 June 2012 / submitted by Rose, Netherlands
Q.  TEAM ORACLE QUESTION #73
Last year I met a guy at school. He's nice to talk to and has a great sense of humor. Thing is that he has a girlfriend. I started to like him and I have no idea why, but he was feeling the same towards me.
After a couple of months spent to just get to know each other he kissed me and from that moment we were really close. A couple months ago I told him that I couldn't do this, because he is not leaving his girlfriend for me, which I understand. They have a history and he only knew me for 2 months. But after that I gave in again and we were having a good time.
But what now? Apparently he really likes me. I know because he told me, and we're always pretty honest to each other. I never lied or held something back for him, which is pretty special. But on the other hand am I still not good enough to leave his girlfriend. Don't get me wrong. He hates this situation as well, and he is a very nice guy.
I actually think I love him but I would never tell him. At least not when he's still in a relationship with her. I know that I should be the smart girl and stop it. I tried. Really. I love him and because he is being so sweet to me I am having a very hard time just trying to stop it.
Please tell me what I should do, because I don't think this situation should stay.
You say he's a nice guy but he's cheating on his girlfriend - that doesn't sound like a nice guy to me!
Ok,... so maybe he is nice but he's not being so in this situation.
I'm not saying he doesn't like you but if he liked you enough, he'd leave his girlfriend. His behaviour is selfish. We're human and can fall into these situations easily but you stopped it and then it started again.
Try to imagine how you would feel if you were his girlfriend and found out that this was going on behind your back. It's not a nice feeling is it?
As it's been going on a while now so he's had plenty of time to decide.
So what if they have history? That doesn't mean they are joined at the hip for life. People can fall for someone else at any time and yes, people cheat but you have a choice. You're single so it is down to you to say "no". You deserve better.
At the moment there's no real threat or reason for him to pick one of you over the other. He's with her but as he's got you both he's not likely to leave her.
Tell him that you don't want anything to do with him while he's in a relationship. Don't give him an ultimatum, just tell him you are not prepared to be a part of the mess he is making.
I'm sorry but I don't think he's being sweet; I think he's using you. IF he's that sweet, let's see him do the decent thing and stop cheating and decide which of you he wants to be with.
Be strong. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Over to you.

Well I agree with your last statement... you know it has to end. Clearly he is not willing to commit to you exclusively, if you are ok with that stay with it, but consider this: he is cheating on his girlfriend with you. If he did commit to you how do you know he won't do the same to you.
If he is as nice as you say, he would likely be moved to make a change if you broke it off and at the least he would gain a whole new respect for you. You need to respect yourself and ask yourself what you want from a relationship honestly, and if half-measures are not what you want, then you need and deserve more. I hope you find it. Laurie.


You know the answer to your dilemma; you just don't like it. I am not sure why you "understand" that he won't split from his long-time girlfriend. He doesn't have a marriage contract, and there aren't children involved. You and he have been together long enough for him to know how he feels about you. If he won't leave his girlfriend, you have to leave him. Don't get me wrong, he loves this situation as much as he hates it. He is going out with two women he loves - perfect- except now he has to choose.
But who knows? He might just surprise you if you really stand your ground and insist that if you two are to have a romantic relationship, he must see you exclusively.
Best of luck. Lisa.

I think you should end it. Try to put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes, I don't think you'd like it much. He might seem like a nice guy to you now, but the fact that he's deceiving this other girl should give you a clue of what he's really like. If he's capable of cheating on her, he's capable of cheating on you.
You gave him a chance to break up with her, and he never did, which means he isn't taking you seriously because he's had enough time to decide on committing to your relationship. He might be really sweet to you now, but to be honest, most guys are when they're trying to manipulate you. Think about the kind of relationship you want to have, and the kind he's offered you. Hope it works out for you. Love, Darem.


The best thing to do in this situation is to write him a letter (or tell him) in which you clearly express your love without any kind of pressure. If your feelings are strong, waiting on the end of his relationship to declare your love will make you suffer more and more each day. Happens what happens after but at least you will exactly know what to hold in this situation. You're a smart girl, so be confident. It's a hard situation for both of you so that's why you must grasp the nettle. Maybe he expects a sign of you to declare his love too. I wish you the best. Corinne.

Believe it or not I've been in a very similar situation a couple of years back and at a certain point of time I was so sure that I’d met "the love of my life". It's not easy when they give you attention because it will constantly give you hope that there is something there. However, your doubts are sensible; why hasn't he left his girlfriend if he really does like you that much? I think you've given him enough time to make a decision. What he’s doing is neither fair to you nor to the girl he is currently with.
Remember that he is basically cheating on his girlfriend, so if he does end up choosing you over her, would you ever trust that he won’t do the same to you with some other girl?
I don't think you should stay in this situation at all, why should you? You will find someone who will love and cherish you so much that he wouldn’t even think twice if he had to choose between you and another girl. You deserve better than this.
Wish you the best, Randa.


No matter what you feel for each other, this whole situation is not fair to either of you (and especially not to the other girl he's seeing). He needs to break it off with her now, or you need to really break it off with him. I know that it's hard to let someone go who means so much to you, but for right now, that's the best thing you can do for yourself, for him and for the whole situation.
You are good enough - that's definitely not the issue here. The issue seems to be that he isn't sure of what he wants, and you need to let him figure that out on his own. Good luck! Medina.

As I read your story, I could see the many, many problems you could have if you don't take care of this problem quickly and carefully, so please be ready to do what you need to. The man should not have put you in a situation like this; he should be focused on whom he believes is most important in his life. But, I'm sorry to say, you had a bit of a hand making this mess, not the entire things, not even close! Be sure to make this a learning experience for you to look back at.
As for the advice, realize that somebody, no matter what you do, WILL get hurt. And it IS going to "hurt like heaven". You have to sit this guy down, and ask him to make a choice, because the double relationship is only going to cause a whole lot of suffering. And be aware, whatever his decision is, that's his to make, and you'll have to accept it.
Try to be careful about consequences in the future, and I hope he makes the right decision. Good luck, and here's hoping, J.


This guy may be really nice, but he obviously doesn't feel the same way about this situation as you do. If he really hated the situation too he would do something about it. I know how hard it can be to stop and I understand the power that someone can have over you. I've been in a similar situation before where I'd made up my mind and then gave in a few times. I eventually realized that you should never let anyone make you second best, even yourself.
You deserve to be more than someone hidden away on the side. If he isn't willing to dump his girlfriend for you, and maybe even if he is, move on. Even if he dumps her to be with you would you ever really be certain that he wasn't doing exactly the same thing as he's doing with you now with someone else?
It's hard, but you need to give yourself some space and move on, find someone equally as nice and funny who will treat you as you deserve to be treated. You'll come out the other side feeling a stronger person who knows who they are and what they will and won't put up with.
I wish you all the best; I still remember how hard I found it to break the cycle. I will never regret having done so. Stand firm once, and it’s easier every time. I'll be thinking of you, Bec.

You must have surely learned something really important with this: try to get involved only with single people.
That will save you undesirable pain and complications to deal with.
I'm not saying that dating someone single will not bring them but...
At least it is something less to think about.
I wish relationships weren't that complicated...
Who knows, perhaps in the end, this guy and his girlfriend break up,
and in the future you end up together...
If you like each other so madly, and it is meant to be, it will happen.
Good luck, Caro.


I liked a boy in high school for a year, even though he had a girlfriend. He knew it, too, but we still talked all the time and I just could not give up my friendship with him. It really hurt, knowing that some other girl was worth more to him than I was. It hurt A LOT, and eventually I stopped talking to him because it hurt so badly.
And that guy is great -really. I count myself very lucky to have known him. I'm sure that the guy you like is great, too, or else you would not care for him. But he is not being fair to you or to his current girlfriend. Wonderful people make mistakes all the time. What I'm saying is, you are worth more than that. Don't give your heart, your precious, wonderful heart, to someone whose heart belongs to someone else. You may love him with all your heart but so long as he is with someone else he can never reciprocate your love, not even halfway. And he is not being fair to his girlfriend by not telling her about you. Often when one person falls in love with someone else, their former partner is more angry for not being told about it, not for the falling-in-love-with-someone-else-part. If it were me, I would let him go and encourage him to be honest with her. It will hurt. But I promise somebody is out there who will love you better. Amber.

I was in the same situation just recently. This guy was in a relationship with his girlfriend but liked me at the same time.
He would treat me as his counsel when he was stressed or needed advice, which built a lot of trust in our relationship. However he wouldn't leave his girlfriend as it was obvious that he loved her reason being that he had a history with her, and I'm certain that it was also because he was afraid of trying something new with me.
The point that I'm trying to show across is that despite the feelings, nevertheless the love I had developed for him, to him I had to control my feelings because, if he really felt the same, he wouldn't have been so afraid to start afresh with me.
I also empathised with his girlfriend on the other hand, I'm sure she loves him just as much as he does, hence he does not want to let go of her. I finally concluded consciously (with the feelings for him put aside) that I deserve better. Love should not be morally deficient, breaking other people's relationships apart, but should be for creating a relationship with someone new, free of creating any hurt or spite. Sisipho (from South Africa).


You are so sweet for not giving in that night, and considering the girls feelings, but this is a situation that is not easy I would know, because:
I had to go through this a lot, and my decision was to talk to the girl, in your case boy, what helped me was by talking to her about this and truly see if it just is a phase, or if it's serious, and maybe find out if there was a fight between them that made him feel this way, or if he has truly never met a girl like you. I guess the overall answer is to talk to him, and about how you feel, but do what your heart says. Love Zachary.

Great to see so many new people join our regular repliers this week. If you fancy getting involved, remember, Team Oracle is open to anyone. Click to read this week's question, and send us your answer.



1 June 2012 / submitted by The Oracle, United Kingdom
Q.  WHO'D LIKE TO JOIN TEAM ORACLE?
When I answer questions of a personal nature, Coldplay.com readers often get in touch with their own thoughts. So, we now have a weekly feature, Team Oracle, whereby each Friday (with the question asker's permission) we open up a question to all of you to answer too. Then, the following Friday, I'll post a selection of the best answers, alongside my own reply.
ANYONE can join in so, if you'd like to, please email your response to the following question, in no more than 250 words, to theoracle@coldplay.com before midnight Thursday 7th June.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend told me that he thought this other girl was pretty, and we got in a minor fight about it, but it all ended well. But just a few days ago, I thought I heard something him say something like she was pretty, I again I got mad-he didn't have to say it, even though he was thinking it, ya know? But it turns out he said something else entirely and I had misheard. Now he's very angry with me because he thinks I don't trust him when he says he doesn't like another girl. I feel so ashamed and I love him dearly and had made a huge awful mistake. I don't know who else to go to, and I can't let such a mistake turn into a huge fight that ruins our relationship, which had been going steady for almost a year and a half. I just can't do that. Can you spare some advice to fix this mistake?

Look forward to seeing your replies.
The Oracle
Please email your replies to theoracle@coldplay.com



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